


if i knew it were true

by smokeshop (orphan_account)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Friends With Benefits, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 19:44:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 52,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11364333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/smokeshop
Summary: They've both been broken. Even hates his brain and Isak hates his life, and the past is always lurking.Friends With Benefits AU where Isak loves Even and Even loves Isak, but they're afraid to make it work.





	1. isak

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! sorry again for the very long wait between fics! but hopefully this makes up for it a little.
> 
> i have to say that i'm not really too confident about this fic, nothing like with the notion of falling, which i loved. this is way out of my wheelhouse, and writing even's point of view is killing me (yay for alternating pov if i can actually figure it out!). but please, as always, tell me what you think, constructive or otherwise :) i want to make this good <3
> 
> the title is from this x-files quote that i wrote down while high, so i'm not quite sure what the context for it was at the time (maybe reincarnation? it was a forgotten time and a forgotten episode). "it's a nice idea. it's a beautiful idea. i want to believe. and if i knew it were true, i'd want to start over."
> 
> this chapters warnings are here and there's minor spoilers:  
> TW: past abusive relationship (not graphic, but mentions of physical abuse), mentions of depression, mentions of disordered eating

.

“You have the perfect ass,” Even murmured, curled around him in bed, close to sleep.

“The perfect ass, huh?” Isak asked against the pillow, eyes wanting to fall shut and an easy smile on his face.

“Best ass in the world,” Even answered, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck, one hand on Isak's naked hip.

“Flattered,” Isak said, humming as Even kissed down his neck and to his shoulder. “You starting something you're gonna be able to finish?”

Even sighed and pulled away. “No. I've gotta get home.”

Isak sat up as Even moved out of the bed, pulling his knees to his chest with the covers over his lap. Even pulled on his underwear, then glanced over at Isak and threw him a smile when he caught him looking.

“Can you close the window?” Isak asked, curling his arms around his body and pointedly looking away. “It's cold and it doesn't smell like pot anymore.”

Even put his shirt on before complying, then sat on the edge of Isak's bed and gave him a kiss. “Can I borrow a jacket for the walk home?”

“What'd you wear here?”

Even tugged on his jeans, moving around the room again. “A hoodie. It won't be warm enough anymore. Come on, I'll give it back to you at school.”

“You already have two of my jackets, Even.”

“Well I don't have them _here_ , do I? You want me to freeze to death because I missed all the trams?”

Isak smiled and reached over the edge of his bed to grab one of the jackets he'd had balled up on the floor. He chucked it and Even caught it, then Isak got out of bed to pull on sweats and a t-shirt. “The things I do for you,” Isak said, watching Even don the jacket.

“You're telling me,” Even replied, eyebrows raising suggestively. “Your perfect ass definitely helps, yeah?”

“Shut up,” Isak said, blush spreading across his cheeks and eyes cast down. “I wasn't talking about sex.”

“I know, baby,” Even said. He tilted Isak's chin up and planted a firm kiss on his lips. Isak smiled at him and wished he could accept all that Even had to give. He would be perfect. Of course, that was part of the problem. It was so easy to mess up something perfect. “You gonna sleep okay?” Even asked, teasing mood dissipating, his finger still under Isak's chin. “I can spend the night.”

“No, I don't want to keep you from your family again,” Isak said, hands grasping the jacket lapels to smooth them out as Even released his face. “I'll be fine.” Even was still the only man who'd ever slept in his bed. The only man he'd ever spent the night with. Despite everything, they did have that. Isak wasn't sure how important it was, how much it really meant, but to him it was huge.

If they'd caught each other just a little bit earlier, they might have had it all.

“Okay,” Even said, like he didn't quite believe him. He probably didn't. Isak didn't try to fool him anymore, he'd forgotten how to lie to Even.

“Okay,” Isak mocked, making Even smile. “Stop worrying so much. Okay? You know I have the whole collective up my ass about my health.” He tugged on Even's sex hair and Even went to smooth it down at the reminder. “No one's gonna let me break again. I'm eating and sleeping and I'm fine.”

“You do look good,” Even said. “You look healthy.”

“I am,” Isak said with a nod and a smile. “Eskild would kill me if I stopped eating again, you know that. He force feeds me breakfast every morning. I'm fine.”

“I just worry.”

“I know you do. You have a right to, after last time, but I don't want you to.”

“I can't help it,” Even said. “I know you worry about me, too.”

“Of course I do,” he said. “You're my best friend. But I know you've got people looking out for you. I know you're safe. So just.... Don't doubt these guys. Eskild would absolutely annihilate anyone who hurt me, and he'd shove food down my throat if he had to, and he'd rock me to sleep and sing me lullabies if that's what it takes.”

Even smiled. “I know.”

“Good.” Isak fixed Even's hair a little more and said, “I'll walk you out.”

They went to the apartment door and Even stood against the doorframe as Isak kissed him again. “Text me when you get home,” Isak said, chewing on his bottom lip as Even reached for the doorknob.

“Will do,” Even said. He slipped his feet into his shoes and stood up again, halfway out in the hallway, watching Isak.

“I love you,” Isak said quietly, almost shyly, despite all the times he'd said it before. “Zip up your jacket, you're gonna get cold.”

Even did, smiling. “I love you, too.”

Isak returned to his room alone and went about throwing away the condoms they'd used in the bathroom trashcan and covering them with the tissues they'd dirtied cleaning up. The sex wasn't a secret, per se, but whenever Eskild found out about it he launched into a thousand questions and more than a few drawn out lectures on the benefits of commitment.

“I heard him leave,” Eskild said from the bathroom doorway, and Isak turned around, hand halfway to turning the shower on. “Have a good time?”

“I always have a good time with Even,” Isak said, shrugging in feigned nonchalance. “Gotta shower, guru. I'd rather do it while you're not here.”

“So I can't see the hickeys?” Eskild asked with a smile.

“You should see the other guy,” Isak said, allowing a smile to fall onto his lips, too.

“He loves you, baby Jesus,” Eskild said, tone only a bit more serious, fond smile still adorning his face. Isak could only stand frozen and watch him. “You know I support all your choices, Isak, you know I love you like a son.” Four year age difference, but accurate statement nonetheless. “I just wish you'd try.”

“I'm not good for him,” Isak said after a moment, pasting a smile on his face that clearly looked as fake as it felt. “It's okay, Eskild. We work better like this.”

“How do you know?”

He didn't want to be left again. This way, Even couldn't leave him.

“I just know,” Isak said with a shrug. “Now can you _go_ , please, I need to shower.”

“Don't want me to see your perfect ass?” Eskild asked, and Isak flushed with remembering and swatted his towel at him. “Baby gay it's fine,” he said, retreating slowly from the bathroom. “I think Even's is better.”

  
.

“So you slept with Even again, huh?” Jonas asked.

Isak was changing his shirt and looked down at his bare chest when Jonas motioned to it. He blushed. Even was the only person he ever let leave marks. He never wanted to be reminded of anyone else.

“I like sleeping with Even,” Isak said, pulling the t-shirt on quickly.

“I know you do.”

“Do you? Because you're sounding a bit disapproving.”

“I like Even,” Jonas said. “You know I do. I just don't like what you're doing to yourself, Isak. I don't like that you won't let yourself have this.”

“Why does everyone keep acting like they know what I want?” Isak asked. “What if I _don't_ want Even? What if I don't want to date, don't want to fall in love? Is that so wrong of me?” He _did_ want Even, and he wanted to date, and he _had_ fallen in love, but the risks outweighed the benefits so this was it for now. Even was always his number one, always the first person on his mind, but there were others. Quick, fast hookups. Rough sex. The need to be wanted in a way he couldn't explain to others—when he did these things he felt important, if only for a while.

“Sorry,” Jonas said. “I'm sorry.” And he really did sound like he was.

“I know you're worried about me,” Isak said. “I know. And I know you think that Even deserves better, and I agree with you.”

“I didn't say that,” Jonas said, voice sharp.

“I know you didn't, but I know that's what people think. But this is the arrangement, Jonas. Okay? It's chill. Stress free.”

“Is it?” Jonas asked, like he knew that it wasn't. But it was. It really was.

“It is. We sleep with each other and we sleep with other people and we stay friends. We both have too many issues to be able to handle each other's completely, and I know you don't understand that but it works for us. I promise it does.”

“I know you think that.”

“I know that, Jonas!” he said. “I do, and even if I didn't I wouldn't want you _telling_ me all the time that I didn't. I don't want to be fixed by you. By anyone. Even never tries to fix me and he never says we should be more and I like what we have.”

He didn't want to burden Even and he didn't know if he could handle holding up the baggage that Even came with, either. Most of all, at least this way they'd always stay friends. There'd be no all-consuming breakup that crushed Isak and left him broken like all the times before. Sleeping with other people made it easier to not become too codependent, and that was important. It was just a fuck. There were no feelings behind it, not ever.

It was only Even. It'd always been only Even.

“You love him, Isak,” Jonas said.

“Of course I do,” Isak said, aggressively folding the shirt he'd just changed out of and setting it on Jonas's bed. “Of course I love him.”

“Then why not let this happen?”

“Because I don't want to _ever_ stop loving him, Jonas,” Isak said, finally looking up at him, Jonas swiveling in the desk chair. His motion stopped as he looked back at Isak. “I can't. I can't handle it if we don't love each other anymore.”

“I just want you to be happy,” Jonas said after a moment.

“I am,” Isak said. He didn't know if it was the truth anymore. “I'm happy.”

  
.

It was nothing. He was hot, and it was nothing.

He'd made eyes at Isak from across the club he'd been dragged to by Eskild. Isak had made eyes back. He got the guy to buy him drinks, exchanged a few pleasantries, but Isak didn't want to get to know him. Didn't want to talk to him. So as soon as he was tipsy he sent a text riddled with misspellings to Eskild—it was supposed to say _Going home with hot guy, my location is turned on, should be home by one—_ because Eskild worried about these men that Isak went home with. They were always older than him, and Isak always knew nothing about them.

This one looked only three or four years older, broad shouldered with brown hair. Isak went willingly when the guy grabbed his hand and led him out, and he got in the guy's car with only mild trepidation. He'd never met anyone who'd been _dangerous_ , really, but there were the guys who were more violent in bed than Isak would have wanted, ones that left his skin red with handprints.

The guy's apartment was near the college so Isak made a few assumptions. That he was a college student, for one, and therefore more or less safe.

When the guy started biting at a place on his neck Isak pulled away. _No marks,_ he said, and the guy listened. The only bruises on his body remained placed there by Even's lips, and as Isak closed his eyes and threw his head back in lieu of watching the guy bounce up and down on his dick, he just enjoyed it.

It was just a feeling. Just a good feeling.

He would never care about anyone the way he cared about Even. He knew that and Even knew that and these men that he fucked probably knew that or something like it, because half the time it was Even's name on his lips that spilled out instead of theirs. He loved Even like he'd never loved anyone.

But this was just sex. Safe sex with a condom and the guy being polite and asking _is this okay_ before he did anything. No-marks sex, closed-eye sex. Good sex, not great. Sex that got the job done.

It was what worked. No one understood it but Isak and Even, but it worked. It replaced having to rely on each other for everything. A relationship would be too taxing and Isak feared he would crumble under the pressure of it, and losing Even was something he could never handle.

So he fucked a cute guy from the club, and he exchanged numbers with him as if they'd ever see each other again, and Isak even let him kiss him goodbye as he headed out the door. He was a nice boy. He didn't push. Isak left feeling happy.

He walked home even though the guy offered to drive him. He liked walking and he liked the cold.

It was his first boyfriend who ruined him. Probably not “boyfriend”, really, probably “guy he thought he loved who would never love him back” would be more accurate. His name was Jan and he was older—a good amount older, twenty-six or twenty-seven when Isak was barely sixteen.

Isak thought it was love. He was so misplaced from love itself that he thought this was it, and he took it at face value.

He could only see Jan when Jan wanted. His texts and calls were only answered when Jan felt like answering them. Everything— _everything—_ was on his terms. And Isak didn't question it.

Jan didn't want anyone to know so Isak didn't tell anyone. He had one foot out of the closet, he was ready to let everyone know, but Jan didn't want him to, so Isak didn't. He stayed stupidly hidden for much longer than he'd wanted to, much longer than was good for him. Jan let him come over a few times a week and all they would do was fuck, and Isak thought that it was more than just sex because sometimes Jan let him shower at his place afterwards, sometimes he even cooked Isak food. But he never let Isak stay the night, never let him borrow clothes, never offered him a ride home or asked him to text when he got home so that he'd know that Isak was safe. Isak didn't know that it was weird. Didn't know that it was bad. It was only the first time Jan hit him that he wondered if this was really love.

Isak had showed up unannounced at Jan's apartment door and Jan had been livid. He'd pushed Isak into a stairwell and yelled at him while Isak shrank back against the wall and listened. _I just wanted to see you._ Jan slapped him across the face and left him there with a bruise forming.

But Isak kept waiting for another call, another text, crying in his bed because he thought he'd messed up. _This_ was the only person who cared about him and he'd done something so stupid to drive him away. He sent apologies and Jan read them but didn't return them. Eskild asked him what was wrong and Isak didn't tell him.

And soon Jan did call again, and Isak went, and Jan fucked him hard like Jan liked, and yelled at him when Isak asked if he could stay. So he didn't stay. Even though he felt like he could hardly walk with what'd just been done to him, he made it home.

Jan didn't hit him all the time. But after the first time, he did it again, seemingly to see if Isak would let him. And when Isak did, Jan hit him again, and then it became a semi-regular occurrence. Not too regular, not regular enough for Isak to be _expecting_ it, but regular enough for Isak to be constantly in fear of it. It wasn't too bad, really, mostly open-handed slaps that resonated off the walls. Never punches with closed fists, never whips with a belt. _It could be worse. Someone else could treat me worse._ So he stayed. Let Jan fuck him and then send him home without kissing him once during the entire time they were together. Didn't argue with Jan when Jan yelled at him for being a stupid kid—Jan was older, after all, Jan had to know more. Didn't ever fight back when Jan slapped him.

It was fine. It was love.

Jan had a girlfriend that Isak found out about eight months into their relationship. She was tall and beautiful and she answered the door when Isak knocked one night.

_Are you one of Jan's students?_

He was a professor and Isak looked every bit the sixteen-year-old he was. He nodded anyways and she smiled and retreated inside to find him.

Isak had misread the text, he realized later. It wasn't Tuesday that Jan wanted him over, but Thursday. Jan didn't care. He hit Isak so hard with the back of his hand that he felt dizzy.

And Isak was still willing to stay, as fucking _pathetic_ as it was, and he would have, too, but Jan didn't ever contact him again.

Isak had met Even in that time that he'd known Jan. Even who smiled at him and called him beautiful, Even who he kissed drunk at Christmastime and then became wracked with guilt about, because he'd been five months into _Jan_ when he'd done it and it felt like cheating because for all the shit that Jan put him through, he told Isak that this was real.

Even who he came out to when he showed up on his doorstep at eleven pm straight from Jan's place, face bruised and wet with tears. Even whose bed he slept in that night, Even who wrapped himself around him as Isak told him everything. Even who said, _That's not love, baby. Love doesn't hurt like that._

Even who became the best thing to ever happen to him. Even who he'd loved for a year.

  
.

“Hi,” Even said, sitting down next to him and pushing an apple in front of him on the tabletop.

The boys all called out their greetings to Even around mouthfuls of food as Isak took the apple and turned his head to face Even. He knew taking a bite would make Even happy, so he did it. He knew it'd make Jonas happy, and he knew that eating an apple wouldn't kill him. He'd already eaten lunch, but if eating this, too, made them feel better, then he could do it. He'd put all the weight he lost back on. He felt good.

“Hi. How are you?” he asked, setting the apple back down.

“I'm good,” Even said with a nod. “How are you?”

“Good,” Isak agreed, and they smiled at each other. When Jonas cleared his throat they looked up and at the rest of the table. Even scooted his chair closer to Isak's, clearing his throat, looking down at the table uncomfortably. The boys all knew. Hell, the whole school probably knew, they weren't subtle, but it was still a bit awkward to acknowledge it when no one understood it but the two of them.

“How's your dad?” Isak asked, as the boys fell back into their conversation and the bubble built back up around the two of them.

“He's alright,” Even said with a shrug, picking apart the bun on his plate. “Busy. He's not around much.”

“How are things... between the two of you?” Isak asked hesitantly.

Even sighed, looking ahead in the cafeteria instead of at Isak. “He's still not in love with the whole... pansexual thing, you know,” he said after a second. “Thinks it makes things harder for me. Like it's something I chose specifically to make my life harder.”

Isak smiled sadly, stroking his hand down Even's arm. He twisted their fingers together under the table. They could at least _feign_ secrecy. “I'm sorry, baby,” he said quietly. “I wish I could do something.”

“There's nothing to do,” Even said. He smiled at Isak. “Don't worry about me. I'm fine.”

“I'll never stop worrying about you,” Isak answered with a grin. It was their most resumed conversation, never buried for good. It resurfaced every few days. It was good, though; it often served as a reminder for why they shouldn't be together.

Even smiled at him and squeezed his hand.

Isak's voice was lighter—and it was forced and it sounded so, but that didn't matter because at least he was trying, and he knew Even appreciated his awkward attempts—when he said, “Eskild told me you have a cute butt.”

“Eskild's a smart man,” Even said, laughing, and the tension was broken. But Isak couldn't help but wish Even had it easier. No one deserved perfection as much as Even did.

“He is,” Isak agreed. “How's Alex doing?”

“He's asked about you lately,” Even said. “I didn't realize how long it's been since you came over when he was there. It's nice to have you alone.”

Isak laughed. “I miss him. I'll come visit, soon. But he's doing good?”

“He's great,” Even said. “Energetic, you know. But he's coping well, with everything that's happened. Not that he remembered my mom much, even when she lived with us she wasn't around much.”

Isak ran his fingers through Even's hair before remembering that they were sat in the cafeteria surrounded by everyone they knew and pulling his hand back to himself. His other was still clasped with Even's under the table.

“How's the kitten?” Even asked with a smile.

“The kitten?” Isak repeated. “She's great. You didn't see her when you last came over?”

“No, I guess Linn had her,” Even said. “She still cute?”

“The cutest. Cuter than you. Cuter than your butt.”

They checked back into the conversation going on around the table, and Isak instantly wished he hadn't.

“Being friends with a gay guy has been great for my sex life,” Magnus said.

“What?” Isak demanded from across the table.

“Well all these straight girls think you're _so_ cute and amazing, so we get invited to parties, and then this girl is like, 'Who did you come with?' and I just have to say, 'Isak, the gay guy,' and _bam_. They wanna suck my dick.”

“That seems... entirely inaccurate,” Isak said.

“The first part is true,” Mahdi said. “Up until the whole, 'They wanna suck my dick,' part. Isak being gay doesn't make you any more desirable, Mags.”

“Fuck you guys,” Magnus said, then leaned back to sulk in his chair.

Isak ran his thumb over the back of Even's hand and Even locked on tighter. They had a nasty habit of narrowing the world down to just the two of them.

“Isak being gay has definitely been great for Even's sex life,” Mahdi said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“He's not wrong,” Even said with a poor wink, and Isak smiled.

  
.

When he was sixteen depression hit him hard. It was after everything with his parents and everything with Jan, after moving in with strangers and trying to start his life over. He felt distanced from his friends and everyone he knew, felt isolated and weak, he was scared and his self-worth had plummeted.

And as a result he couldn't get out of bed, and he couldn't be reached, and he couldn't eat anything.

Eskild would lay with him at night and he could sleep when another body was in the bed with him, but when he was alone he stayed awake for hours past when he wanted to be asleep. Noora would cook him food and leave paper plates on his bedside table, but he wouldn't eat any of the food, and the weight dropped off. Linn could offer little more than dragging him out of his bedroom and into the living room, where they laid on separate couches and watched TV for the entire day.

And then Ripley came into his life.

A tiny little gray thing, she'd been plopped on his bedroom floor a few months before by a pair of hands that disappeared as soon as the door closed again, and Isak was left staring at her from the safety nest of blankets in his bed. He considered just closing his eyes and letting this happen to him, but the kitten was looking around the room in a way that made him stand. He approached her with the same wariness as he would a bomb, but she just fell asleep on the floor in front of the door without paying him any mind at all. She had a Post-It note on her back that was almost as big as she was.

_She's yours. Cats are good therapy. We love you._

Isak stood six feet away from her in socks and boxers and a sweatshirt, staring in empty shock at the kitten until she woke up. When she yawned, he jumped. This was a... surreal experience. When she started making her wobbly way towards him, he backed up until his legs hit the bed.

It was only when she started meowing in the tiniest voice that he knelt to pick her up.

He named her after _Alien_ , bought her a tiny green collar with a tiny silver bell, and she slept as a steady weight on his chest every night.

And she did help. As much as he didn't want to admit that it was with the presence of a fumbling gray kitten that he emerged from depression, it was. When he started to get well enough to drag himself out of bed, he went to therapy, got prescriptions. But it was Ripley who started the whole damn thing. Ripley who followed him around and sat on his lap and laid on his chest, and when he felt overwhelmed he thought that Ripley helped more than any of his prescriptions ever could.

He was thinking of his parents, was the thing. And thinking of his parents inevitably turned into thinking about the chain of events that stemmed from what happened with his parents. And that ended—or, it didn't _end_ , not yet, but it got infinitely better—with Ripley. With Ripley and with Even and with mending his strained relationships with all his worried friends.

His dad left him when he was fifteen and his mom left him when he was sixteen and neither of them responded when he sent them a text telling them that he was gay. It was one of the reasons why he didn't come out earlier, before meeting Jan. Because his parents didn't approve, so why would anyone else?

When he got lost in these thoughts then nothing could calm the storm in his head.

Ripley purring against his side was usually enough, but Even picked up on the second ring.

“Isak?”

“Hi.”

“Hey, are you okay? It's late.”

Isak pulled the phone back to check the time. Two am. Fuck. “Shit, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“No, no, don't worry. I'm working on an art project, you know how I get.”

What was far more shocking than the fact that Even answered was that Isak had been trying to fall asleep for nearly four hours. But then again, no amount of melatonin could shut his brain off when he got like this.

“Can't sleep?” Even asked.

“I've just been thinking,” Isak said, burying himself in the covers.

Even spoke softly. “About your parents?”

“I wonder where they are.” His voice sounded so small and he hated that he cared when they so obviously didn't. “I wonder, you know, what happened to them. If they think about me?”

Even always knew just what to say, even when he didn't. He always knew the right tone. “Baby.”

He didn't want to cry. He pulled Ripley closer and she burrowed into the space between his neck and shoulder, on the pillow. “I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't care.”

“You can care, Isak,” Even said. He was always nothing but gentle. “It's okay. I know how hard this is for you.”

“I know you do,” Isak said.

“I'm always here.”

Isak nodded. “I know.”

“They don't deserve you, baby,” Even said. “No one who leaves you could ever deserve you. Try to sleep. Did you take your meds this morning?”

“I don't remember.”

“That might be part of it. Set a reminder on your phone for tomorrow. I know it's still kind of new, I know they might make you feel worse before you feel better, but they're working, aren't they?”

“Yeah. They are.” Isak smiled at his concern, and he set the reminder on his phone before pulling it back to his ear. “I did it. Thank you. I forget a lot.”

“I always forgot at the beginning, too,” Even said. “It just takes some time. A routine. I take them while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning. It just becomes... part of what you have to do.”

Isak smiled, turning into the pillow. Ripley made a small noise of complaint and crawled onto his back to rest. “Babe?” he said.

“Yeah?”

He smiled as he said, “Are we fucked up?”

“More than anyone,” Even said, and Isak heard that he was happy. He loved it when Even was happy. He didn't have too many joys in life, but Even's smile was one of them. “I wish I was there with you,” Even said after a moment. “I know you sleep better.”

“That's okay,” Isak said. “Maybe I'll just go in and cuddle with Eskild.”

Even laughed.

“No,” Isak said. “I couldn't leave my baby girl alone.” Usually the heat and weight of Ripley was enough that he could sleep through the night. It was still nice to have another body, though. Even's body. His smile fell and he said, “Even?”

“Yes?”

“We're doing the right thing, aren't we?”

Even hesitated, but he was honest when he said, “Yeah. I think we are.”

 

 


	2. even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow what an overwhelming response thank you guys so much!  
> this is an even chapter and i have struggled, my loves. this was so much harder to write than isak's for some reason even though the narrative is the same, so bear with me while i try to find his voice :)  
> thank you for your comments and kudos and asks on tumblr, they make me so happy :)  
> warnings in the end notes <3

.

“Why can't we ever watch a happy movie?”

Even looked up at him from where he was laying on Isak's chest, horizontal on the couch in his room. “All epic love stories end in tragedy, baby,” he said, smiling as Isak stroked through his hair and looked down at him.

“I don't like that idea,” Isak said, and Even had his arms around Isak's waist. He was so warm and beautiful and gentle with him.

“I know you don't,” Even said. “You're a romantic.”

“I'm not a romantic,” Isak scoffed.

“Besides the idea of a committed relationship terrifying you,” Even said.

Isak laughed. “You're one to talk.”

“Yeah,” Even said. “I know.” He nestled his cheek into the fabric of Isak's hoodie, soft and blue and smelling like Isak. “But I'm definitely a romantic.”

“You are?” Isak asked.

“If I found someone who could, you know, take care of me the way I need.” He sighed. “Then, yeah, I think it'd all work out fine. I think I'd like a relationship, if I was with someone who'd... have me for everything I am, without trying to change me.”

“I wish I could be that person for you,” Isak said quietly, running his hands over Even's back.

“You mean more than anyone, Isak. But we're so much better as friends.” Friends who cuddle and friends who fuck and friends who are in love with each other. It was stupid and it didn't make sense but it's what they told each other and it's what they told themselves

And it was how it had to be. Isak couldn't take care of Even and Even couldn't take care of Isak and the last thing that Even wanted was to ruin what they had, ruin the two of them. Losing Isak would kill him. And this was what they knew worked. They didn't know that a relationship would work, and Even, personally, wasn't ready to risk it.

Isak was his best friend. Isak was one of the only people in the world who loved him. Loved him despite everything.

His phone started going off and he sighed as he reached for it to turn the alarm off.

“Time for meds?” Isak asked, rubbing his back with one hand while running his other through Even's hair.

“Yeah,” Even said quietly, sitting up from where he'd been so comfortable. He scrubbed his hands over his face before heading to the bathroom.

He was trying lithium again, because it'd worked the best of all the prescriptions he'd tried. It messed up his sleeping schedule, and made him feel nauseous sometimes, but those were the least of his worries. The other pills he'd tried had done much worse to him, and paired with the antipsychotic that was proven effective, this twice a day combination was working well.

Stupid fucking bipolar. He hated it. It was part of what was keeping him from Isak. Isak's depression was another part, and the burden they'd inevitably place on each other when they had no one else to rely on more than they relied on each other. Isak's fear of abandonment and commitment, Even's fear of rejection. It simply... wasn't right. Even wished it was.

Sleeping around helped them from getting too serious, but it was something they never talked about. Something they knew but never acknowledged.

“Hey,” Isak said from the doorway, and Even turned around and saw him leaning against the frame and watching him. “You okay? You've been in here a while.”

“Just....” He gestured to the side of his head. “Got caught up in here. You know how it is.”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even's waist and Even hugged him around his shoulders. “I know.”

Even loved being friends with Isak. He loved holding Isak. And he loved loving Isak.

And he wasn't at all willing to give any part of it up.

So if this is what kept them safe, this restraint from giving in completely, then he would do it. He ruined everything, him and his broken mind. He really didn't want to ruin Isak, not more than Isak was already ruined by others, and he definitely didn't want to ruin the bond between the two of them. Their individual problems were enough, without piling on the problems of the other.

He didn't want Isak to feel obligated to take care of him. That's what would happen, if they dated. It was what happened with Sonja, and it was what broke them. Right now, Even could tell Isak to stay away, and Isak would, because he could. There was no commitment between them.

“Come here,” Isak said, turning Even's head towards him for a kiss. “You get lost in there sometimes. In your head.”

Even nodded and nudged his way into the crook of Isak's neck. He was so soft to Even. So vulnerable and sweet, in the way that he wasn't with anyone else. And Even loved it. And he loved him.

Isak had been broken and hurt, he was closed off and scared, but he let Even love him, and he loved Even back. That mattered more than being exclusive, the feelings that surrounded them. Sex was just sex, but love was something different entirely. For the two of them, sex wasn't even nearly as intimate as the rest of the things they went through together.

“I know,” Even said. “I wish I didn't.”

“It's okay,” Isak said. “I get lost, too.”

  
.

“Alex,” Even said, trying to use the cappuccino maker as his brother bounced around the coffeeshop. “Alex, stop!”

The boy looked at him, and slowed to a stop in front of the counter.

“Can you behave just until Dad can come pick you up?” Even asked. “It's half an hour. Thirty minutes. I'll give you a Sharpie and a cup to draw on, if you promise to sit by the window and only write on the cup with the Sharpie.” Even picked up the pen as Alex got a large to-go cup from behind the register. As Alex was reaching for the marker, Even pulled it back and said firmly, “Only the cup, Alex, I'm serious. Don't draw on anything else with this.”

“Can I draw on my hand?” he asked.

“What did I just say?” Even asked. The boy was exhausting. He was ten and he was exhausting.

“Not to draw on anything but the cup,” Alex repeated.

“Right. So, no, you can't draw on your hand. But draw whatever you want on the cup.”

“When's Dad coming?” Alex asked, looking up at him as Even handed him the Sharpie.

He sighed. “Half an hour. Like I already said.”

He wasn't very patient with his brother. He knew a lot of people who were great with their little siblings, especially when responsibility for the kid fell on the person, but Even wasn't one of those long-suffering souls. Alex was full of energy with a will of his own. He didn't listen, he didn't obey. And Even hadn't had to take care of him until his mother left four years before. He had thought at the time of her disappearance, that in time he'd get used to it. But while he became accustomed to her absence, he never got used to the responsibility he had to shoulder in her vacancy. He never became the perfect big brother, and he feared he never would. Alex frustrated him more than he did anything else.

“Isn't Grandma coming?” Alex asked, still standing in front of the counter.

“No, it's Dad.”

“When am I seeing Grandma again?” he asked.

“I don't _know_ , Alex, please go sit down, I'm trying to work. Ask Dad when he comes.”

Even loved his brother. He did.

What he hated was that this was _his_ responsibility. After he had to repeat his third year, after the worst manic and depressive episodes of his life, after _his_ mother left, too, all of this still fell on him.

It wasn't fair, and he knew life wasn't fair, but he thought he deserved for this to be. Because it wasn't fair that he had bipolar, either, or a broken family, or a boy he loved that he could never be with. It wasn't fair that he'd humiliated himself in his old high school, that he'd tried to kill himself without hardly being present for the attempt, that he'd had to drop out halfway through his final year and start all over somewhere else.

Those months in his last major depressive episode, all the time he'd missed that had lead him to have to leave school in the first place, humiliation or not, had been the only time in all the months he'd known him that he hadn't spoken to Isak. Even wouldn't let himself. Isak called and texted, said he knew what had happened and that he didn't care about any of it, about the suicide attempt or the bipolar or the public humiliation. Isak begged him to let him back into his life, had told him he missed him, had tried everything to get Even to open up and let himself be helped.

It was only afterwards, when Even got better and started talking again, and when Isak was still there and still trying, that Even let him back in. Let himself love him.

But he knew then that they could never be together. He would cause Isak this much pain with every episode, he'd distance himself that far every time. And Isak was just getting over being abused for months by that old fucking college professor, Isak couldn't handle constant heartbreak like this. It was enough when they were friends, when they relied on others more than they relied on each other. It got harder when they fell in love, it got more heartbreaking when something happened—when Even fell into hypomania or when Isak couldn't possibly get out of bed.

They'd talked about it. The night that Isak told him he loved him, in the middle of sex, they'd talked about what a relationship could mean for them. A real, romantic, exclusive relationship.

And they decided it couldn't work. What if they were both depressed at the same time, or if Isak was depressed while Even was manic? What if one of their episodes triggered one for the other one—if Isak took care of Even and he stopped taking care of himself, if Even worried so much about Isak that he couldn't stick to his rules anymore?

They decided it was for the best. So Even couldn't have the boy he loved in the same way he couldn't have a functional family or brain or past.

His phone rang.

There weren't any customers in line so he answered it when he checked the caller ID.

“Hi,” he said. “Are you out of work, yet?”

“Not yet,” his dad said. “I'm gonna be late, I'm sorry Even. Can Alex stay for another hour?”

“Dad,” Even said. “I'm trying to work, too, I can't babysit him all the time.”

“Your grandma couldn't take him today, just... it's just for another hour, Even, please. I promise I'll make it up to you.”

His father wasn't a bad man or a deadbeat dad. His father loved his children and wanted the best for them, he wanted to be with them and have them live like any other family would. But there just wasn't time for it. His job paid next to nothing—he hadn't gotten it for the money but because he liked it, and because he had a wife who could support the family, a wife that he'd married too young who had left him after sixteen years together. He was forty and he had a nineteen-year-old son and a job in public health policy, a kid who was six years old when his mother left who he hardly ever got to see. He wasn't bad, and he was trying his best. And Even tried to remember that.

“It's fine, Dad,” he said. “I'll take him home at the end of my shift. Don't worry about it.”

“I'm sorry, Even.”

“It's okay.”

“I'll make dinner. We can eat together.”

“That's fine,” Even said. “I get off at eight. We'll be home then.”

“I love you, son.”

“I love you, too, Dad.” He hung up with a sigh and glanced over at where Alex was writing on the cup with extreme concentration, his glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. Then he called Isak.

“Hey,” Isak said when he answered. “Aren't you at work?”

“Yeah, I was just.... Are you busy?”

“No, why? Want me to come visit?”

“If you want to maybe entertain Alex for another hour and a half? I'll give you all the free coffee you want, Isak, please.”

Isak laughed, his voice tinny over the phone line. “Sure. I'll be there soon.”

“Oh my God, I love you, thank you.”

“I love you, too,” Isak said. Even could hear the smile.

God, he wished they were right for each other. He wished they'd met each other at the right time, but they'd met when Isak was in the throes of an unhealthy affair and Even was with Sonja and they were at a party together in Isak's first year. They'd started having sex when Even broke up with Sonja after finding out that Isak was finished with Jan. Because Even had thought that they could be together, then. But Isak was still healing, so he gave him time, and then Even had his episode, and then... everything happened, and they admitted their feelings and then never got together.

Even couldn't consider the events that he could have put into motion to change how they ended up. To make sure they ended up together. Because if he thought about it, all the things he could have done differently, he was just upset that he hadn't done them.

  
.

“Stop looking at me like that, Mags!” Isak said, holding a beer in his hands. Even was sitting on the couch's arm watching them.

Magnus was pouting. “Please come.”

Isak sighed and looked at Magnus with disappointment in his eyes. “I don't want to.”

“I just want to prove my point!” Magnus said. He took Isak's beer out of his hands and Even laughed at the offense written on his face as his mouth fell open. “Come on, Issy, _please_.”

“It won't work,” Isak said, grabbing his beer back. “Me being gay doesn't make _you_ any more appealing. Just drop it.”

“I will not!” Magnus said adamantly. He could have stomped his foot and it would have fit right in with his tone, and probably with the rest of the party, as well. “Come with me, Isak, you'll see! Look, When girls find out you're friends with a gay guy they think you're all sweet and caring and stuff.”

“What does being friends with a gay guy have to do with you being sweet and caring?” Isak asked. “A lot of people are friends with gay guys. They're just normal shitty people.”

“Even, back me up,” Magnus said.

“This doesn't involve me,” Even said, taking a sip of his beer.

“It doesn't involve him,” Isak agreed. “He's not even gay.”

“I'm not even gay,” Even said, and Isak smiled.

“Please, Isak!” Magnus said. “Straight girls love gay guys!”

“I don't understand why you keep telling me that like it's gonna change my mind.”

“You saw how those dance chicks treated you when you came out,” Magnus said. “They loved you.”

“Maybe it was just my scintillating personality,” Isak said dryly.

“That's sure not it,” Magnus said, and Isak smiled at him crookedly.

“Dude, you don't need me to get girls,” he said. As much as Even loved being the only person Isak wasn't mean to, he loved watching this soft side make its way into his other relationships. Isak was generally just an unpleasant person, so when he let down his guard it was always incredible. “Just be yourself, Mags, they'll love you.”

“I'm always myself and they never love me,” Magnus said.

“Well then they don't deserve you.”

They were joined by Mahdi and Jonas then, and Magnus turned to them for help. “Guys, will you make Isak come hit on that girl with me?”

“Why would we do that?” Mahdi asked, sitting next to Even on the arm of the couch.

“So I can get laid,” Magnus said.

“Isak's terrified of women,” Jonas said. “He would never help you fuck one.”

“I'm not terrified of women!” Isak said.

“You're terrified of Sana,” Even said.

“And Eva,” Jonas said.

“And Noora,” Even nodded.

“Well they're terrifying to everyone,” Isak said.

“Eva is literally the _least_ threatening person in the entire world,” Jonas said.

“And Noora is basically your mom,” Mahdi said. Even watched Isak's face for any signs of discomfort at the mention of his family—he knew it was a sore spot that Magnus and Mahdi didn't know anything about—but Isak just smiled.

This was how most of their interactions as a group went. Magnus usually did most of the talking, and Even the least. He was more of an observer—outside of his relationship with Isak, as confusing and warped as it was, he didn't know how he fit into this group of boys. He was two years older, almost three. He'd only started hanging out with them because he'd known Isak before transferring to Nissen, and the others had welcomed him when Isak introduced them on Even's first day. He was closer to Sana than any of the boys besides Isak, but Sana didn't show up at shit parties in an attempt to get laid like the boys did, so she wasn't around.

“Hey,” Isak said, coming up close to him and looking down with bright eyes.

“Hey,” Even answered, hands fitting onto Isak's hips as Isak's found his shoulders. The rest of the boys had left, presumably to help Magnus hit on the girl that Isak wouldn't help him hit on, so it was just the two of them in the corner of the room, Even sitting sideways on the couch's arm and Isak between his legs.

“Are you good?” Isak asked, putting his hands on the sides of Even's face briefly.

“I'm good,” Even said.

Isak smiled a little. “Want me to make you feel even better?”

They were notorious for house party hookups. It was a rare occasion when they wouldn't disappear into a bathroom or guest bedroom for a quick blowjob, reemerging with flushed cheeks and tousled clothes.

No one knew what they were outside of a small group of people, who'd had it explained to them but couldn't for the life of them understand the logic behind it. To them, love was expected to conquer all, it was the single deciding factor, the overwhelming reality of the situation—that they would only bring each other down—didn't matter at all to their friends.

But love isn't all you need, love doesn't make everything else in the world come to a halt, it doesn't make everything else stop hurting.

Love _did_ make the sex better, though. A lot better. Knowing that he was giving Isak pleasure gave Even pleasure, so much more pleasure than he'd get out of getting someone else off. It'd been the same way with Sonja, when they started dating, before the diagnosis when everything changed between them. Simply, sex with feelings involved was so much better for him that sex without.

Making Isak come undone with Even's mouth around him was all the stimulation Even needed to come, too, with a few fast strokes from Isak's hand. He loved every second of having Isak inside him in any way at all, and he didn't feel that way with anyone else he was sleeping with. He never would.

When he kissed Isak after washing his hands and drinking some water from the sink faucet, he wondered if he'd ever feel about anyone the way he felt about Isak now. He wanted a relationship with someone, he wanted that epic love, he wanted a partnership and a family and a life to build. He was afraid that if he kept this up with Isak, he'd never be able to find love with someone else. At the same time, he was scared to death of giving up Isak.

What they had was a temporary fix, an acting stay on their emotions. It couldn't last long without heartbreak.

They hadn't meant to fall in love when they started sleeping together. They hadn't meant to get feelings involved. But Even had been half in love with Isak long before that first time they went to bed, it didn't take too long afterwards to complete it. It made everything hurt more, anyways, it made Even fear losing him, but that fear wasn't as bad as the fear of finally having him, having every part of him, and then losing all of him at once. At least now, he'd only lose the pieces he already had.

  
.

The thing was, without Isak's self control, Even would have dated him a long time ago.

Even was a romantic, he believed in epic loves, and he wanted it. And if it hadn't been for Isak keeping him in check, he would have tried a relationship despite all the warning signs against it, and it would have crashed and burned. They just weren't ready at the time, just like they weren't ready now. It was nothing to do with the chemistry between the two of them, but their separate selves.

Even thought that one day, maybe they could be together. And maybe that was why he let himself love Isak, knowing they'd both go to different people, too, to get sex without feelings. Maybe that was why he held on, despite everything, even though as long as he was with Isak, he would never be able to love someone else. Because someday, when they'd both fixed themselves, maybe they could help heal each other.

It couldn't be done, though, until Even accepted himself and Isak took steps towards recovering from his past. Because they couldn't rid each other of their issues, and if they tried they'd become so codependent that the relationship could never work. At least now they got to keep their separate lives as they healed, and they got to help each other when asked without feeling obligated to because of a commitment.

But he was thinking of this potential future relationship as he watched Isak and Alex make brownies in the kitchen, and he could picture their relationship as what they had now but... _more_. More exclusivity, more feelings, more time together, more everything. A deeper connection, a true, meaningful, adult relationship, where they still love each other but now it's more than life itself.

“You're not allowed to eat it before it's baked, Isak, what about salmonella!” shrieked Alex, yanking Even from his thoughts about what he wasn't even supposed to be thinking about as he had his homework spread in front of him.

“Salmonella isn't real,” Isak said, dipping his finger into the batter again and sucking it off with a pop as he released it.

“Don't tell him that!” Even said incredulously from the kitchen table.

“What?” Isak asked, turning to look at him. “Who the hell has ever gotten salmonella? You're not gonna get it from brownie batter, come on.”

“You don't know that,” Even said.

“You really think I'm gonna get salmonella from this, Even? You worry too much. No one gets salmonella.”

“Plenty of people get salmonella!” Even cried. “That's why there are warnings for it on everything. Like, 'don't consume raw cookie dough,' on the Tollhouse packages.”

“They say that because a _few_ people got it,” Isak said with a scoff. “It won't happen to us.”

“Those people probably didn't think it'd happen to them, either,” Even said.

Isak actually smiled a little at that, then schooled his face back into one of a challenge. Isak didn't lose arguments, not against Even. He would fight the people he trusted tooth and nail just so that he'd seem right even if he wasn't. It was a vast improvement from the kid who had met Jan and been used by him, but he wasn't a completely changed person. With authoritarian strangers he was still scared and submissive, it was only with the people he trusted not to get angry with him or punish him or leave him that he would fight back. Jonas and the boys and the collective and Even, and that was mostly it.

“You're really not gonna let him eat the brownie batter?” Isak asked.

“Of course he can eat the brownie batter, I just want him to be aware that salmonella is a real thing that exists, not a made up government myth.”

“Jesus, Even, I'm not telling him to go lick a raw chicken breast.” Isak dipped a spoon into the batter and handed it to Alex with a fond, “There you go, buddy, don't listen to Even.”

Alex stared at the spoon, and then Isak, and said in a solemn voice, “What if I die?”

“You won't die with salmonella,” Isak said. “That's what doctors are for.”

“Isn't salmonella incurable?” Even asked.

“For God's sake, Even, do you want him to be scared to death of everything? Let the kid live.”

Isak was terrible with everyone, but he was good with children. At least the fun parts of being around children—the toys and races and cookie baking. He loved stuffing Alex full of sugar and then just... leaving so he wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath.

Even was pretty good with most people, but around children he just froze, even if said child was related to him and trusted him implicitly. He didn't like them, he didn't like babies with their giant heads or toddlers that fell down every two steps. He was much better with full-sized people, which was unfortunate, because he didn't have a full-sized brother, he had a ten-year-old brother who he didn't understand.

But watching Isak with him only made Even fall deeper.

He wanted so badly to ask for more. But he knew that they couldn't have it.

  
.

It was only when his father asked him if he was okay that he realized he wasn't.

He hadn't been sleeping and his focus was off and he was talking too fast, and when his dad looked at him funny, Even didn't know why at first. Until he said, “Are you okay, Even?” and he answered, “Yes,” before thinking about it, but then he _did_ think about it and he realized that _fuck_ , no, he wasn't. Which meant he'd have to go to the doctor and he'd have to adjust his meds again and he was so fucking _tired_ of it, of everything, so he pretended it was fine because he wanted it to be fine.

Besides, he tried to think logically, when he was manic he didn't know he was manic. When he was manic he was on top of the world but he just didn't _know_ it, so, no, he couldn't be manic because he had the squirming suspicion that he was, and that meant that he _couldn't_ be. But that didn't stop the thoughts from rolling in faster than he could keep up with them, it didn't stop him from fidgeting around and smiling too broadly and talking to fast.

And when he thought back, then, yes, Isak had been sending him odd glances for a while, but he hadn't said anything because Even made him promise not to unless he knew for sure because Isak couldn't become domineering like Sonja nor should he be saddled with the stress of watching out for his symptoms to worsen.

So, no. Not yet. Maybe later but right now he was fine.

He was fine.

He was taking his meds and he'd been following his sleep schedule until a few days ago when he'd just been so keyed up that he _couldn't_ , he'd tried really hard but he couldn't. But he hadn't been drinking any more than usual and he'd only smoked one joint in the past two weeks so there was nothing—nothing that should have caused this, whatever might be happening. He'd been manic before. Right now he couldn't remember what it felt like, or if this compared.

“Are you okay, Even?” his father had asked, and Even had said, “Yes.”

Because people needed to stop fucking asking, okay? He was fine, he was nineteen, he was following all his rules so it _shouldn't_ happen, and that's not to say that it couldn't, that it wasn't, but it fucking _shouldn't_ because he was doing everything right and it was unfair that even when he did everything right his mind wouldn't fucking work.

His dad would tell him not to think like that. He'd say that there was nothing wrong with him, that it was just some faulty wiring and that they'd figure it out. He'd say that there was _something_ they could do to keep it from happening and it would make Even so fucking _mad_ , because there _wasn't,_ there wasn't anything he could do to stop an episode from ever happening again, that's not the way the medicine worked. It could make the episodes less severe, maybe, make them farther between, maybe even make him more aware of himself, or maybe that was just himself in his head still trying to reconcile the fact that he might be manic with the fact that he _knew_ that he might be manic.

And he didn't _mind_ being manic, he kind of liked the way his brain worked, he liked his own creativity, the light inside him that'd been dulled in his normal life with everything that'd happened to him. But he hated what came after the mania—not just the depression but the hurt that he'd caused everyone he loved. He'd scared Isak badly once, walking out of his bed and room and apartment in the middle of the night without clothes on, and Isak had picked him up from the police station with tears freezing on his cheeks and Even's own father trailing after him.

But the depression, too, that was something that never seemed to get better, no matter how short and relatively mild the manic episode was. The depressive episode might last a shorter time period than usual, maybe—still longer than the hypomania but shorter, too, than he'd experience with what his doctor called “full-blown-mania”, a word that made Even sound even fucking _crazier_ to himself--

But his dad would say not to say that, too, he'd say, “Don't call yourself crazy, Even,” and if he said it around Isak, he'd say, “When you call yourself crazy you're calling me crazy, too,” but Isak wasn't crazy, he was perfect.

The depression, though. The depression that didn't get better. The depression that was just as deep and unreachable every time, and logically he knew that there were different levels of it, different intensities, different depressions, but each time he fell it felt the fucking same: like the most hopeless thing in the world.

He wasn't going to tell his dad. Not yet. If this was what was happening, though, if he was about to enter mania, he'd tell someone before he peaked. He'd let his dad know while he still could, he _would_ , he wouldn't wait too long like the last time. If it was mania. Maybe it wasn't, and he clung to that hope, because maybe it _wasn't_ and maybe he didn't have to tell his dad and he didn't have to go get his meds adjusted and he could avoid the depression and the pain on the faces of the people he loved.

Maybe. But he didn't know, he didn't know what was true, he didn't know if he could trust his mind to tell him he was manic and he didn't know if he could trust it when it did.

So he kept his mouth shut. He said yes to his dad and then he went to his room and he was painting on his canvases for as long as he could, and his brain wasn't getting tired but his sleeping schedule had been messed up anyways from the lithium, he'd take long naps and then not be able to sleep at night—and never mind that he hadn't taken a nap in days, it could still be nothing.

It could still be nothing.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ableist language (self-hatred) that may be kind of jarring, so be careful <3


	3. isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lovelies :)  
> sorry i don't have a regular update schedule, i'm on my way home tonight and i'll figure out whether to post every 2 or 3 days.  
> thank you for all the love, i'm glad people seem to like it so far! thank you for the comments, i love reading them, and thank you for sending me stuff on tumblr, i get so excited when i see something :) thanks for talking about the fic and recommending it and reblogging the links and everything <3 thanks for just being wonderful people like you always are to me :)  
> there are warnings in the end notes <3

.

It was kind of a sure thing, this guy he'd met at a bar with Eskild. While Isak would always prefer to have sex with Even—for a bunch of reasons, really, not the least of which included how overwhelmingly _good_ the sex was between them—he sometimes felt like he asked for too much from him, like he was too clingy and needy and helpless. That was half the reason he slept with other people at all—the other half was that he and Even had decided that they needed it, that anything more, anything exclusive, anything shamelessly reliant would put too much pressure on this complicated, tenuous relationship.

So he had not only chatted up the guy, but was on his way home with him when his phone rang.

No one but Eskild, Jonas, or Even ever called him, so he knew he had to answer. It was probably just Eskild asking him to turn on his phone's location or something, but as soon as he saw the red heart on the screen he swiped it open and brought the phone to his ear.

“Even?” he said, and the guy next to him looked at him strangely. They were still walking towards his house. But Even didn't call unless he needed something. And if Even needed something, Isak would give it to him.

“Isak,” Even said, and Isak could tell that something was wrong. His voice was different and his tone was pained. Isak stopped walking, covering his other ear with his free hand even though the streets were empty and quiet in the middle of the night. The guy took a few steps past him, then stopped and turned to watch him. He didn't seem annoyed, or anything, just a bit concerned and maybe uncomfortable because it was freezing out and the person he was about to sleep with was obviously talking to another man on the phone.

“Baby, what's wrong?” he said, turned away from the guy. “Even?”

“I don't know what to do, Isak, I know I'm slipping, I know I am, but I don't know what to do.”

Isak froze with doubt and fear and hope, because Even had never let him in like this. He'd never _asked_ Isak to be there when he needed it, not like this, not during an episode. When Isak would come over while Even was depressed, Even would send him away. If Even was told that he was manic, or if he feared that he was, Isak would be the last person he'd want to worry with it.

It wasn't his fault. Isak didn't like it when Even saw him depressed, either, when Even watched him stay in bed for days at a time without any will to move. It was just to keep the pressure off. It was to keep their relationship under some semblance of the “just friends” that they always insisted they were.

But Isak wanted to be let in. He wanted to help Even and he wanted Even to accept his help. He didn't care what it messed up, he didn't care if it brought them closer than they should be; being separated from him when he knew he was hurting—that was the worst thing. Nothing mattered more than Even's comfort, more than Even feeling safe. If he ruined something by going to him, then they could deal with that later.

Right now, Isak wasn't going to let him be alone. He would be there for Even, because Even wanted him to. And whatever Even wanted, Isak would try his best to give.

Whatever Even wanted.

“I'll be there soon, Even, don't worry,” he said. “We'll figure it out. We can do lots of stuff tonight, and we'll visit the doctor tomorrow. Just stay on the phone with me, okay? Can you do that?”

“I will.” He sounded so vulnerable, almost... scared. He'd had enough hypomanic episodes to know the signs of one by now, but it seemed a lot worse than just the beginning of one. But he wouldn't break from reality, hopefully—not if they brought him to the doctor and kept this mild tension from developing into the full extent of what could happen, the kinds of mania that Even didn't let Isak see anymore. He'd done a lot of research during Even's biggest episode. He'd asked Even questions and waited patiently for the answers. He knew what Even needed even if Even didn't want to let him in—that was okay, he'd be there when he did.

Isak pressed the screen of his phone to his chest and turned back to the guy. “I'm sorry, I have to go.”

The guy stared at him for a second before saying, “What the fuck, man, do you have a boyfriend?”

“No,” Isak said. He didn't have time for this. “No, he's just a friend, but.... I mean it doesn't matter. I have to go.”

He started walking away before the guy could say anything, which was a slow and lost, “O...kay,” as Isak brought his phone back to his ear and tried to map out the best way to Even's apartment without taking the trams. It was too late for them to still be running.

“Even? Still there?” he asked, trying to speak in a calm voice to make Even stay calm. Because he knew Even hated his brain, the mind that Isak loved, because it wouldn't let him live like other people lived. He knew that Even was afraid of himself, because he thought that everyone else was afraid of him.

He knew that Even would overreact, that Even would think that he was capable of worse than he was, that Even would cut him off soon and claim that he was dangerous because there was one time that he was too overexcited in bed and left bruises on Isak's hips, and then he wouldn't touch Isak for a month. That was during a hypomanic episode, too, and even though Isak told him time and time again that it was okay, that it was mild, that he didn't mind it at all—

Even minded. And Even hated himself more than Isak thought anyone could, then and every moment since.

“Still here,” Even said.

“Talk to me,” Isak said, shoving his free hand into his jacket pocket. “Tell me how you're feeling.”

“I can't sleep and I can't... I can't focus and I know that it's happening, Isak,” Even said, his voice fast, each word sounding like it'd been punched into the air. “I know I'm manic--”

“It's really mild, baby, don't worry. Okay? Don't worry about it.”

“I hate being manic, Isak, I hate... I hate not having control over myself, you know I do. You know I do.”

“Even,” he said, “Even, listen, okay? You're gonna be fine. I promise you you'll be fine. You know how I know that?”

“How?” Even asked, sounding breathless.

“Because you know that you're slipping, babe, and that means it's only a little bit. It means we can take care of it. Okay? You believe me?”

“Okay,” Even said. “Okay.”

“We just have to get through tonight. A day at a time, you remember that? I'll stay up with you, and we can do whatever you want all weekend after we visit the psychiatrist.”

“That sounds nice,” Even said.

When he got to Even's it'd been thirty minutes since he first called and Isak had let him talk the whole way. His dad was asleep and Alex was at their grandmother's. Even was working on three different paintings at the same time, but when Isak got there, he managed to stop his bouncing focus long enough to fuck. They had to be quiet but they didn't have to be gentle—Isak knew Even's sex drive would be through the roof but he didn't know just how _long_ he was prepared to go for. They had sex for almost three hours, and Isak had hoped that it would exhaust Even enough to get a few hours of sleep before sunrise, but it only left Isak tired and Even as keyed up as before.

He'd seen Even like this before, when neither of them were sure whether he was hypomanic or just happy, before Even peaked and then crashed and then pushed Isak away. He'd seen it before but Isak didn't ever ask because Even never wanted him to. But it was different, being here when Even had wanted him to be, when he _knew_ that what was happening instead of just suspecting.

They were kissing after Even made Isak come four times with his mouth and his fingers and his dick. Even didn't want anything for himself, he wouldn't let Isak touch him, didn't care about his own pleasure even half as much as Isak's and Isak could tell. Not only because Even kept murmuring in Isak's ear, kept telling him he wanted to make him feel good and he wanted to make him come, but because he physically held Isak down on the bed like he only had before when he was manic, making sure Isak didn't worry about Even's needs at all. Even came once in the hours they'd fucked, but it felt like Isak had been taken care of again and again, a pleasant warmth that exhausted him.

“I love you, Isak,” Even said against his lips, both of them still naked. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Isak said, fingers curling around Even's jaw.

“Let me make you come again, baby--”

“No, Even,” Isak said, because he knew that one more time would push him into sleep, and he wanted to stay awake with Even, at least until Erik woke up. Even's face fell and Isak knew that his mind was moving quickly, that he was blaming himself for what he believed to be Isak's discomfort. “No, baby, it's fine,” Isak assured, kissing his cheek. “Let's just do something else. Can we do something else? Do you want to... draw on my back, like you did that one time?”

“I don't want to do it if you don't want me to,” Even said. “I don't want to make you... uncomfortable, I know I'm hard to be around when I'm like this—”

“It's not hard, Even, it never is.” He cupped Even's face in both hands again and smiled as they kissed. “I love you. We can do whatever you want.”

It felt good, sitting up with Even tracing magic markers over the skin on his arms. It was soothing and it was only because he was sitting up that he stayed awake until the sun rose and he could hear Erik bustling around outside Even's closed door.

“Have you told your dad?” Isak asked him quietly, and Even's fingers only stilled for a second, before they kept tracing lines over his forearm.

“Not yet.”

“Do you want to, now?” Isak asked, brushing through Even's hair with his free hand. “I think you should try to go to the doctor today. Don't you think?”

“I don't want to change meds again, Isak,” Even said, closing his eyes, his hands falling into his lap. “I feel like I've tried fucking _everything_ and it's only been two years since the diagnosis. Mood stabilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. All the different fucking combinations and dosages and two times a day, then three times a day. I'm tired, Isak, I don't want to do it anymore.”

“Maybe she won't change it,” Isak said. “Maybe she'll say you just have to wait it out, because this combination is something you've gotta get used to. Maybe she'll just give you a little bit higher dose of clozapine, okay, maybe it won't be so bad. Just... will you please try, baby? Just focus on the positives, right?”

“Will it make you happy?” Even asked after a minute.

“If you're happy I'm happy, Even,” Isak said with a smile. And, fuck, nothing was truer. “Don't do this for me. Do what you need to do for yourself. Whatever you want, I'm here.”

Erik took Even to the doctor and Isak took a long nap in Even's bed until long after they returned. But he wasn't going to leave, not while Even needed him.

He took a shower, washed the ink from his skin and watched the colors run down the drain. He dressed in Even's clothes and sat with the two of them in the living room, and Isak knew that Erik suspected that they were more than friends, that the topic of sexuality was a strong point of contention between the father and son for no other reason than that Erik hated how hard his son's life already was—but Erik smiled tiredly and welcomed him, and told him that the doctor had upped the dosage of antipsychotics, just for the time being. They were supposed to keep the hypomania from evolving into mania, and hopefully they would help get Even to sleep for a few hours. There were some prescribed sleeping pills, too, if they were needed. Isak didn't much like the idea of drugging Even until he fell asleep, but he didn't like that Even wasn't sleeping at all, either.

They stayed up for a few hours, bouncing between playing video games and watching movies and drawing pictures, but when Even said he felt tired at seven pm, Isak didn't protest and climbed into bed with him happily. They exchanged sloppy blowjobs and fell asleep in minutes.

  
.

The depression was so much worse than the mania.

Isak knew it would be, he'd been told by Even multiple times before, and Erik had warned him about it just the previous night. But he still almost wasn't expecting it when he woke up on Monday morning to Even still asleep. He'd asked Linn to feed Ripley. He'd told Eskild that he was staying at Even's for a few days, that he'd call home if he needed anything and he'd keep his phone charged. He'd told Jonas that he probably wouldn't be at school on Monday, and maybe for a few days after, and to let the boys know that Even was down but that they were handling it.

But still, when he woke up and Even was still sleeping beside him, he was almost... shocked, or something. He'd been expecting it, though, right? He'd been told to expect it, and he'd known that he _should_ , but he just. Hadn't.

So he pressed a kiss to the side of Even's head that morning and the mornings after it, until it was Wednesday and Even woke up with the pressure of his lips.

He'd been pretty unresponsive for the past days, eyes glazed over as he stared at the wall. He was asleep most of the time, and he'd sit up long enough to take his meds and eat something small, but he hadn't said a word to Isak since Sunday, and Isak missed his voice.

When Even's eyes fluttered open Isak stayed in bed instead of going to pee like he'd intended. He brushed his fingers over Even's cheek, through his hair, and smiled.

“Hi, baby,” he said quietly. It felt like the moment called for it; he didn't want to shatter the morning with anything but whispers. He knew not to ask if Even was okay, but the words pushed at his lips anyways. Instead, he said, “Can I get you anything?”

“You shouldn't be here,” Even said, voice hoarse, closing his eyes briefly as Isak traced his fingers across his eyebrow.

Isak was expecting this. Even had never wanted to be seen by Isak like this, he'd actively kept him away from seeing him like this. But it wasn't too different from his own depression, really, except that his was more contained with his antidepressants than Even's had been with his mood stabilizers, and Even's came all at once and so intensely, while Isak's was a part of his everyday life. But Isak had known that this was coming, because he had felt it himself, with Jonas and Eskild and Noora and Linn.

“Do you want me to leave?” Isak asked calmly.

Even looked at him for a minute. “I think you should.”

“But do you want me to?” Isak asked. “It's up to you, baby. If you want me to stay, I will. I love being with you. But if you want me to leave, I'll go. No hard feelings. Just tell me what you want, not what you think is best for me.”

Even swallowed tightly and watched him. Even dazed like this, even dull and tired, his eyes were the most beautiful things in the world.

“Do you want me to stay, Even?” he whispered, running his fingers through Even's hair.

Even nodded once, gently. “I want you to stay.”

He fell asleep again, turned on his side, and Isak spooned him to his chest and nosed against the back of his neck, and fell asleep with him.

Because this had happened to him, and he'd wished that he'd been held, every time. It was why he sometimes crawled into bed with Eskild in the middle of the night. It was why he was given Ripley by his roommates.

He was trying to keep Even afloat like he himself had been helped by his own friends. _Friends._ What a funny word for what they were.

He figured he'd probably been depressed for a long time, but that it was Jan who broke him so much that he lost his will. Jan who'd hit him and bullied him and yelled at him, Jan who Isak had thought he loved, Jan who had treated him like shit for so long, but who was still the one to leave. It was after Jan that he stopped eating and would either sleep for days at a time or not at all. He'd lost nearly fifteen pounds and missed much more than ten percent of the school year by the time he finally went to the doctor that Even recommended him, in the rare times during the month that Isak let him in.

So he held Even all day. He told him he loved him, that he wanted him to feel better, because all he could think about was the time when he wouldn't let anyone tell him any of that. Noora had made him food that he didn't eat and Eskild had slept beside him when Isak would let him and Linn would bring him things while the other two were at work or school. But no one told him that he was loved. No one told him that they wanted the best for him.

“I wish we could be together, Even,” he whispered when Even was asleep beneath his arm. Because these things were easier to say like this. “I wish I was better for you. I know you want me to be, you want us to be together but the most I can do is love you. And I know that's not enough, baby. That someday you'll... find someone better than me, and I promise I just want you to be happy. It's all I want. But I haven't given up yet, so maybe you can give me more time. Just a little more time, for me to help myself. So that I can be my best for you, so that we can be together.” He kissed Even's shoulder and laid his head there. “I think we could be great together.”

  
.

Alex had been staying at his grandma's house for past few days, because Erik wasn't around enough to take proper care of him and obviously Even wasn't able to pick up the slack right now like he usually would.

But he came back on Friday after school and Erik was still at work for a long time after Alex was dropped off. And it was actually fun for Isak. He loved Even, but laying in bed with him all day while Even's only words to him were, “I don't want to make you sad,” wasn't the most entertaining thing to do.

“Why don't you and Even date?” Alex asked as Isak read the instructions on the back of a box of macaroni and cheese, the pot in front of them heating water.

“Maybe we will someday,” Isak said, but the word _someday_ was so distant and vague that he didn't even believe it himself. “But right now is just not the right time.”

“But you love each other,” Alex said.

There was always that assumption, from everyone who didn't understand, that love makes everything else go away. But life isn't like that—you can love each other all you want but acknowledge that you're no good for each other. And the last thing Isak ever wanted to do is hurt Even, but right now, even as they refrained from a relationship, they'd hurt each other over and over again. Isak felt a twinge of pain every time Even looked at him and told him that he shouldn't be there, and he knew that Even would hurt when Isak wouldn't answer his calls or let him into his room. He knew it'd hurt even more if they were together. They were both far too invested in self-preservation, too scared to be hurt that they didn't give anyone, especially each other, the chance to get to _choose_ to leave. It was always something imposed on them.

But he didn't know how to explain this to a ten-year-old.

“Sometimes love isn't enough.”

And if he was more of an asshole, he'd say, “Your mom loved you, but she still left. Because it wasn't working anymore, because she loved you but she didn't love her life. Because you loved each other but she didn't love herself.” And Isak _didn't_ love himself, he couldn't remember a time when he had. And Even deserved someone who didn't rely on his love for survival, someone who couldn't forge any love for himself and had to take it from others.

He didn't tell Alex any of that, because he wasn't going to be the dick who brought up his absent mother while his brother was depressed and his dad had shipped him off to live with a relative for the past week.

“Go get the milk, buddy,” Isak said, pushing him towards the fridge.

When Alex was eating happily Isak stood in the kitchen talking to Jonas on the phone.

“I'll be at school on Monday,” he said, leaning back against the counter.

“You can't be missing this much school, Isak,” Jonas sighed. “I know you're happy that Even let you in but a _week_?”

“I have a doctor's note on file,” Isak said. “I have a lot more days to miss than ten percent. And, yeah, it's kind of shitty to let them think I'm missing because of my depression, but Even _asked_ me to be here, Jonas, he's never asked me before, he always shuts me out. I'll pick up my work from you tomorrow, okay? I can work on it here, Even's not doing much but lying in bed.”

“Then why did you stay with him?” Jonas asked. And Isak _understood_ , okay, he _knew_ that people didn't understand, Jonas least of all. Because Jonas cared about Isak so much and he didn't understand why he would let himself love Even but get nothing out of it. Why Isak stayed with him even though breaking apart would make getting on with their lives a million times easier.

“Because he wanted me to,” Isak said quietly. “And I know you don't like it, Jonas, but I'll love him even if he finds someone else and I'll love him even if he stops loving me, and I can't _help_ that. So I'm going to take advantage of the time when he _can_ still love me.” Because everyone stops, eventually. “I have to go, Eskild wanted me to call. I'll come by tomorrow.”

“Okay, man,” Jonas sighed, and hung up.

Eskild picked up enthusiastically on the first ring. “Baby gay! I miss you. Call back on Facetime.” The line went dead and he sat in one of the kitchen chairs as he opened the app and waited for the call to go through. And then Eskild's face was filling up the screen, his bright smile, and Isak had to grin. “Hi, Isak!” Eskild cried, elongating the words like he tended to do. “How's Even?”

“He's... down, but he'll be okay,” Isak said, smiling when Eskild sat down next to Linn on the couch. “Hi Linn.”

“Hey, Isak,” she said, hair tied up in a bun and sweatpants on.

“How's Ripley?” Isak asked, and Eskild angled the phone down enough so that he could see the cat on Linn's lap. He smiled. “Hi baby,” he said and the kitten looked around, making Eskild laugh as he raised the phone back for the camera to capture he and Linn again.

“She misses you,” Eskild said. “And I miss you, too. When are you coming home?”

“Sunday,” Isak said definitively. “I'm going back to school on Monday.”

Noora sat down on Eskild's other side. “Hi Isak,” she said with a smile.

“Hi, Noora.”

“Do you need anything?” she asked.

“I'm okay,” Isak said.

And he _was_ okay, yes, but he was worried, too, and he didn't handle stress well, so while he was okay now, it was only a matter of time before he wasn't. He already wasn't eating again, because there was no one to tell him to. Even was too out of it to notice and no one in the collective was around, taking care of him like they had since he was sixteen.

They didn't make him pay rent and they didn't make him buy food because they knew that he couldn't, but that if he wasn't living there than he had nowhere to go but the couches of friends. Eskild found him after his father left, took him in after his mother left. Noora moved into Linn's room without complaint and Isak got a bedroom to himself, and he felt so fucking guilty but everyone kept telling him not to.

They'd taken care of him after his mother and they'd taken care of him after Jan, and he knew that logically he wasn't as big an inconvenience as he thought it was, but it didn't stop him from worrying. That he was being treated _too_ well, that he was being given things he didn't deserve.

“Are you sleeping?” Eskild asked. Isak nodded—it was all he'd been doing. “Eating?”

“Yes,” Isak lied. It wasn't anything about his body image, or anything, but just his will to eat, his hunger, was gone. He forced down a piece of toast with Even and then couldn't bear the thought of anything else. Usually they'd make him eat anyways, no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel. Noora would cook little things full of nutrition so he wouldn't have to choke down a lot of food, and Eskild would make him tea to keep him hydrated. But no one was making him now. And he felt fine, he did. Just fine.

“Taking your meds?” Eskild asked, and Isak looked at him for too long before lying. “Isak!” Eskild groaned. “Your body's never gonna get used to them if you don't take them.”

“I forgot!” Isak said, and that was actually the truth.. “I've been at Even's since Friday night, I didn't go home for anything. I'll stop by tomorrow and pick them up. I promise I'll take them. Swear.”

“We'll all have dinner together Sunday,” Noora said, and he had the suspicion that she knew he'd been lying about his eating habits, too. “I'll make pasta.”

He forced a smile. “Sounds good. I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Eskild said firmly, then his face brightened and he said, “Bye, baby Jesus, we love you.”

“Tell Even I hope he feels better,” Noora said.

“I'll keep Ripley happy,” Linn said.

He went back into Even's room and laid down on the bed with him. He looked over Even's face, then traced his fingers along the same route that his eyes had taken. He was so perfect. Despite everything he said about himself, despite all the things he'd been through, despite his crushing self-hatred, he was the best person Isak knew. He was perfect. And Isak would take all of him, if he thought that doing so wouldn't crush Even. His desires meant nothing next to Even's needs.

  
.

He went to school without Even on Monday, gave his friends a short update on Even's mental health, and threw away the cheese toast he'd bought after taking one bite. He was back on his pills but he felt like maybe he'd messed up, not taking them in a week. At the time it didn't seem like too big a deal. Now, with Even hurting and Isak unable to do anything about it, he wished he hadn't stopped. Because he felt the exhaustion coming back and he wasn't able to sleep anymore. Food was even more unappetizing and he'd thrown up the pasta that Noora made them for dinner on Sunday, washing his mouth out before returning so that no one would know. And he didn't _understand_ the way his mind worked because he could be happy, so happy, he could feel content and at peace and useful and then everything could crash down and suddenly—

Suddenly he was that unloved boy again, fifteen and without a father, sixteen and without a mother. He was someone rejected by the man who'd hurt him again and again and again. He couldn't sleep again and he couldn't eat again and he was in love with someone who loved him back but not enough to make everything else go away. No amount of love could do that and he wished it could.

But he covered it up and people didn't notice. He ate half of an apple at lunch and felt sick for the rest of the day but no one said anything because he didn't let them.

And for a second he thought that what they feared had happened—that being with Even during this episode was making Isak unable to take care of himself. For a second, he was reminded that they were making the right decision, staying apart, that they would only damage each other until they fixed themselves.

But then he realized that they had also thought that the other wouldn't stay. And Isak had stayed, he'd stayed with Even through it all and he was going back tonight. He'd done it happily and he hadn't stopped to think that he shouldn't. But more than that—Even had asked him to. And that was a step up from everything else. They hadn't thought that they'd ever ask each other for help, but Even had.

And, no, taking care of Even wasn't _easy_ , but it hadn't made Isak start to crash, either—he wasn't even _taking care_ of Even, he was just being with him, which was his favorite thing in the world. Isak had gotten bad because he'd forgotten to take his pills like he did too often. That wasn't Even's fault at all, it was his. Maybe this time he'd forgotten because he was with Even, but he'd forgotten plenty of times before, too, so why should he suddenly blame Even? It wasn't his fault now any more than it'd been the last time, when Isak saw them in the medicine cabinet and pointedly closed the door, or the time before when he was with Jonas for a few days and didn't remember to bring them with him.

It wasn't Even's fault that without the antidepressants he lost some of his carefully built stability. And it wasn't Isak's fault, either, it was brain chemistry and it was science and it was everything that had happened in his past, everything that he'd been working through for so long, for a year, for his entire life.

So maybe their fears about bringing each other down weren't as bad as they had made them out to be. Isak certainly felt better being with Even than getting vague updates from Erik on his condition and fretting nervously for the endurance of the episode. Even didn't get too many, but he got a few—two manic episodes and a small series of hypomanic in rapid cycling, only two of which had been severe enough for Isak or anyone else to notice—and when he didn't allow Isak to be near him, Isak was crushed. And this was better, because he knew firsthand that he was okay, and so maybe being separated, maybe not relying on each other during episodes—maybe it wasn't for the best, like they'd thought it was. Maybe it hurt more than seeing each other hurt did.

Maybe they wouldn't hurt each other. Maybe everything wasn't as dire as it seemed, because Isak was getting better—not right now, but in the grand scheme of things. He'd built his relationships back up, he was going to therapy, he was on medication that he needed and he was out of an abusive relationship. He felt stronger now, and while he still lacked self-confidence and any semblance of peace in himself, he was reaching stability.

And realizing it made him happy.

He had stayed away from Even so that he could heal on his own. And he was healing.

 

**Even <3**

Isak: _Hi I love you_

 

**Even <3**

Isak: _Hope you're having a good day <3_

 

**Even <3**

Isak: _I'll come back over tonight if you want._

 

Even: _Please_

 

Isak: _< 3_

 

**Even <3**

Isak: _The boys say hi and they hope you feel better :)_

 

**Even <3**

Even: _Are you out?_

 

Isak: _Walking to the stop now. Why?_

 

Even: _I think you should just go home._

 

Isak: _Okay. Are you ok?_

 

Even: _I want to be enough for you_

 

Isak: _You are baby_

_You're more than enough_

_You're everything <3 and I love you_

 

Even: _How are we ever going to move on from each other if we say this?_

 

Isak: _I don't know_

 

Even: _I think we should stop_

 

Isak: _Stop what?_

 

Even: _I love you so much_

_But I want to love someone that I can be with_

_Forever_

 

Isak: _What are you saying?_

 

Even: _We won't be together Isak_

_We knew it had to stop sometime_

 

Isak: _It doesn't have to stop now_

 

Even: _I'm not just saying this because I'm sick_

 

Isak: _I know you're not but why does it have to be now?_

 

Even: _Because I'm brave enough to do it now._

 

Isak: _Even_

 

Even: _I want you to be happy baby_

_You won't be happy loving someone you can never be with_

_And neither will I_

 

Isak looked at the phone in his hand, stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and felt every last bit of hope leave him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: disordered eating, bipolar episode (hypomania and depression)  
> thank you so much for all of your support, please talk to me any time with any concerns or criticisms, i'm not an expert, i'm going off of courses from my psychology minor and pre-med major, and any extra research i can do <3


	4. even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi bbys i'm back from my vacation so updates will be every 2-3 days from now on :)  
> thank you so much for the support on the last chapters, i've had some upload difficulties so thanks for sticking with me. now that i've got regular access to my laptop back, everything should run smoothly :)  
> i love your comments and kudos and asks on tumblr! thank you tons <3 <3 please never hesitate to talk to me about anything :)  
> warnings in the end notes and only briefly edited :)

.

He didn't get out of bed for another week, and even then it was only for small trips to the psychologist, or a tram ride to McDonald's. He didn't talk to anyone and he didn't know how much of it was because of the bipolar and how much of it was desperate heartache.

He hadn't spoken to Isak at all. Not a single text, no phone calls, no visits. Isak's last message glared at him every time he unlocked his phone, because Even couldn't stop rereading the conversation. _Okay._ That was it, that was the last thing Isak had said to him, and Even hadn't tried to say anything else. He deserved Isak's anger—he had ended it, everything, over text the moment Isak left him alone, after Isak had done nothing but love him for one of the lowest weeks of his life.

He didn't know if it was the depression that made him feel this loss more deeply or the loss that prolonged the depression. He missed Isak every moment, he regretted his words and the way he'd phrased them, he could feel his absence with every breath.

They had withheld from a relationship so that they didn't hurt each other, but this hurt just as much.

But hopefully—

Hopefully they could heal from this. They could learn to love themselves and they could learn to love others. They could be the friends that they used to be; uncomplicated and close. Even wouldn't be able to stand it if Isak was vacant from his life forever. The loss would crush him.

But if Isak needed time then Even would give him time. If Isak hated him, then Isak had a right to. But maybe he wouldn't, for long. Maybe—hopefully—he'd be forgiven.

Thinking that he'd made the right decision didn't stop him from hurting, though. He missed the body alongside his own and he missed Isak's voice in his ear. And more than anything he wanted to know if Isak was okay. Isak didn't handle bad news particularly well.

His phone rang and he only answered it because it was Sana.

“Hi, Sana,” he said, and suddenly wanted to cry. Because the only person he wanted to talk to about Isak was Isak.

He'd known it would hurt, but he didn't know it'd hurt this bad.

“Hey, Even,” she said softly. “How are you?”

“I'm okay,” he said, burrowing deeper into the covers. He didn't feel like talking, but at the same time he felt like he had to. Like he should.

“Okay, you just haven't been at school. I was just... checking up.”

Sana was the only other person at Nissen besides Isak that Even knew before transferring. Even though he didn't talk to her brother anymore, or any of their friends from Bakka, he talked to Sana now more than ever.

“I had a minor episode,” Even said. He was exhausted just from this.

“I figured,” Sana said kindly. “Do you want me to grab your missed work, or anything?”

“No, my teachers are saving it for me.”

“Okay. I'll let you go, then.”

“Wait—Sana?”

There was a short pause like she was bringing the phone back to her ear after going to hang up. “Yeah?”

“Have you seen... Isak, at all?”

“Just in class,” Sana said. “Why, what's up?”

“Does he look okay?” Even asked nervously, fingers pulling at the edge of his blanket.

She paused for a moment. “We're not very close, Even, I don't know. He's maybe a little quiet? But... we haven't had a lot of time to talk. Is everything okay?”

He shook his head. “It's fine. I've gotta go.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

He didn't want Isak to be sad, this wasn't what he'd wanted. He wanted to give Isak the potential of being happy, of being free and finding someone new. They would never find a lasting relationship if they were always in love with each other.

He pulled the covers over his head and fell asleep again. The knowledge of his intentions didn't make it hurt any less.

  
.

Going back to school after one of his episodes was always one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He always thought that maybe it was this time that people would find out, that people would talk, that everyone at Nissen would call him psychotic and crazy like everyone in Bakka had.

But this time, like the times before, no one noticed. He could walk through the halls without stares, and even though he felt like all eyes were on them, because he always did, they weren't. No one cared, not yet, and it appeased Even enough to relax his shoulders.

It'd been another week before he returned, a Friday so that he'd only have to deal with one day in succession, to cut down on the stress. He needed to stay calm and relaxed, because reentering a rapid cycling stage would be no fun at all, but he needed to get back on his feet, too. And his boundaries had allowed for three weeks of depression and then slow progress out of it, and now it was time to start living his life again, a little bit at a time.

He hadn't spoken to Isak and he hadn't spoken to any of their friends. This wasn't too surprising—he wouldn't blame Isak for hating him for ending things the way he had, so curtly and without the balls for a face-to-face interaction. And the boys knew that Even wanted to keep to himself about his brain, and Isak wasn't one to open up about pain, so they wouldn't know that anything happened in the first place between the two of them.

Even had wanted to give up a hundred times that day. When he felt exhausted after sleeping for ten hours straight, he wanted to go back and sleep some more. When he exited the shower and felt weak pulling on his clothes, he thought that maybe he could be happier in bed than he could ever be anywhere else. Time and time again, he wanted to turn around and go home once he got to class, collecting his missed work from his teachers and then sitting in the back of the room without paying attention because it'd be fruitless to listen when he was already as far behind as he was. But even so, he kept reminding himself that he'd forced himself out of bed, he'd dragged his clothes over his body, he'd grabbed a banana from the kitchen counter and tousled Alex's hair and let his father kiss his cheek. He'd survived all the other times he wanted to leave, and he could survive this next one, too.

It was a game they used to play. One day at a time, minute by minute. Get through this second and work on conquering the next.

He watched the halls for Isak, but didn't seek him out. It would be up to Isak to restart the relationship between them, and Even hoped to God that they could be friends, he hoped beyond everything that he hadn't ruined them. Because, Jesus, it hurt. It hurt worse than almost anything had before, and every second he regretted it but every second he thought it was right, too.

He talked a bit to Sana at his locker, assured her that he was okay, and she gave him her German homework over the past few weeks so that he could copy her answers. He smiled and promised to do just that, and she smiled her pretty lipsticked smile at him and touched his arm briefly before leaving.

All the good of the day was forgotten and all pleasantness from what he'd accomplished disappeared when he saw Isak in the doorway to the cafeteria. It felt like everything was wiped from beneath his feet, and Even was left sprawling in its wake.

Because Isak looked bad. Terrible. Dark circles under his eyes and pale skin and his hoodie hanging loosely, and Even had to wonder when he last ate anything substantial, because it could have been weeks. Even hadn't seen him in two weeks, and he hadn't been aware enough to recognize whether or not Isak was taking care of himself in the week that he'd taken care of Even.

It was his worst fear come alive—because he'd hurt someone else like he always knew he would. Isak had neglected himself in favor of Even because Even had _asked._ For the first time ever, Even had made the stupid decision to ask, to let Isak in, to let himself be helped when he knew that he shouldn't because he broke people and he broke relationships.

This was why they could never work. This was why he had broken it off, this was why they would have never worked before. He never wanted to feel better at the expense of Isak's health, and he was afraid that Isak always would sacrifice himself, because when Isak loved, then Isak gave everything. When Isak gave everything, it wasn't in his power anymore to keep it from being broken.

Instead of voicing his concerns, Even just tried to paste a smile on his face. “Hi,” he said, in the doorway, upturned lips faltering at the edges at Isak's empty expression.

He watched Isak swallow hard, heard the strained and quiet, “Hey,” that came out of his mouth.

“How are you?” All semblance of calm was gone. His force expression fell and his worry came through loud and strong.

“I should go,” was all Isak said in reply, and he pushed past Even's body to disappear into the hall, and Even could only look after him and think that he'd made a mistake.

Because Isak was dealing with this alone, and Even should have realized it. Isak didn't ask for help, not from him or anyone else, and that meant that no one was helping him, and maybe no one knew. Of course he would take the end of his most intimate relationship devastatingly, of course it was Even's fault.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't be with him and he couldn't be without him, he hurt him both ways and there was nothing else that he could think of.

For now, he would give Isak time. He would hope that Isak would let in Jonas, or Eskild. He hoped that Isak wouldn't break before it happened, before help came. And he wished that he could hold him and talk to him, but he'd given that up. So his task now was to give time and space until that didn't work anymore, because Even ruined things, and Even broke people. He'd hurt Isak this much, he didn't know what his continued presence would possibly do but hurt him more, even though his continued absence was probably doing the same.

  
.

He saw Isak around periodically for the next week, and he didn't look better. He didn't know if he looked worse, didn't know if he _could_ look worse. But for a while, Even didn't do anything. He sat with Sana at lunch, appreciating that she broke from her friends, and glanced at the boys' table across the cafeteria. Isak was only there half the time, and when he was he didn't talk or eat anything, just moved things around on his tray and smiled halfheartedly at conversations.

Even's fears of Isak keeping everything locked into himself were validated on a Wednesday, when Jonas texted him after school and Even knew that he had to answer. _Do you know what's wrong with Isak? He won't talk and we haven't seen you around. What happened?_

Even stared at it and wanted to curl into a ball and make all the guilt go away. This was his fault. Isak was hurting and it was Even's fault, and Isak was closing himself off to all the people who cared about him like he had when he was younger, and now Even wasn't someone who could get Isak to open.

Someone had to know. Someone had to help.

**Jonas**

Even: _We broke up._

_I don't think he's okay._

 

Jonas: _Fuck._

_Are you okay?_

 

Even: _No_

 

Jonas: _When did this happen?_

 

Even: _Three weeks ago._

_I was depressed. I don't know._

_I just knew that it was coming. I had to do it while I still could._

 

Jonas: _Dude_

 

Even: _I didn't mean to hurt him like this_

 

Jonas: _What did you think was going to happen?_

 

Even: _I don't know Jonas. We weren't dating. We weren't together._

_I didn't think it'd hurt this bad._

 

Jonas: _And have you 2 spoken?_

 

Even: _He doesn't want to talk to me_

 

Jonas: _You're best friends_

 

Even: _I know. I just don't want to make this harder on him_

 

Jonas: _It's already hard on him, Even._

 

Even: _I just thought it'd be easier for him to get over it if I leave him alone._

 

Jonas: _Isak isn't like that._

_You know that._

_He needs people asking or he won't tell anything_

 

Even: _I know. I'm sorry._

 

Jonas: _He's not going to talk to me or the boys about this._

_He's not eating, Even, I'm worried about him._

 

Even: _I don't know what to do_

_Tell me what to do. I'll do it._

 

Jonas: _Talk to him_

_Please make him talk. He can't do this by himself._

 

Even: _What if that hurts him more?_

_Believe it or not, I did do this for a reason._

 

Jonas: _I'm not saying you have to fuck him._

_Just be his friend. He needs a friend who understands him._

_I don't understand him anymore. Not like you do._

 

Even: _If this is my fault he won't talk to me._

 

Jonas: _He always talks to you. And once he talks to you, he'll talk to me. And Eskild._

_So please._

 

Even: _I'll try._

 

He didn't. He didn't because he was afraid of Isak turning his back on Even again, rejecting him, not wanting him around. He was afraid of Isak continuing to go through it alone, despite Even's offered assistance. He was just—he was scared. Like he always was. He didn't know what he'd do if Isak hated him. The one thing he never wanted was for Isak to hate him.

So he called Eskild on Friday, because he didn't know what else to do. He just wanted to know that Isak was okay. He just wanted confirmation that he was okay, maybe something to conflict what Jonas had told him and what Even himself had thought he'd seen. He wanted Eskild to tell him that Isak was okay, even though he clearly wasn't. He wanted Eskild to tell him that Isak was talking to him and Noora and Linn, that Isak was opening up, that Isak wasn't lying in bed all the time and that Isak was eating and that Isak wasn't holed up with Ripley more than he usually was, because Ripley knew when he didn't feel good and Ripley surrounded him with herself when she knew.

He just wanted to be proven wrong. He wanted the boy he loved to be okay. He didn't want to be the cause of his pain.

Eskild picked up on the third ring and said, “Even,” in a voice Even hadn't heard before. It wasn't cold, per se, because Even wasn't convinced that Eskild had any voice that was cold. But it wasn't the kind banter that he was used to, and all Even's hopes for Isak's wellbeing left him.

“Hi,” he choked out.

“Calling about Isak?” Eskild asked.

Even's heart was beating faster than it ever had before when he asked, “He's not okay, is he?”

“You broke up with him over text?” Eskild asked, and that. That tone was how he knew once and for all that he had messed up. He had hurt Isak in a way he never wanted to, never intended to. This was his fault.

“I just... I just wanted to help him. I didn't want him stuck taking care of me anymore, he deserves better than that.”

“You told him you wanted to find someone else,” Eskild said.

Even closed his eyes. “I didn't want to tell him the truth. I didn't think he'd listen.”

“You should _not_ have told him that,” Eskild said. “That boy has been left by _everyone,_ Even, his whole life, and he is always told that _he's_ the reason. What were you thinking?”

“There's no way that we could be together forever,” Even tried weakly. “I thought it'd hurt less now than it would in years.”

“I don't care that you two have stopped fucking, Even, that's not the problem!” Eskild's voice was high pitched and Even realized anger, yes, but it was more worry than anything else. Eskild wasn't malicious, he didn't get angry any more than the amount it took to explain something calmly to someone who'd gotten it wrong. And Even had gotten it wrong, and his mistake was hurting someone that Eskild loved deeply. “There are a million other ways you could have talked this through and ended the casual sex without implying that you were _leaving_ so that you could find someone else.”

“I'm sorry,” Even said. Because he was. His voice was defeated and weak and forsaken. He was sorry, so sorry. Isak's pain was never something that he'd want. No matter what, Even would do anything to keep Isak from pain. “It's not him, it's never been him, I just want him to have someone better than me. I'm not good for him. I love him but I'm not good for him. I had to do it over the phone, Eskild, I wouldn't have been able to look at him and tell him, and I had to tell him while I had the strength to. I love him. I just want him to be happy.”

Eskild's voice was noticeably softer when he said, “Baby. This hasn't made him happy. Isak thinks that he's made to be left, Isak can't handle someone leaving him because he thinks that it's abandonment and he thinks that it's his fault. Okay? Do you understand? I don't want to be mad at you, Even, I know you're hurting, too. I know you love him. I know that. I just.... You should have sat down with him. You should have talked about it. You should have told him that you want him in your life, but it's the physical relationship that needs to stop. Because, baby, he's not okay. He won't say it but he thinks that you don't want him anymore. He thinks that he's done something wrong. It's the way his mind works, okay, his parents left a number on him and that _man_ blamed him for everything, so he can't handle the idea that someone has left him for his own benefit.”

“I never meant to leave him.”

“You haven't spoken to him.”

“I wanted to give him space. I know it's stupid. I know him so well, I should have known that this was bad. Maybe I did, I don't know. I just... I wanted to be friends, like we always were. That's never something I wanted to give up, but I know our relationship got too complicated with the sex and _that's_ what I wanted to end. Nothing else. I should have told him that. I should have let him know.”

“It's not too late.”

“Is he... okay?”

“He's losing weight again. He's missing school. When he's home he's in his room, and that cat won't leave his side. That's how we know it's bad, when the kitten's with him all the time. Because he won't talk to us.”

Even wanted to shatter. He deserved it. He'd hurt the most wonderful boy in the world, just like so many others had.

“I don't blame you, Even,” Eskild said after a moment. “I know that you didn't mean to hurt him like this. I know. You just made a mistake. No one else will blame you, either, okay, but just.... Isak will talk to you. And he needs to talk to someone.”

Even spent thirty minutes composing a text once he'd hung up with Eskild. He felt like shit and he wanted to curl up in his covers and never come out. The guilt hung heavy and his head was spinning and he didn't know what the fuck to _say_ to this boy that he loved and this boy that he'd hurt and this boy who would never blame Even as much as he blamed himself. Isak always blamed himself.

**< 3 Isak <3**

Even: _Hi bby_

 

Isak: _Hi Even_

 

Even: _How are you?_

 

Isak: _I'm okay_

 

Even: _I need to talk to you._

_Is that okay?_

 

Isak: _Why do we need to talk?_

 

Even: _It's nothing bad._

 

Isak: _What is it, then?_

 

Even: _I want to apologize._

_Face to face. Like I didn't before._

_I want to explain myself. Can I do that?_

 

Isak: _I understand Even._

 

Even: _Baby I don't think you do._

 

Isak: _I do. I understand._

 

Even: _People are worried about you._

_I'm worried about you too._

 

Isak: _I'm fine._

 

Even: _Isak please._

 

Isak: _Don't feel guilty Even._

_I'm okay._

_We have to end this to move on. That's what you said._

 

Even: _Just the sex. Not the friendship._

_I can't not be friends with you._

_Baby please text me back._

_I'm so scared for you. I just want you safe. Safe and happy. It's all I've ever wanted. You know that._

 

Isak: _Okay._

_Tomorrow._

 

Even: _Tomorrow?_

 

Isak: _Tomorrow._

 

Even: _Thank you._

_Please eat something._

_Please._

_Isak?_

 

Isak: _Ok_

 

Even: _Promise?_

 

Isak: _I promise._

 

Even: _Get some sleep. I love you._

 

Isak: _Even_

_You can't say that to me and expect me to be okay._

 

Even: _I'm sorry. Fuck. It's habit._

 

Isak: _Why would you leave me if you love me?_

 

Even: _To protect you._

 

Isak: _I can protect myself. I can make my own decisions._

 

Even: _I didn't know what else to do. I never meant to leave you. I could never be without you._

 

Isak: _I love you still. I'm scared I always will, even when you stop._

_I'm not made for people to love, Even. You're it._

 

Even: _Don't say that. You're everything._

_I just want to give you the chance to love someone else._

_Love someone better._

 

Isak: _There's no one better for me than you._

 

Even: _You can't know that. You deserve someone else baby. I can't be who you need._

 

Isak: _You already are. I thought about it and you already are._

_I don't care if we won't end up together. I don't care if you'll leave me._

_I just want to be with you while I still can. Even as friends and even if you don't love me._

 

Even: _I want to be your friend._

_I do love you. Please don't doubt that._

_None of this was your fault. Not anything._

_I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?_

 

Isak: _I miss you._

 

Even: _I miss you too bby_

_So fucking much._

 

Isak: _Tomorrow._

 

Even: _I swear._

  
.

It was hard to show up at the door of the collective. It was what he wanted and what he dreaded and he was scared. Scared of what he'd find, how Isak would look and act and be. Scared of how he'd be received and what he and Isak would decide.

But he missed Isak. He missed him more than he thought possible, and it made sense, because before they were whatever sort of almost-boyfriends that they were, they were inseparable friends. Of course, Even had been half in love with Isak for the entire time they'd known each other, and that had complicated things even back then.

Noora answered the door and managed a smile and Even guessed that she probably didn't know that Even was the cause for her roommate's distress.

“Even,” she said, drying her hands on a dishtowel. “Here for Isak?”

“Yeah,” he answered. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and bit his lip, hood pulled over his head. “How is he?”

“He's having a bit of a rough time,” Noora said, leaning on the doorframe. “He's not eating very much and the kitten's been with him a lot. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, though, I'm glad you're feeling better.”

Okay, so it was obvious that Noora didn't know. Because the roommates would be eating him alive if they knew that he was the reason Isak was slipping, not welcoming him.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Even,” greeted Eskild from behind Noora, entering into his line of sight. The cheeriness was forced and Noora noticed but didn't comment as she stepped aside to let Even in. “Can I talk to you for a minute, handsome?” Eskild asked, motioning towards the hallway. Even followed him, feeling like a child about to be scolded.

“Hi,” Even said. He was so fucking tired. He _knew_ he messed up, he didn't need people reminding him of it all the time. It wouldn't help and he was stressed out and he was so afraid of rapid cycling that it probably only made the danger higher. Yes, Isak was hurting. But Even was, too.

“I wanted to apologize,” Eskild said, and Even blinked at him. “I shouldn't have blamed you. It's not your fault that Isak's slipped, he forgot to take his pills and that's what made this harder for him. If he'd been taking his meds he would have been.... He would've talked to you, and you two would've figured it out. I know that you're both not in very good places right now, and it was wrong for me to pin it all on you. So I'm sorry. I know you're hurting, too, and I know you were sick, and I know listening to me didn't make it better.”

“You were worried,” Even said, voice hoarse. His cleared it and tried to make it sound stronger, but it didn't. “I feel like it's my fault, too.”

“It's not your fault,” Eskild said. “I actually think it was really responsible, what you were trying to do, it was just the execution that was off. I respect that you wanted to save yourselves from each other before it's too late. And I know you want to stay friends and you don't want to hurt each other, I never doubted that. I just... I saw Isak, and it was hard to not blame you. But I don't.”

“Thank you,” Even said quietly, eyes on the shoes he hadn't taken off yet. He slipped out of them and pushed them closer to the wall with his socked feet. “The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. I just... wanted to give him the opportunity to love someone better. We couldn't just say we aren't good for each other and then... not do anything about it. We had to move forward or we had to move back and we've just gone so _long_ without moving forward that I... I made the choice for us. I'm sorry I hurt him. I love him, too.”

Eskild just smiled at him. “Go ahead and see him, baby. Hold on.” He disappeared through the doorway to his right and retrieved a bottle of painkillers from the bathroom. “Will you bring him these? He gets headaches when he doesn't sleep.”

Even was suddenly struck with the fact that he was about to see Isak, on invitation, when Isak was depressed, and he'd never done that before. The few times he'd showed up during a “bad time,” as the collective called it, he was sent away immediately, and he hadn't fought it. So he didn't know what to expect, because Isak didn't explain it to him. But Eskild knew, and Noora knew, and Linn knew, and Even was glad at least for that. That Isak had people who cared even though he thought he couldn't be loved. He was loved. He was so loved.

He gripped the bottle in his hand and made his way to Isak's door. His dad had asked him to stay home to watch Alex and had been frustrated when Even said that he was going over to Isak's instead.

He wasn't stupid. He knew his dad knew about him and Isak, because his dad wasn't stupid, either, and you'd have to be stupid to not see it. And his dad liked Isak just fine, he'd loved Isak when he and Even first met, he'd approved of Isak wholeheartedly. But once he caught wind of this almost-relationship, he stiffened only ever so slightly towards the boy, and Even knew why. Because while his father wasn't hateful or unkind, his father saw Even's sexuality as a cause of surplus turmoil, and he saw the boy on the receiving end of his son's affections as some kind of misplaced enabler of his sexuality.

And it _had_ been hard, of course it had, just like everything else was. It was a reason why he almost died a year ago. But Isak made it easier. Isak couldn't fix everything, couldn't make his bipolar go away and couldn't fix his family life, but he could help him accept himself for this, at least.

He knocked on the door and pushed it open with the small, “Come in,” on the other side.

Isak was laying in bed with his back to the door, hair greasy and covers pulled over his shoulders and up to his neck.

“Hi, Isak,” Even said quietly, shutting the door behind him. “Can I sit with you?”

Isak rolled over to look at him, Ripley in his arms and purring on his chest. “I can't be rejected by you, Even,” he said softly, eyes cast down. “Not right now.”

“I'm not going to reject you,” Even said, moving closer, heart breaking. He knew what this depression was like. Everything seemed hopeless. “Never. I never meant to, either, I just... I wanted us to stop the sex so that we can get past it. As friends. I want to be your friend, Isak, I love being your friend.”

Isak watched him for a moment. “I love being your friend, too.”

“It's all I want.”

“Can we talk some other time?” Isak asked, eyes drifting closed. “Can you get in bed with me? I have a headache, I can't sleep.” He pulled Ripley closer to his chest and pressed his nose into her fur. “I just want to go to sleep.”

Even took off his jackets and slipped into bed beside Isak, unsure of whether or not he was allowed to touch, either by his rules or Isak's.

“Spoon me,” Isak said in exhaustion, and it wasn't a request nor a demand, but something that Isak knew Even would comply to. And Even did, because he wanted to and because Isak asked him to and because he couldn't imagine not doing it. That probably didn't bode well for a future where they were just friends, but right now it didn't matter.

He held Isak and he stayed awake until Isak fell asleep, and then he drifted off with him.

  
.

“I can't keep blaming myself every time someone leaves me, Even,” Isak said, head on Even's chest and the kitten wedged between them, awake from a long nap and waiting for something to happen. Now it was, and Even didn't want it to. “How could you say that to me over text? And then... come back and love me and tell me you care? What am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to think?”

Even rubbed his palm down the expanse of Isak's back and didn't know what to say. “I just wanted to give you the chance,” he finally said. “We needed to do _something_ , Isak, because that wasn't going to last.”

“We should've talked about it.”

“I couldn't say it to your face.”

“I stayed with you all week,” Isak said, voice breaking. They weren't looking at each other, Isak's head was tucked under Even's chin and it was impossible to make eye contact. “What about that week made you think we were bad for each other?”

“I've always thought we were bad for each other,” Even said softly. “That week just.... I was so afraid of this happening. I knew you would stay, but I shouldn't've asked, and that's my fault. When I texted you I was afraid that any more time with me would make you start to spiral. And it did.”

“Fuck you,” Isak said, voice more hurt than anger. “I wasn't like this until you left me without any explanation. I'm tired of people leaving me, Even.”

“I didn't mean to leave you.”

“You keep saying that. And maybe you didn't mean to, but you still did it. I didn't hear from you for two weeks, what the fuck was I supposed to think?”

“It was just... I thought you wanted space.”

“And I thought you knew me at all.”

 _That_ hurt. “Look at yourself, Isak, this is because of me. I'm not good for you.”

“This is because of _me_ , Even,” Isak said, pushing himself up and looking down at him. “ _I_ stopped taking my pills, okay, and _I_ stopped going to my appointments. This wasn't because of your bipolar or your family or _anything_ but you telling me we had to stop and then not saying anything else. I thought you were abandoning me, Even, you're the most important thing in my life, you're such a big part of it—of course I'm going to be upset by that. I don't know what else you'd expect. I'm not like this because we can't have sex anymore, I could give a fuck about the sex. I'm like this because I thought you were out of my life and I thought I did something wrong to deserve it. And I didn't. I'm tired of thinking I did.”

“Of course you didn't,” Even said, sitting up with him. “I'm so sorry, Isak. I'm so sorry.”

“I want to be your friend,” Isak said quietly. “If that's all we can be, then it's what I want to be.”

“I want that, too,” Even said. When Isak leaned into him, Even hugged him tight.

“I'll try to stop loving you,” Isak said into his neck. “If that's what you want.”

It wasn't what he wanted, what he wanted was to take his hand and make them official and parade him around as his boyfriend for as long as it lasted. But it wouldn't last, now more than ever. “I'll try, too,” Even said. “But I don't think I ever will, not completely.”

“Me neither,” Isak admitted quietly, and it was something they needed to address, something that hung heavy in the air, but something they ignored again, like they had before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ableist language (self-hate), depression, mentions of disordered eating


	5. isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey bbys <3 this chapter was really hard for me to write for some reason, but here it is :)  
> thank you for all your kudos and comments, and for still reading even though the show is over :) everyone who reblogs the links on tumblr is so nice <3  
> i love hearing from all of you, in comments or asks on tumblr, so thank you!  
> warnings in the end notes :)

CHAPTER 5

ISAK

 

.

He didn't feel so bad anymore, not really. His meds were starting to make his mind less foggy again but the physical toll of what he'd been through was enough to keep him in bed for longer than he normally would have. He'd started taking his pills again after leaving Even's house that first week, but was only remembering to take them regularly when Eskild, a week later, started doling them out to him in the mornings as he ate Noora's pancakes. And with Even back.... There were things they needed to talk about, sure, but at least he knew now that he hadn't done anything wrong and he still had him in his life, and that removed a giant stressor, took some weight off his shoulders. Things weren't perfect between them, there was still underlying tension and a bit of fear, but they were going to talk, they were. They had plans to and everything, but Isak just wanted to get back to himself first. He'd wanted to be in a place where he could say what he felt without fearing repercussions, where he was more confident in his opinions and strong enough to stand up for them.

Now he just needed to gain back his strength. He was trying to eat—trying really hard, making sure Noora saw him so that she could tell him he needed more, making sure it was all healthy and nutritious and what he needed. Healthy food was supposed to help clear the mind, but so were a million homemade remedies that hadn't. Still, this was something he needed regardless of its supposed benefits for those with mental illness, it was something he needed to gain the weight back on that he'd lost in a few weeks, and something he needed to make sure he had the strength to heal.

Noora was on his ass and Eskild was a bit suffocating but no one was as blunt as Linn, who stood in front of Isak at the kitchen table physically forcing one more bite of toast into his mouth.

“Eat,” she said, jabbing the crust at him.

“I don't want the crust,” Isak said. “I'll eat something else.”

“The crust is more nutritious,” Linn said.

“The crust is made out of the same things that the rest of the bread is made out of,” Isak answered, and Linn knew this, of course she did, but she still stared challengingly at him with the crust held in front of his lips until Isak relented and took another bite. She smiled, setting the rest of the crust down and dusting her hands off on one another, the crumbs falling to the table.

Isak pet the kitten in his lap and looked at the digital clock on the microwave. Even was coming soon and they were going to talk, and he was exhausted because he felt like it was all they'd been doing but they weren't getting anywhere. Even though the sex had ended, nothing else that should have had. They still kissed before Even left, they kissed when Even got back. They cuddled and spooned, they slept in the same bed and woke up together like they always had, and they said _I love you_ as if nothing had changed.

So they had to talk. Because just getting rid of the sex wasn't enough, and they knew that. If they still acted like a couple, if they kept pretending that removing intimate physicality of only the sexual nature was going to fix things, they were wrong. They loved each other, it was clear, and to stay friends after that a lot more needed to be done than just stopping one part of the romantic relationship without stopping the others.

Isak knew they were never dating, but this felt a lot like a breakup.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Linn called from the living room, and when he looked over the counter at her she was already in a cocoon of throw blankets on the couch.

“I can't,” Isak said. “Even's coming over.”

“Even's always over,” Linn said, eyes fixed on the television as she flipped through channels.

“Yeah, we're trying to figure our shit out,” Isak said.

“Don't let him stress you, kid,” Linn said. “Boys aren't worth it.”

Isak smiled a bit. “Thanks, Linn.”

“So what are you two now?” she asked, twisting around so she was looking at him without having to really change positions on the couch. “Friends without benefits?”

“Yeah, we're trying to get there,” Isak said. “Right now we're kind of... boyfriends without benefits? Like... acting like we're dating but not getting to do any of the fun sex stuff?”

She made a noise to convey her understanding and looked back at the TV. “Sounds complicated. And there goes your steady supply of dick.”

“I know,” Isak said, moving to put his dishes in the sink, Ripley padding at his heels as he poured another glass of orange juice. It was Tuesday; he wanted to try going back to school tomorrow but he wasn't sure if he'd be able to. He still felt exhausted after an hour of doing anything but lie in bed. He was at least sleeping better, now, with Even in bed with him again. Another thing they needed to talk about.

The door opened and Eskild walked in with a smile when he saw Isak, toeing off his shoes. “Hi, my little prince, how are you feeling today?”

“I'm okay,” Isak said, leaning back against the counter to watch him complete his typical after work routine. His keys clattered on the kitchen table like they always did and Linn made a disapproving noise like she always did. “Linn just force fed me the burnt crust of my toast.”

“Well good for Linn,” Eskild said, walking past him and pinching his cheek on his way to the fridge. “You have to eat. Get your strength back.”

“I know I have to eat, and I _have_ been eating, but I shouldn't have to eat burnt toast just because it's there.”

“It wasn't even that burnt,” Linn said.

“I wasn't talking to you, Linn,” Isak replied dryly.

“He's grumpy when he hasn't been fucked,” Linn said, and Eskild smiled, kissing his cheek as he passed him again.

“We'll go out when you're feeling better and find you a hookup, baby gay,” he said, tousling his hair.

Isak didn't necessarily _want_ a hookup, was the thing. And he knew that now, since he didn't have Even in that way anymore, he was supposed to want it more and be willing to take it. But it felt more wrong now than it had when he and Even were still sleeping together. If he wasn't having sex with Even, he wasn't sure if he wanted to have sex with anyone. Not yet, not so soon. Not when Isak didn't even get a last time with Even, a knowing last time, the closure-filled breakup sex that they needed.

It was fucked up logic that he couldn't explain, but he still smiled and nodded at Eskild's offer.

There was a knock at the collective door and Isak made a break for it before Eskild could. The strict-dad act was something Isak would really like to avoid subjecting Even to today.

“Hi,” he said when the door was opened and Even was standing in front of him.

“Hi,” Even answered with a smile. “Feeling okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak said, grabbing a handful of his shirt to pull him inside. “You?”

Even took his hand. “Yeah.”

Eskild gave them a look as they passed—with their fingers intertwined as they headed towards Isak's room they looked far from innocent—but Isak just rolled his eyes and shut his door, sitting on his bed to watch Even drop his backpack on the floor.

“So we're talking,” Even said determinedly, with a firm nod of his head, standing inexplicably in the middle of Isak's bedroom.

“Come sit down,” Isak said, moving aside and watching Even glance nervously at the space made for him. He rolled his eyes. “Even, nothing's gonna change. We'll still be friends by the end of this talk, I promise. Just come sit with me, okay?”

“I know we say _now_ that it's not gonna change, but what if it changes without us knowing? What if we're only meant to be together if we're sleeping together, what if a friendship won't work?” If there was anyone Isak knew better than he knew himself, it was Even. He was talking fast, nervous, looking around the room instead of at the person he was addressing. He was just scared. And Isak got it, because he was scared, too.

“Even,” Isak said with a soft smile. Even ran a hand through his hair and looked at him. “We were friends first, okay? We were really good at being friends. I think we can do it again.”

“Really?” Even asked, still looking at the bed in alarm, as if it was some kind of trap. Isak bent at the waist to pull Ripley into his lap and tilted his head pointedly to the side, until Even sighed and took his seat.

“It's gonna be real simple,” Isak said, turning a bit to be facing him more directly. “Just... rules. We just need rules.”

“Okay,” Even said, tapping his fingers on his thigh. “Okay, I can follow rules.”

“They're just to make sure we stay friends,” Isak said, “and do things that friends do, and nothing more than that. Because we have a really hard time with this... touchy-feely crap.”

“Okay,” Even repeated.

“So we already crossed sex off the list,” Isak said, scratching behind Ripley's ears. She was making this easier for him, but honestly, anyone sitting next to Even in this moment would look calm and collected, because Even looked like a wreck. “Baby, calm down,” Isak said. He laid a hand on Even's forearm and Even stilled. “Look at me.”

Even did, slowly turning his head to make fleeting eye contact that he couldn't hold. His face was open. He looked ready to be hurt.

“This is just for right now, okay?” Isak said. Ripley clambered off of Isak's lap to climb into Even's. “We're gonna make these rules, we're gonna see how everything goes, and then if it doesn't work, we'll figure something else out. It's chill, Even. It's totally chill.”

“Totally chill,” Even repeated.

“Totally chill,” Isak said with a smile. Even lifted his gaze and smiled back.

“Okay,” he said, a hand falling to stroke the kitten's fur. “Okay, rules. Let's make some rules.”

“Let's make some rules,” Isak encouraged, nodding his head. “So, we've got the no-sex part down. It's been a month without sex.” They high-fived, even though a week of their chastity was because Even was in a depressive episode and two weeks were because they hadn't seen each other for even a second. “Now we just need to get rid of all the other little things we do that make getting over each other hard.”

“Okay,” Even said. He was saying the word too much but Isak didn't point it out.

“So... no more kissing,” Isak said. Even nodded. “No more cuddling and pet names and stuff, right?”

Even looked pained as he said, “Right.”

“And... and no more sleeping in the same bed,” Isak said, although, _shit,_ that was going to hurt.

“And no more saying _I love you,_ ” Even said quietly, knocking Isak off guard. But... but of course they shouldn't say it, he knew that, he knew it wasn't what friends said to each other, not in the same way the two of them meant it. Still. It hurt. It hurt really bad.

He didn't think he'd ever stop loving Even. He truly didn't. He wasn't capable of a lot, but he loved deeply. He loved consumingly. And Even was everything he wanted, even if Even didn't want him.

“Okay,” Isak said, just as quietly.

And that was it. This felt like the end, it felt like they'd finally done something that meant closure. And he felt emptier than he had in a long time. He'd just lost another part of his life, another relationship, and while he still had Even the man and Even the friend, he would miss Even the lover and Even the partner. He feared he'd never stop.

Isak hugged him tight, he hugged him with everything he had as they stood at the front door later that night. “I'll miss you,” he whispered.

“I'll see you tomorrow,” Even said, but they both knew that wasn't what he'd meant, and they let this knowledge crowd the space around them as they stood in silence, unwilling to let go. “You know,” Even said, still holding him around the waist, their faces tucked into each others' shoulders so they didn't have to look at each other. Isak was two words away from crying. “Psychologists say that if you can be friends with your ex, you either still love them, or you never did.”

 _Then I guess I'll fucking love you forever,_ Isak thought, the first tear breaking free as Even kissed his cheek and left without another word.

  
.

Even had this annoying habit of turning the television to any channel, finding a movie halfway over, and then watching it without understanding the previous plot. It pissed Isak off, because for all the shit Even gave him about the stuff he watched, he was forced to sit through half a Zach Galifianakis movie at any given time, just because it was on. It was one of his most annoying traits, but Isak put up with it.

They'd given each other a bit of time apart since they made the rules and finalized the separation and everything. They talked at school and texted but there were a few consecutive days where Even started working again and Isak started catching up on his homework, and those days coincided with the days after they broke up for good, and so the time apart was welcome. Isak had cried all night after Even left, because even though they'd been talking about it for days, actually doing it still came as a shock to his system.

And they were doing well, they were careful not to slip up. There wasn't a single _baby_ or _honey_ or _love you_ , there weren't any kisses or hugs or hand holdings. They were following their rules and it hurt like hell, just like Isak knew it would.

But at least he still had Even in some way.

They were sitting on Even's couch watching something that Even had found while channel surfing, but it felt weird. It'd been a long time since they sat this way, next to each other but not touching, paying more attention to the film than each other. It was okay there. It wasn't necessarily as hard as he thought.

It was just... little things that he was forced to remember. Consciously thinking, _I can't hold his hand right now_ , was a new experience and something he'd never had to do before. Touching Even was second nature, and he'd never wanted to touch anyone else like that.

“I hate this,” Isak said to the TV screen.

“You haven't watched enough of it to hate it,” Even said.

“Yes I have,” Isak whined. “Come on, Even, go back to _Bigfoot Hunters,_ I want to watch that instead.”

“I have no desire to watch _Bigfoot Hunters_ ,” Even said.

“Well, I have no desire to watch this, so I guess we're at an impasse.”

Even looked at him with a smile and Isak felt his resolve slipping. This is how Even always got his goddamn way.

“No,” Isak said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Fine,” Even answered, sighing desperately and changing the channel slowly back down to _Bigfoot Hunters._ “The things I do for you.”

And the thing was, even when Even was still right there, even when they still saw each other every day, Isak missed him. He missed touching him and kissing him and telling him he loved him. He missed the way they used to do things.

Isak had loved him for a long, long time. It hurt, to pretend like he didn't anymore, when they both knew he did.

He leaned back and watched Even's profile. “Even?”

Even turned to look at him, and he smiled. “Yeah?” he asked, leaning back against the cushions with him.

Isak felt like crying, he felt heartbroken and scared, he felt like out of everything that'd happened to him, this was one of the hardest. Even's smile fell when he got a good look, and he moved closer, as close as he could before stopping himself from reaching out. Isak fought down the feelings enough to say, “This is really hard.”

Even stroked his cheek with the back of his fingers, but pulled away quickly as soon as he realized he shouldn't. “I'm sorry,” he said, pulling his hands back to himself. “I'm sorry, Isak, I wanted it to be easier but it... it's so hard, I knew it'd be hard but I didn't know it'd be this hard.”

“I want to give up,” Isak said, looking up at him. “Every fucking day, I want to give up.”

Even touched him, then, put his arm around Isak's shoulders and drew him into his side, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Someday we'll be glad we did it,” he said softly.

“I'll have to stop loving you first,” Isak said.

“You will. It's easy.”

“Don't say that.”

Even kissed his temple. “I'm only kidding. One day you'll stop, Isak. One day... I'll stop, too, and this'll be in the past. I promise it gets better. I promise it will.”

He didn't want Even to stop loving him. It hurt everything inside him to think about it happening, because he knew that it'd take something drastic and unwanted for him to stop loving Even.

They still had things to work through, but Isak had spent the past weeks realizing how far he'd come from the year before. With the help of Even, yes, and the help of Eskild and Jonas and all of his friends, too—but mostly himself. The choices he made after Jan, everything he did, was to heal. He worked hard for it, he put everything he had into it. When he didn't think he could eat one more bite, he made himself. When he felt like couldn't possibly get out of bed, he set his feet on the floor and stood. And he was hoping that on the other side of it, after crossing every obstacle set on breaking him—he was supposed to be rewarded with the relationship he'd built and hoped for.

Now he was almost there, he was almost okay, as okay as he would ever be again—

But they'd missed their chance, and it was over. They couldn't hold on long enough, and he wasn't going to force Even to stay if he was ready to leave.

The door burst open without so much as a knock and the boys sprang apart, Isak shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes to staunch the tears that hadn't flowed as Alex sprang onto the couch beside him. Isak smiled. “Hey, buddy.”

“Hi, Isak,” Alex said. Isak spread his palm over the top of Alex's head and smiled sadly at Even, who smiled sadly back before turning to his brother.

“You should knock, Alex,” he said. “What do you need?”

Alex was clearly oblivious to the tension in the room as he said, “Do we have ice cream?” while leaning heavily on Isak's side and across his lap to be closer to Even.

“Did Dad say you can have ice cream?” Even asked.

“He didn't say I _couldn't_ have ice cream.”

Isak laughed, tousling his hair, and lifted his eyes to Even's as he tried to school his smile into something less accommodating. “Go ask Dad and leave us alone, Alex.”

“Why?” Alex asked.

Even rolled his eyes and Isak grinned. “Because we want to be alone.”

“Ew, gross, you want to kiss, and stuff,” Alex said, pushing himself off the couch, and Isak blushed as if they hadn't kissed every day of their lives for the past year.

When they were alone they could do little more than look at each other in reemerging sadness.

“I miss you,” Isak said finally. “I knew I would.”

That night he laid with Ripley and read through the one-sided string of texts to his parents, each and every one of them unanswered for two years. The numbers had almost certainly changed in the time, but Isak still started typing.

_I still wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you loved me at all. It was all too easy for you to leave, and it shouldn't be that way._

  
.

“I don't know, man, it's hard,” Isak said. “And it's not just... refraining from sex, you know, like, yeah, I'm horny, but I can live without it. I just miss the way we used to be.”

“I have a meme for that,” Jonas said, pulling his phone from his pocket as they walked through the schoolyard. “Continue, go ahead.”

Isak watched him mess around on the screen for a moment before looking back at where they were going. “You're no help.”

“I'm trying to lift your mood!” Jonas said in offense, still looking down at his phone as they walked. “Just... don't you think this is a good idea, Issy? Like, you always said how you were just friends and stuff, and now you really are. No complications.”

“Well I'm still fucking in love with him, and that complicates things,” Isak said.

“Fucking love,” Jonas said, shaking his head. “It fucks everything up.”

“Fucking love,” Isak agreed, kicking a rock across the courtyard. “Stupid and dumb, I hate it. Why'd I have to love him, what the fuck, we were perfectly good as friends.”

“You were really flirty friends,” Jonas said, looking up for a second before continuing to scroll through something on his phone screen. “And you kissed him like two months after you met, remember? At Christmas, first year?”

“Shit, yeah, I did.”

“But you were too hung up on that fucking dickwad to make a move.”

“I remember, Jonas, thanks.”

Jonas gave him an apologetic smile through the hair in his face. “Sorry, man, that was a dick move.” He finally finished whatever he was doing and put his phone away. “I just want you to be happy, Isak. You're my best bro, okay, I don't want you to be hurt, I never wanted you to ever get hurt, but don't you think it hurts less now than it would when you fall even deeper for him?”

“That's what he said, too.” He didn't mention that it was probably impossible to fall deeper for Even than he already had.

He pulled his buzzing phone out as they approached the bench with Magnus and Mahdi.

**JoBro**

JoBro:

 

 

Isak: _I literally hate you_

 

JoBro:

 

Isak looked at him, tucking his phone away. “Thanks, this has been an illuminating conversation.”

“Don't you think Isak needs to lighten up?” Jonas asked, sitting on the edge of the bench.

“I do not,” Isak said, sitting down next to Mahdi.

“He's not getting dick, I'd be uptight, too, without sex,” Mahdi said.

“Magnus never gets laid but he's not this unpleasant to be around,” Jonas said.

“Fuck you guys,” Magnus said with furrowed brows.

“I'm... mourning, okay, I miss him,” Isak said.

Jonas rubbed his back and tipped their heads together. “I know, man. And we're here for you. It just sucks to see you so sad.”

Isak nodded, rubbing his hands together and trying not to think too hard. “It sucks to be so sad.”

Mahdi and Magnus patted him on the back and Isak knew they couldn't understand the extent of his pain because they never understood the extent of the relationship itself. The only person who could understand was Even, and he couldn't keep burdening Even with all his grief.

So he'd get through this. He was used to getting through things much worse—he could survive this, too.

  
.

Isak didn't like the idea of therapy, even now. Even after almost four months of it, even with a wonderful doctor, even with how much it helped. Talking about his problems was never something he was especially good at.

“Let's get to the big issue, Isak.”

He looked at the doctor and smiled, shaking some hair from his eyes and leaning back in the chair. “You think I have a big issue, Lilly?”

“Very few people know you as well I do, honey,” she said with a wink, clicking her pen open and closed.

“The big issue,” Isak repeated. “Okay, well, the big issue is that I broke up with someone I wasn't even dating.”

Lilly crossed her legs and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, leaning over her legal pad that was filled with some scratched cursive about his adjustment to medication and his last depressive episode, everything they'd already talked about taking up half the page.

“Even?” she asked, because she knew, and Isak nodded. “What happened there?”

“Um, after I left him, when he was depressed, he texted me saying we should end things and I thought he didn't want to see me again, even as a friend.” He twisted his hands together and watched Lilly bite lightly at the end of her pen, waiting for him to continue. He cast his eyes down instead of meeting her gaze. “And he came over and we talked and stuff, and I was really proud of myself because... because I told him I wouldn't be blamed like that, and I was tired of hating myself, and we.... We're not really seeing each other anymore. Not like we used to.”

“First of all,” Lilly said when he paused, “I'm proud of you, too. Standing up for yourself, and talking about things—you've struggled with that in the past, I know, and you've been working so hard. I'm very happy that you could do it, after everything you've been through. I'm really proud of you, and I glad that you are, too.”

Isak smiled, feeling the pride fan a little and spread. It always helped when his perceived progress was validated. He was so full of self-doubt that even things personal to himself needed a second opinion. But he was working on that, like he was working on everything.

“Tell me more,” Lilly said. “What happened after you talked? What did you decide?”

“We're gonna stop having sex,” Isak said. “Or, we've stopped having sex. It's been like two weeks since we talked and ended things—everything but our friendship, really. We used to.... We were never dating, we never... defined it, and we both slept with other people, but we acted like a couple, and so we just, you know, stopped.”

“How have you been coping?” Lilly asked.

“It's tough,” Isak said. He was getting better about opening up but it still wasn't one of his strengths. “I mean, at least I don't feel... abandoned, or anything, I'm more just—it's just like breaking up with someone, really, someone you still love and someone you saw yourself with someday.”

“Did you see yourself with Even?”

“I don't know,” Isak said, shifting in his chair, sinking back into the leather. “I don't know, I mean... maybe not realistically, maybe more like, in theory we could each get our shit together and be together, but it was more like a dream, really. We had decided that this relationship wasn't really good for us in the long run, the just sex and nothing else. Not acting on a love like that can really only... damage you in time, I think, and so one day we were always going to end it, because—I mean, in a relationship like that, you either have to move forward or you have to move back, and we spent way too long not moving forward, so I guess Even made the decision to move back. And I'm not _mad_ at him, or anything, I want him to do what he thinks will be best for him, I want him to be as happy as possible and I want him to have a future. I just... deep down I always hoped it'd be the two of us, even if I didn't think it would.”

She hummed in understanding and clicked her pen as she waited for him to add to it, as she knew he would.

“I guess I thought that he'd still be waiting, when I figured my stuff out. I hoped he would. And then I'd finally get to have what I wanted, I'd get to have _him_ , and he'd _want_ me, but.” He shrugged, looking down at his lap. “He didn't want to wait, I guess. I didn't really expect him to.”

“Are you sure that's the reason?” Lilly asked, scratching lines in the margin of her notepad and tilting her head in thought as she looked at him. Isak looked back, because, shit, he'd give anything for that not to be the reason. “Maybe Even saw you, and all the progress you're making—and he's just come out of this episode, and he's had a lot lately. Maybe he's not tired of waiting for you, but he doesn't want you to have to wait for him?”

Isak didn't know what to say, because that scenario would break his heart, too.

“You're doing such a great job, Isak, and that can be discouraging when all Even wants is to escape his own mind. I'm sure he's so happy you're getting better, but I'm sure he wishes that he is, too.”

Isak hums in response, looking up at the ceiling and running this theory over in his head.

“Maybe you should try this for a while,” she said. “Try being friends, and see how it goes. See if you like it better than the old arrangement, if you're better when you've moved back instead of forwards. And if not, then you can reevaluate.”

He nodded, turning his gaze back to her.

“Just remember, Isak,” she said, “that healing on your own is important, to an extent. But it doesn't mean you have to do everything by yourself. Talking and asking for help—that's just as important. You and Even should be open about this, you should talk about it, because it's misunderstandings more than anything that make people unhappy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of disordered eating  
> i promise the fic really gets less and less angsty from here on out ;)


	6. even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the kudos and comments! they make me so happy :)   
> sooo i'm not sure how i feel about this chapter because i changed it from its intended plan. but enjoy!  
> warnings in end notes <3

.

“I don't understand why you two don't just date,” Sana told him, bringing her paper cup to her lips and sipping the latte within. Her lipstick stained purple on the brim and Even's eyes watched it for a moment before sitting back in his chair and giving her an unimpressed look. “What?” She kicked him under the table with the toe of her sneakers. “Spill.”

“It's nothing, Sana, I just don't want him to have to wait for me to get better. He's doing well, I don't know, he shouldn't be bogged down by me.”

She tilted her head at him and leveled him with one of her most patented looks. “Even.”

“What?”

“You're exhausting.”

“I'm not debating that.”

“You made this decision _for_ him? That's not yours to make.” She took another sip and waited for this information to sink in with a cocked eyebrow, perfectly sculpted like every other part of her. “How about asking Isak if he thinks he's being bogged down.”

“He would never say yes,” Even said, twisting his cup around in his hands and peeling off the cardboard sleeve around it. “He's too sweet to tell me I'm holding him back.”

“Or he'd say no because he doesn't believe it's true,” Sana said.

“I just want him to get better, Sana.”

“And he _is_ getting better!” Sana said, setting her cup down loudly on the tabletop. “Fuck, Even, you think I haven't seen it? When we started sitting together in biology he was a mess, okay, he was skinny and quiet and nothing like the snarky piece of shit he is now. He's confident. He's getting better and you said it yourself.”

“I know,” Even said. “And I'm proud of him. And I want him to move on, even if it's without me.”

“Shit, don't be so _fucking_ dramatic, man,” she said with an eye roll that reminded him of Isak. “You used to tell me that if you both got better, maybe you could be together. Didn't you?”

“Yes, but--”

“But what? _You're_ not getting better? Because I can assure you that's not true.”

“You don't know that.”

“Yes I do, what the hell? You invited Isak into your life during an episode when you never would before, that's progress. You went to the psychiatrist when you normally wouldn't, and your medication is working and you're sticking with it. When you were first diagnosed you wouldn't have ever done any of that.”

Even furrowed his brows at her. “I'm not as well as Isak is.”

“So what? You think if you were progressing faster than him, you wouldn't help him? Relationships aren't all about individual progress, Even, it's a partnership. Why don't you just talk to him about your fears, and shit? Why not just open up? Because if you're not being together based on miscommunication, that's not a good enough reason.”

And that was true, and he knew that. He didn't want to _not_ be with Isak when he could be with Isak, but he didn't want to be with Isak for a little while if it wouldn't last, either. He needed it to last, and he wasn't sure if it could right now.

But Isak was being honest and Isak was growing and Isak was letting him in, now. Isak had stood up for himself, he was doing a million times better, and he wanted Even to be there for it.

And, fuck, Even _missed_ him. If he had any disillusions that this would be an easy fix, something simple to get over, they weren't there anymore. He was just as heartbroken today as the night he left the collective, and if there was something he could do to be with the boy he still loved and probably always would, then how would he ever forgive himself if he didn't do it? How could _Isak_ forgive him?

If all he had to do was talk about his fears to someone who had never once judged him, if that could give them what they both wanted, then he needed to do it.

It was a few days later when he could actually bring himself to take Sana's advice, when he and Isak were smoking on the windowsill in Isak's bedroom. Eskild, Isak's self-proclaimed protector ever since the moment he found the boy drunk in a bar, was wary of Isak smoking weed like he was wary of Isak doing anything potentially detrimental. He was afraid it'd interfere with his medication or make him paranoid, so Isak could only roll joints when the apartment was empty.

Even spent a long time watching Isak before he actually gained the courage to open his mouth and speak. He watched the hollow of his cheeks as he took a drag in and the smoke passing through his lips on the way out. He remembered the times they'd shotgunned at parties and in bed, the taste of smoke on his tongue. He remembered all the conversations they'd had, stoned and staring at the ceiling, before kissing and falling asleep together.

And he missed all of it. And he missed him.

“Isak?” Even asked, passing the joint to him. Isak pried his eyes away from the window and smiled at him. It made the nerves disappear. “I want to talk to you.”

“Okay,” Isak said. Their knees were pressed together on the windowsill and the touch was like a drug. And Isak's smile was sweet, so sweet. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I know I don't talk about my bipolar very much,” he said, feeling heavy and dazed. He took the joint when it was given to him and took a long pull before continuing. “But you know I don't—have a very good grasp on it, and I don't—I can't accept it very well.”

“Yeah?” Isak said, being careful that their fingers didn't brush when he took the joint again. He was always so careful about keeping his hands to himself, now, when the one thing Even wanted was his touch. “What about it, Even, what's wrong?”

“I just want to tell you everything,” Even said. “I want you to know everything. I don't want... miscommunication to be our downfall, and you've been open to me so I want to be open to you.”

Isak smiled, stubbing the joint out in the mug on the windowsill and setting his fingers on Even's knee. “Thank you. I want that.”

“I still want us to have a chance to try this thing,” Even said, laying his hands over top of Isak's. “I know I said we should... move back, be friends, but.... Do you still think that some day we can be together?”

“I've always thought that,” Isak said, and Even wanted to cry in the shock of his relief. “I just needed time. And now we have time, time apart to grow and become our best. I think it's important.” Isak intertwined their fingers, and it'd been so long since they touched like this, days felt like eternity. “But I'll wait, Even, if you wait, too.”

“Of course I'll wait,” Even said breathlessly. “I'll always wait.”

“And it's not to say that this should end,” Isak said. “I think we should stay apart for a while, be _just friends_. I think it'll help.”

Even nodded and it didn't even hurt his heart to do so, because it was already soaring at the thought that maybe he could still have this. Maybe he hadn't ruined it all.

“But things still need to change,” Isak said. “I need you to talk to me. If you always cut me out when you're feeling weak, we'll never work.”

“I'll talk to you,” Even said. “Shit, Isak, if I can have you, I'll do anything.”

He never thought it was an option before, to actually end up with Isak. He never thought it was something he could have. He thought Isak would leave him before they were good enough for each other to be together, and so he ended it when he had the power to.

“Before my diagnosis,” Even started, looking down at their interlaced fingers, “Sonja and I were great together. We dated for three years, and I loved her.” He squeezed Isak's hands but couldn't bring himself to look into his eyes. “And after the bipolar, everything changed. We weren't the same, our relationship was different. And we fell apart.” He shook his head. “This disorder ruins everything, Isak, my brain ruins everything, and I'm so afraid it'll ruin you, too. I lost all my closest friends because I tried to kill myself, something I wouldn't've done if I wasn't sick.”

There was a pause, and then Isak's hand on his cheek urging his gaze up. “Even,” he said quietly, and the touch and his voice brought him close to tears. His eyes closed at the contact—he lost all self-control when Isak's hands were on him. “Even, the bipolar didn't end those relationships, you did.”

Even opened his eyes and stared at Isak for a second as Isak ran his hand down Even's body to settle back onto his knee. “It's what you do, it's what you've always done. You cut people off before they have a chance to leave you and before you can be rejected. You and Sonja fell apart because you were too defensive, and _yes_ , she was controlling, but instead of talking about it you let it consume you and then you ran away. The boys tried to talk to you after the attempt, Even, and I know that because when they couldn't get through to you they started trying me. You were the one that never talked to them again. Shit, Even, the moment you felt weak you told me we couldn't see each other anymore, that wasn't your bipolar, you even told be explicitly that it wasn't because you were sick.”

And it was true. All of it was completely true.

“You blame your brain for everything, Even, and you can't see how incredible it is. You can't see how creative you are and how loving. You're so _good_ , baby, and you can't see it because you only think of the bad things.” Isak smiled sadly. “We can't be anything if you hate yourself this badly. It kills me to hear you say the things you say, and your mind isn't always to blame. You can make mistakes without running from them. I just want you to talk to me.”

They sat in silence for a long moment, and Even spent it staring down at his fingernails. Isak would wait for him, and that was all that mattered. All that mattered was that he tried.

“Was this a good first step?” Even asked, looking up and meeting his gaze.

Isak smiled in slight surprise, like he hadn't thought he'd be listened to or he hadn't thought he'd be believed. Even was a bit surprised, too. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, this was a good first step.”

  
.

They were still just friends. Just friends with the potential for more, if Even could get his shit together, and that was what they'd always been, really. They'd always been holding themselves back from giving in completely, the only difference now was that the intimate part of their relationship was gone and Even actually had hope instead of dread. He knew that they actually had a chance, now, instead of a deadline.

They weren't getting better at losing their feelings for each other, but they were getting better at showing it less. It became easier for Even to stop touching Isak, it became easier for the pet names to stop rolling off his tongue like second nature. He still _wanted_ , with ever fiber of his being he wanted, but he was reeling it in and keeping it in check.

They still spent an inordinate amount of time together for two people who were just friends. Even had stopped sleeping over, but he'd taken to staying until Isak fell asleep, even if they didn't hold each other anymore.

Every time he looked at Isak, he knew he'd never get over him.

And he was glad now that he didn't have to. Because Isak was giving him a chance, a chance he didn't deserve but a chance nonetheless. And he was going to do everything in his power to take it.

Isak was asleep in his bed with his laptop still playing the movie Even had chosen. Even couldn't make himself leave, yet. Seeing Isak at peace, sleeping like he rarely could, was something Even wanted to drink in. Being apart was hard; Isak was telling him how he was doing, and he was telling the truth, but they'd spent so much time lying to each other and kept out of the loop that seeing it as confirmation was still reassuring.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his hoodie pocket, tearing his eyes from Isak's face.

He had almost forgotten that other people existed, that it wasn't always just Isak and Even, so when he saw the name of a girl he used to hook up with, a simple _you up?_ text, he was thrown back in time to a period when he could bear being with anyone but the boy he loved. Now, the thought was ridiculous. If they were going to be together eventually, they were going to do it right. Neither of them were sleeping with other people; Even didn't want to if there was a chance for a real relationship, an exclusive, intimate, romantic relationship like they'd avoided before.

He didn't send her anything back and opened his conversation with his dad instead.

**Dad**

Dad: _When are you getting home?_

 

Even: _I can leave soon._

 

Dad: _Why are you spending so much time at Isak's place?_

_Are you two dating?_

 

Even: _No._

 

Dad: _You can tell me. I'm not upset._

_I'm a cool dad._

 

Even: _We're not dating. We never were._

_You keep asking._

 

Dad: _It's hard to believe you're just friends._

 

Even: _It's complicated._

 

Dad: _I hope you're being safe_

 

Even: _Ew_

 

Dad: _That's not what I meant._

 

Even: _Then what'd you mean?_

 

Dad: _I just don't want you to get hurt._

 

Even: _Isak's the last person in the world who'd hurt me._

 

Dad: _I know. I like Isak. I know he loves you._

 

Even: _Does it bother you?_

 

Dad: _It could never bother me that someone loves you Even._

 

Even: _Even if it's a boy?_

 

Dad: _Of course not._

 

Even: _You've been treating him differently._

 

Dad: _No one wants to like the person their kid's dating._

 

Even: _We're not even dating._

 

Dad: _If you're going to date anyone, Isak is a good choice._

_Do you like him?_

 

Even: _This is so weird._

 

Dad: _We can't talk about it?_

 

Even: _Yes I like him_

 

Dad: _And he likes you._

 

Even: _Yes._

 

Dad: _Then what's the holdup?_

 

Even: _I messed it up._

 

Dad: _How?_

 

Even: _I told him we should be just friends even when I didn't want to be._

 

Dad: _You're always trying to save everyone from yourself, Even._

 

Even: _I know. He told me._

 

Dad: _So you've talked about it?_

 

Even: _We're trying to work it out._

 

Dad: _Good. That's good._

 

Even: _I always thought you didn't like that I liked boys._

 

Dad: _I'm your dad. I just want to protect you from things that make your life harder._

 

Even: _Not being straight is always harder than being straight._

 

Dad: _I know. It's not you that makes me upset, Even. It's everyone else._

 

Even: _Ok._

 

Dad: _I love you._

 

Even: _I'm coming home now._

 

Even looked down at Isak's face and smiled gently at him, brushing hair off of his forehead before standing up. When he got home Alex was already asleep and their father was waiting in the kitchen tapping tiredly on his laptop keyboard.

“You didn't have to wait up for me,” Even said, setting his backpack on the floor and sitting down next to him.

“Who said this is for you?” his dad asked, and Even smiled.

“No one, I guess. Good day at work?”

“It was fine. Did you eat dinner?”

“I grabbed kebab,” Even answered.

“With Isak?”

“Yes, with Isak.”

His dad winked at him and Even rolled his eyes. “You're not a normal dad.”

“I'm a young dad,” he said. “A cool dad.”

“You've said that twice today. It kind of proves the opposite.”

“Mean.” He took a bite of the apple he had on the table while watching Even. “Tell me about what's happening,” his dad said. “With Isak.”

“Isn't it kind of weird to hear about?” Even asked.

“No, I want to know,” his dad said with a smile. “Tell me, let me help.”

“There's nothing to help with,” Even said. “We were kind of together and now we're not. I ended it because I was afraid of holding him back, and because we went forever without moving forward.”

“Oh, Even.”

“I know. And then we were just friends for a while, and it sucked, but the other day Isak said that he would wait for me if I wanted him to, and I do want him to, but _I_ have to decide when I'm ready and I'm afraid of it being too soon. Like I won't really be ready when I think I am.”

“What will make you ready?” his father asked.

“He says I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. And to let him in even when it's hard, and stuff.”

“That's good advice. It's hard to hear you say some of the things you say about yourself.”

“I didn't realize that until he said it,” Even said. “I guess I didn't think about it. I just... fucking hate my brain.”

“I know you do,” his dad said. “I wish you didn't.”

“I'm trying not to,” Even answered. “Now that I know that it hurts people. You and Isak. I guess he just needs to know that I won't pull away from him again. Because it'd suck if we committed and then I just ended it, like I did this time. He just wants us to last. I do, too. I just... I'm tired of waiting.”

“Maybe waiting will make you two stronger.”

Even smiled at him. “Maybe you're right.” He stood up and kissed his father's cheek. “I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Sleep well,” he said. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

When he got in bed he had a half-conscious text from Isak. _Hope u got home ok thx for staying._ Even sent him a heart back, because he couldn't not.

  
.

They fucked in the school men's room because Isak was wearing tight jeans.

It was a stupid reason, really, he knew that, but when he touched Isak's thigh under the lunch table, Isak didn't stop him. When he moved his hand up, Isak's lips parted to let his breath out. And ultimately, it was Isak who took his hand and dragged him away with absolutely no subtleties at all.

“Did you wear these for me?” Even asked, kissing down his neck with his hands on Isak's ass.

“It's been so long since we fucked, Even,” Isak gasped, tilting his head back against the tile wall to give Even more room to bite. “Shit, I knew I could get you with these fucking pants. You're too easy.”

“Am I that predictable?” Even asked, letting Isak push him back against the metal wall of the bathroom stall. He hit his head with a pained curse and Isak laughed, pressing his palm to the back of Even's head and laughing harder.

“I'm sorry,” Isak said around his laughter. “I'm sorry, it's been so long since I hooked up with someone, fuck, I didn't mean to push you that hard.”

“You're so mean, Valtersen.”

“Do I need to get you an ice pack, dummy, or do you think you'll live?”

It was so reminiscent of how they always had sex, easy with smiles and kisses and laughter. It was rarely intense, it was never heavy. Even had missed him so much, and while he knew that this wouldn't fix anything, that they'd have to go back to the way they'd decided to be—right now he didn't care. He just wanted this while he could have it. He could deal with the repercussions when the time came.

“I've missed you, baby,” he said against Isak's lips. He hadn't tasted his lips in so long. “I've missed this.”

“Will you just... suck me off, or something, I wore these jeans just for you, I think I deserve an orgasm as a reward.”

“You are the least romantic person I've ever met in my goddamn life.”

“Fine, I'll go first,” Isak said, undoing Even's fly and dropping down to his knees, yanking his jeans and boxers down to his knees in one go. “I have to do everything.” Then he was on him in an instant, taking him deep like Isak always could and pulling off after only a second. “I heard somewhere that your gag reflex can come back even if you've trained it to go away.”

“Do we have to talk about this now?” Even asked in exasperation, voice hoarse as he looked down at Isak, who was sat with Even's dick in his hand and doing absolutely nothing at all with it.

“Wouldn't it suck to do all that work for it to go away and then have it come back?” Isak asked.

“Is that why you seduced me today?” Even asked. “So you can make sure your abilities to deepthroat don't disappear?”

“It's a perk,” Isak said.

“Then you better fucking practice, I guess,” Even said, and Isak smiled before swallowing him back down. Even let himself get lost in the sensation for a while, but then Isak was pulling off again.

“Are you hooking up with other people?” he asked.

“What? No, I'm not, I haven't had sex with anyone but you since the last time we fucked. Please stop doing this to me.”

“Sorry.” He took Even back into his mouth for about two seconds before releasing him and leaning back on his heels to say, “I haven't, either. Why are we more exclusive now then we were before?”

“Because we didn't want to get too wrapped up in each other,” Even forced out. This was fucking _torture_ but they said that they were going to talk more. There was probably a reason that Isak was doing it at so ill a time. “Because now that I don't have you I don't want anyone.”

“When you can have me again, will you only want me?” Isak asked.

“I only ever wanted you. You were always the only one that mattered.”

Isak smiled up at him, the sweetness of his face contrasting the dirty way his hand was still wrapped around Even's dick. “That's nice. You're nice.”

“Thanks, baby.”

“And now I'll suck you off, because you've been so patient.”

“Oh, Jesus, thank you.”

No one gave blowjobs like Isak did, no one else that Even had ever been with. Which, admittedly, wasn't an impressive number—he couldn't dissociate sex from feelings in the same perfunctory way that Isak could, so his sexual partners had been limited to an amount counted on one hand. He hoped that for as long as possible, it'd only be Isak from then forward.

When Isak finished, smiling up at him proudly and smugly and the way he always did, Even crowded him against the opposite wall and returned the favor quickly. Lunch was coming to a close and he never liked leaving Isak right after fucking, even if it was in a bathroom in the middle of the school day, even if there wasn't a bed to cuddle in, even if they'd have to stand in a metal stall and talk about the consequences of their actions.

As they pulled their pants back up, Isak said, “You know this can't happen again, right?”

Even tugged his zipper up and smoothed out the wrinkles that Isak had fisted into his shirt. “Ever, or just right now?” he asked.

“Until we decide what we're gonna be,” Isak said, buttoning his pants and opening the stall door. “Until we're ready to be together.”

“When you say you'll wait for me, do you mean with sex, too?” Even asked as he followed him to the sinks.

“Yes, Even, I mean with sex, too,” Isak said in thinly-veiled amusement, washing his hands and then cupping them under the running water from the faucet to take a drink and wash the taste of cum out of his mouth. If it was hot in the moment it never was afterwards, and Even could understand that much.

“So this is it,” Even said. “Until we decide to be together. We're gonna be celibate for a long while here, aren't we?”

“I think we'll survive,” Isak said with a smile, looking in the mirror to see Even over his shoulder. “I told you I'd wait, Even, I meant it. Just, please, don't take too long. I don't have very much self control, and jacking off is getting old when I've had a lot better body parts wrapped around my dick.”

“You're really trying to kill me in this bathroom, aren't you?”

Isak turned around and leaned back against the sink. “That wouldn't really do me any good, would it? Because then I'd just have to find some other lame, tall guy who gives good head and puts up with me.”

“It'll be easy for you, cause you're so pretty,” Even said.

“Well I don't want anyone else, unfortunately. Some dickwad made me fall in love with him and now no one else compares.”

“Good,” Even said. “I wouldn't want to get jealous. Wouldn't want to have to beat up your new boyfriend.”

“Please, you'd lose any fight you got in in two seconds flat.”

“You're mean. I'm tough.”

Isak smiled, shaking his head at him. “Point is, no more sex. For a while at least.”

“Then you can't wear those jeans.”

“I don't have very many pairs of jeans, Even.”

“Then we're gonna have to have sex. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.”

“I'll try not to wear them, then, you asshole.” Every insult Isak threw at him was fond and Even loved it, he loved that Isak was kind of a dick, loved that Isak didn't give a fuck. His confidence didn't used to be anything like this, and Even didn't miss that self-doubt. Isak was so much happier now, so _obviously_ happy now. Even couldn't wait until they got to be together.

“No sex til we're together,” Even said dutifully, nodding once. “Got it.”

“Good. It'll make getting together that much better.”

Even didn't know how much longer he could keep away from Isak. He didn't want to. And the more he thought about it, the more he thought he was getting better. The more he thought he was getting ready. Even having this conversation at all was a step up from what they'd normally do if they did the wrong thing. So maybe it wouldn't be the longest wait of his life anymore. Maybe it'd only be a while. He could survive a while.

  
.

“Hey,” Even said.

Isak looked up from his textbook. “What?”

“You look hot.”

Isak glanced down at his homework spread out on the bed and then back at Even. “Seriously?”

“I like it when you're nerdy.”

“You really suck at this whole _just friends_ thing,” Isak said.

“You're the one that gave me a blowjob in the bathroom two days ago.”

Isak shook his head, flipping his textbook page. “That wasn't me.”

Even threw a piece of popcorn at him. “Felt like you.” He watched Isak smile and then said, “I have a question.”

“Okay.” Isak was scratching equations onto his notebook instead of looking at him.

“Am I allowed to think about you when I'm getting myself off?” Even asked, and Isak's head whipped up with his mouth open. “Even though we're just friends now?”

“I hate you,” Isak said.

“I need an honest answer!” Even said around a laugh. “I don't want to be a creep!”

“Even, I think about you every single time I'm in the shower, if you're a creep, I'm a creep.”

Even gaped at him for a second and Isak just looked smugly down at the book. “Fuck, not being with you is torture,” Even groaned as Isak laughed. “Especially when you say things like that, you tease.”

“Maybe it'll inspire you to love yourself so we can date.”

“Can't I just love you instead?”

“That's not how it works,” Isak said, smiling down at his textbook. “I can't have you leaving again. Don't think I'll survive it if you leave me for the wrong reasons for a second time.”

“Baby,” Even said seriously. “When I'm done with myself, you'll be stuck with me forever.”

“I hope so,” Isak said with a smile.

And Even wanted to just ask him now, because he didn't think Isak would tell him no. But, God, he couldn't break this boy again. And he couldn't let anyone else have him when Even was so close.

And Even _was_ close. He was opening up and he was telling people things and he was being honest. He was trying hard to accept his mind and he was trying hard to love himself, and it was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

They just kept... changing their minds, and it was getting exhausting. They were friends and then they were friends with benefits and then they were friends with benefits who were desperately in love and then they were friends who were desperately in love and now they were friends who were desperately in love and were waiting for each other when they probably shouldn't, when they probably should've just ended it at friends and then hoped that they fell out of love as quickly as they fell into it.

But he knew he wouldn't be happy like that. Because he had the potential, and the opportunity, to be with Isak, the man of his dreams and the man that he loved. Maybe he could find someone else eventually, yes, but would he really be happy if he never explored a relationship with Isak to see how it'd work out? Would he be happy if he went his whole life without knowing what might've happened?

He and Isak had time, and that was what he had to keep reminding himself of. As much as he wanted to just make the leap and go for it, not everything had to happen now; he was nineteen years old, Isak was seventeen. They were in high school and they were young. There was time.

There was time.

When he looked over at Isak bent over his textbook with his tongue peeking through his lips, he knew it was worth the wait, _Isak_ was worth the wait. He always would be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ableist language


	7. isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi babes! thank you so so much for all the kudos and comments, it really helps motivate me. i know the fandom is dying but i'm glad ya'll are still reading this <3 your comments really get me through the day, and any time i get something on tumblr i want to cry. so thank you :)
> 
> i'm glad you liked last chapter's fluff. here's some more.

.

**Unknown**

Unknown: _Hi it's David from the bar. It's been a long time, you probably don't remember me ha ha._

_Might be a long shot but are you free tonight? Nothing serious, maybe a drink and then we can stop by my place? No pressure :) Let me know._

 

Isak: _Hi sorry but I have a boyfriend now so I'll have to pass :)_

 

Unknown: _No problem! Your boyfriend's a lucky guy ;)_

 

It'd been six weeks since Isak and Even officially ended everything but their friendship and two weeks since Isak had told Even he'd wait for him. It'd been a week and a half since they'd had bathroom sex and vowed not to do it again until they were back together for good.

And he'd been using this excuse to keep himself from meaningless sex ever since he and Even decided to be just friends the first time. The boyfriend excuse that he'd always used in sleazy bars with sleazy men that he didn't want to go home with, that he used now to avoid having to have sex with guys he used to like. Because he couldn't do it anymore, he knew that the sex would suck and he knew he'd be thinking about Even the whole time and that would just be fucking torture, so he laid off sex in general. Well, until he sucked Even's dick in the bathroom and hoped to be able to do it again very soon. When he could rightly have Even again the way he wanted, only Even, exclusively.

“Who was that?” Jonas asked, laying back in Isak's bed and throwing a tiny Toys R Us basketball up in the air. He tried to pet Ripley and she hissed at him like she always did and moved onto Isak's chest to get away from him.

“Just some guy,” Isak answered, stroking the kitten's back lazily and tossing his phone to the side.

“What guy?”

“I don't know, Jonas, some guy I slept with once. At a bar, apparently, I don't remember. David.”

“Was he nice?”

Isak blinked at him. “What part of 'I don't remember' confused you? I don't know if he was nice, he probably was, I slept with a lot of nice guys.”

“None as nice as Even?”

“No one's as nice as Even.” He lifted Ripley off his chest, kissed her nose as she tried to get away from his lips, and deposited her on the floor so he could sit up against the pillows and watch Jonas throw the ball. Isak smacked it away during one of Jonas's upward tosses and the offended look on his face was worth it. He sat up, too, and retrieved the ball from the floor to throw at Isak's face.

“Have you sucked his dick since last week at school?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “No. We're... off sex, again.”

Jonas groaned. “God, this is too hard to keep up with! Why not just go back to being friends with benefits, man? At least then you're getting laid. And you can commit when you want to commit. What's the harm in just sex if you're going to be together anyways?”

“It's an incentive,” Isak said lamely. Ripley meowed at the door and he stood up to let her into the hallway.

“For who?” Jonas asked.

“For him.”

“How? Like, he gets rewarded with your dick when he's ready to commit?”

“Maybe,” Isak said with a shrug as he sat back down. His phone was buzzing on the comforter and he picked it up.

**Dick Squad**

Magnus: _Party Friday?_

 

Mahdi: _At P Chris's?_

 

Magnus: _Yeah_

 

Mahdi: _I'm in. Dude throws wild parties_

 

Isak: _That guy's kinda a dick_

 

Magnus: _So? Still throws mad parties._

 

Mahdi: _U in?_

 

Magnus: _Where's JoBro?_

 

“The boys are in the group chat,” Isak said, laying back down on the bed. “You might want to deal with that.”

 

**Dick Squad**

Jonas: _I'll be there._

_So will Isak_

 

Magnus: _Hanging out without us?_

 

Jonas: _Yes_

 

Mahdi: _Rude_

 

Jonas: _It's not that fun._

 

“What the fuck, man!” Isak said with a laugh.

“In the chat, dude, I can't keep up with two conversations right now.”

 

**Dick Squad**

Jonas: _We're just talking about Even as always_

 

Isak: _You brought it up!_

 

Jonas: _I'm trying to tell him to fuck Even again._

_Because it doesn't do any good to not._

_And maybe they'll pine less if they're getting dicked down._

 

Isak: _Oh my God._

 

Magnus: _I agree with Jonasty._

_Anytime you get to fuck it's the better option_

 

Mahdi: _Just do what feels right, bro_

 

Isak: _What do you mean Mahdi?_

 

Mahdi: _Don't force things man. Have sex if you want to have sex and kiss if you want to kiss._

_Do what feels right. You're gonna be together anyways. Maybe this would help it along._

 

Magnus: _How?_

 

Mahdi: _It'll put less pressure on getting together. Because you're already doing everything else when you want to do it. Make sense?_

 

Isak: _Kind of_

 

Mahdi: _Idiots_

_Ok_

_So you do what feels right, make your way gradually to a relationship._

_And then the actual committing to each other isn't such a big deal._

 

Magnus: _Bro you're a genius_

 

Jonas: _He's good Isak._

 

Isak: _Maybe you're right_

 

Mahdi: _Always_

 

Isak: _I'll see._

 

“Isak's gonna get laid!” Jonas said in a singsong voice, and Isak hit him with a pillow and fell back into the covers, hiding his face in his hands.

  
.

They were drunk, which was the reasoning that Isak chose to believe caused another slip so closely following the first one. Of course, while they were making out against Penetrator Chris's living room wall, they couldn't bother thinking about it at all. It was a decision that came without thought, a decision that was mutual because they _always_ made out at parties and they hadn't been to one together since the time period during which they were still sleeping together.

So it was natural for them to get lost somewhere between the fifth and sixth beer and forget all the rules and progression and lines in the dirt. Because kissing was so much easier. And so much more fun.

He loved Even's lips and tongue and teeth, loved the taste of alcohol on his breath, loved the feeling of his hands all over his body. And he was able to enjoy it for half an hour before they were forcibly pried apart by Jonas and Sana.

“Let's get you home, buddy,” Jonas said, hand rubbing circles onto Isak's back.

“I'm having a good time,” Isak said with his fingers linked with Even's still. “I don't want to go.”

“You're drunk as fuck, we're gonna go,” Jonas said. “I'll drop you with Eskild, okay?”

“Eskild,” Isak repeated.

“Yes. Eskild.”

“Okay.” He leaned in to kiss Even once more, told him goodbye, said they'd talk later.

“Bye, baby,” Even said, kissing his forehead. “I'm going home, too. I'll text you tomorrow?”

Isak nodded, pressed upwards to kiss his lips again, and let Jonas drag him away. “Bye, Sana!” he called as he sank into the crowd. “See you in biology!”

“Bye, Isak,” she answered in good nature. “Stay safe.”

“Take care of Even.”

“I will. I promise.”

He leaned heavily on Jonas as they walked into the cold air outside. “I love him,” Isak said.

“I know, buddy,” Jonas answered.

“I love him so much.”

“I know, Isak.”

“Do you think we should be together? Do you think we're good for each other?”

“I always think you have been,” Jonas said. “He's always made you feel better and you've always made him feel loved. There was a time when you two weren't ready, sure, but that time passed a long time ago.”

“You think I should let him be my boyfriend?”

“Of course I do.”

“You think he'll leave me?”

“He'll never leave you, Isak.”

Eskild took him into his arms and helped him to bed, tucked him in and listed amusedly to Isak's drunken appreciation.

“I love you, Eskild. You're so great, I just love you. I can't believe you let me live here in this entire room with this damn cat—cat! Where are you? Come here, Ripley, come cuddle.”

When the kitten jumped up on the bed and curled on top of his back, Eskild kissed his hair and left the room with the door cracked open and hallway light seeping in. Isak took a few easy breaths, felt the weight of Ripley on top of him, and slept.

And when he woke up, almost thirteen hours later, he didn't even really regret anything.

He regretted telling Eskild he loved him multiple times, and telling Jonas he loved Even multiple times, and he regretted drinking so much in the first place—beers and liquor didn't combine sweetly in his system—because now his head was throbbing and his stomach was lurching so much he didn't think he'd ever be able to have anything in it again. Of course, based on his roommates' track record he'd be fed regardless of whether or not he could stomach it.

But he didn't regret kissing Even. If it was this hard to keep their hands off of each other, maybe they shouldn't be doing it at all. Maybe Mahdi was right. Mahdi was often right.

Before heading to the kitchen to greet and apologize and be stuffed with food he didn't want but still needed, he checked his phone. And smiled.

**Even <3**

Even: _Shit I'm sorry_

_I was so drunk_

_You were drunk too_

_We were drunk_

_Still shouldn't have happened probably_

_But it felt hella good_

_But I can wait._

_I promise_

 

Isak: _Calm down._

_No biggie._

 

Even: _It was only last week that you said we needed to stop._

 

Isak: _I've reconsidered_

 

Even: _Reconsidered what?_

 

Isak: _Maybe we should just take this totally chill_

 

Even: _What do you mean?_

 

Isak: _Let's just do what feels natural._

_If you want to._

_We can stop hiding everything. We can kiss. I think we're ready._

 

Even: _Ease our way into a relationship?_

 

Isak: _If that sounds good to you?_

 

Even: _Fuck baby it sounds perfect._

 

Isak: _Really?_

 

Even: _I think we've changed enough to make it work_

_But let's take it chill._

_No labels?_

 

Isak: _No labels._

 

Even: _No other people?_

 

Isak: _Never again._

 

Even: _I love you_

 

Isak: _God. Hearing you say that again._

_I love you too_

 

Even: _You're killing me._

 

Isak: _How fast can you get here?_

 

Even: _Seriously? Sex again?_

 

Isak: _Sex all the time now, baby._

 

Even: _Holy fuck I've missed you._

 

The sex high and the ibuprofen and the pot that Eskild had yelled at him about chased away his headache and made him hungry enough to eat again. And as they laid sated and naked in Isak's bed, their time together after all their time apart better than any drug, a bag of Smartfood cheddar popcorn between them, Isak was happy. He'd been happy for a long time, he realized now. If it was an unfamiliar concept at one point, it wasn't anymore, and the realization of it almost startled him.

Intimacy was an important part of every relationship, the pet names and touches and I love you's, the sex, the kisses. And Isak was glad they hadn't lost that, in the time they were apart. He was glad they would be able to move forward with the same amount of closeness they'd had before.

Isak had his head on Even's chest, a movie playing on his laptop, and he whispered, “Baby?”

“Yeah?”

He moved his chin to look at him more directly, and his lips curled up. “Are we fucked up?”

Even was laughing. It'd been a long time since they asked this question.

“Of course we are. Who isn't?”

  
.

Ripley was ignoring him.

She only ever paid attention to him when he was depressed and sleepless, and now that he just wanted her company she was being a dick, laying on the pillow she'd claimed as her own with her back to him and breathing softly. He touched her with two fingers and she purred for a second, then meowed at him, then sneezed. He said bless you and she didn't respond.

And he knew he wasn't the _best_ pet owner—Noora fed Ripley every morning and Linn brushed her and Eskild had to always remind Isak to clean the litter box ten times before he actually did it—but he still loved the damn thing and wanted her attention. She was still _his_ cat, kind of, or at least the collective cat, and while she tolerated everyone to an extent, Isak was the only the one she would let do anything to her without complaint. As she got older she got less pliant, stopped letting people pick her up and started hissing when anyone got too close to Isak. He felt a strange sort of pride in it, until she scratched Even for trying to hold Isak and he had to put her in Linn's room for the night, all four pounds of her ready to attack anything that moved.

He didn't know if cats went through the same annoying pissed-off stages that children went through, but he hoped she'd grow out of it. Because right now her stubbornness was making him feel lonely and he wanted her attention on him like it always was when he needed it the most.

“Ripley,” he said. She stopped licking the underside of her leg long enough to look at him, tongue still halfway out of her mouth and leg in the air, and then turned away from him again and continued her ministrations. “Even's coming over,” he told her. “So you have to hang out with Linn. Because you're an asshole to him now.” She kept licking so he stood up and scooped her up under one arm, letting her hang limply in his hold with her toes stretching towards the floor.

“Linn?” he called through her door, punctuating it with a knock. “Do you want the kitten?”

“Sure,” Linn said, voice muffled both through the door and probably a good layer of blankets. “Let her in.”

Linn liked how much of an asshole the cat had become, because the cat wasn't such an asshole to her. While the number of people that Ripley liked had dwindled significantly, Linn was still in her favor and able to enjoy the havoc she inflicted on everyone else.

He opened the door, glanced at the cocoon of duvets that housed his roommate, and dropped Ripley onto the rug. She started scratching at the fabric and he pushed at her with his foot until she stopped and looked up at him with vengeance in her eyes, then he left to answer the knocking on the front door.

He and Even weren't labelling it. That was the agreement, and that was what worked. They were still in love and they were still exclusive, and they were still hopeless romantics like Even always was and Isak secretly held tendrils of.

And, shit, it was wonderful. They spent nights together again, they had sex when they wanted to have sex, they kissed in greeting and held hands at school. They were doing what felt right, and what felt right also felt a lot like a relationship.

When he opened the door, Even was standing on the other side, hands tucked into his pockets. He smiled wide when he saw Isak, cocked his head to the side, and lifted his hands to Isak's face to tilt it for a kiss.

“Hi,” Isak said, hands on Even's wrists.

“Hi,” Even answered.

“I love you,” Isak said, wrapping his arms around Even's waist.

“What's that for?” Even asked, pulling him into a hug with his arms around his shoulders.

“I just wasted so much time not saying it.”

“We needed that time,” Even said into his hair. “I'm glad we took it.”

“It was torture,” Isak said, then pulled back and kissed his neck, then his cheek. “I'm kind of tired. Can we just chill?”

“Of course, baby,” Even said. “Chilling with you is my favorite thing in the world.” He kissed Isak's forehead and smoothed a hand down his back. “And I love you, too. Just FYI.”

Isak smiled and took his hand, led him into the kitchen for snacks.

“Hi baby gay,” Eskild said, smoothing down Isak's hair. “And baby gay's unlabeled boyfriend. Baby pan.”

“Hi, Eskild,” Even said, letting himself be pulled into a hug.

“No hard feelings, baby pan? I still love you like a son-in-law.”

“You were always just protecting Isak. That's all I ever wanted you to do.”

“Noora?” Isak asked, and she looked up from her cookbook to smile at him. “Can I borrow some food? Please?”

“Always, Isak,” she said. They let him have anything. The only perk to having absolutely no money to his name. “Something nutritious.”

“How about... Linn's chips?” he tried.

“How about the baby carrots in the crisper?” she said instead, eyebrows raised.

Isak closed the cupboard door and opened the refrigerator with a sigh. “Thanks, mom.”

“You're welcome, son,” she said, reaching up to ruffle his hair as he passed by her.

“Bye, Noora, good seeing you,” Even said as he followed. “Bye Eskild.”

“Don't be loud!” Noora said.

“Be as loud as you want!” Eskild argued.

Isak was really happy. He'd never been this happy before, even when he thought he had everything. Because now he actually did, he had everything that mattered. He had best friends and a makeshift family, he had mental stability and a home to live in. He had a cat that hated him sometimes and a boy he loved who loved him back who he could actually be with now. And he didn't have parents anymore, and maybe that was okay. He'd been hurt in his past by a man that he thought could be trusted, and that was okay, too. Because it was in the past and it'd been painful, but it was over and it'd led him here. He'd never forgive his abuser, but he'd stop letting him run any part of his life.

Isak laid tucked into Even's side as they watched a movie and shared stories and kissed and fell asleep together.

This was all he needed.

  
.

“Eskild?”

Eskild looked up from the stove and smiled, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned his hip against the countertop. “Hi my love. What's going on?”

“Can I... talk to you about this stuff with Even?” Isak asked, shifting on his feet. “I need your... guru advising.”

“Guru advising?” Eskild asked with a self-satisfied smile, pressing a hand over his heart. “Me? You want _my_ help?”

He rolled his eyes. He was always rolling his eyes around Eskild, because Eskild was constantly saying things that warranted an eye roll, like, _Isak, I met my soulmate on the tram. He has a nine inch cock._

“Yes, Eskild, that's what I said.” He raised his eyebrows. “Will you help?”

“I'll always help. Spill. What's on your mind?”

“Okay, so.” Isak leaned against the counter and tried to find the words. “Me and Even keep changing our minds. And I don't know if it's a good idea? Like... instead of really making any concrete decisions, we're just... hoping that we work out, we're doing what's easiest, and I just.... I want to know that we're gonna be together, and, like, last.”

Eskild made a thoughtful noise. “Well, I can tell you this much. I don't think you're rushing into anything. I think you've each done what you need to do to be your best for each other.”

“Really?” Isak asked.

“Baby, you're so much stronger now then you were when I met you, and you've always been strong.”

“I'm afraid of relying on him too much. So much that if I lose him, I lose part of myself, too.”

“That's not you, Isak,” Eskild said. “You don't lose yourself in the identities of others, and you never have. You've always been your own person, baby Jesus. Steamrolled, yes, maybe, but never consumed. You've always been strong, and you didn't get that way through anyone but yourself. Everyone in your entire life could have broken you, but you didn't let them. People who went through what you went through—they'd break, anyone would. But you didn't. You cracked, but you kept all your pieces together, you healed yourself. So you don't have to be scared of letting someone in. You'll always rely on yourself more than anyone else, and that's what you need to do. But you don't need to do everything yourself.”

“I don't want to be left again,” Isak said quietly.

“And I don't want you to be,” Eskild responded. “I never do. But sometimes it happens, Isak, and it'll never be like it was last time—where he doesn't explain it to you, where he won't talk it through, because he's changed, too. But I can't guarantee you that you and Even will always be together. And neither can he and neither can you. Life isn't like that. There aren't any guarantees for anything.”

“Great.”

“No, but.... But I know for a fact that if it doesn't work, you'll be okay. I know you will.”

Isak looked up at him. “Really?”

“You will. You'll continue with life and it'll hurt for a while but it'll pass. Everything passes. And if you love Even forever, then that's great. I'd love that, he's great for you. But he's not perfect like no one's perfect, and you can both mess up again. You can change as people. You can want different things. It doesn't have to mean that you're not in love, that you did something wrong. And it certainly doesn't mean that you'll break.” Eskild smiled. “And remember, Isak, it's not just you. You've got all of us, and you might not have a perfect family but you have _something_. Linn and I will always be the same people who took you in that night at the bar. Noora will always have your back. And Jonas and the boys, they will _never_ leave your side, even when you want them to.”

Isak was smiling. “Thanks, guru.”

“No problem, love of my life. And don't worry, if you and Even ever break up, he'll stay in the family. I'll scoop him up so fast.”

“Bye, Eskild,” he said, pushing himself off the counter and rolling his eyes at Eskild's smirk.

“Bye, baby.” He turned to watch Isak head towards the door. “Are you going out?”

“I'm meeting Even at the coffeeshop. His shift is ending soon, we're taking his brother out for ice cream.”

The softness in Eskild's face made Isak blush. “What?”

“I just... think there's a pretty good chance that you two will stay together. For now, and for a long time.”

“How about forever?” Isak asked.

“Maybe forever, too.”

“I hope so.”

Eskild smiled and gave him a hug. “I hope so, too.”

  
.

“I like being between your legs again,” Even murmured against his ear.

“If you don't shut up I'm leaving,” Isak said, a hand on the back of Even's neck and one on his waist.

“Your thighs are just.... ugh, perfect, God.” His fingers were on the sides of his thighs, hands grabbing.

“Even,” he gasped, craning his head back to give Even more space. “Stop talking.”

“You're not romantic,” Even said, kissing his neck. “Why won't you let me be romantic to you?”

“Because it's annoying and I'd rather you use your mouth for other things.”

Even pulled back with a smile. “Want me to blow you in this classroom?”

“Even, oh my God! I meant kissing me! You dumbass.” He started reeling Even closer to his face.

“I'll do whatever you want,” Even said, going willingly.

“Fantastic,” Isak said, eyes closing.

“Anything for you.”

“Then shut up and fucking kiss me, holy shit, you talk way too fucking much.”

Even smiled into the kiss, lifting one hand to cup Isak's cheek, letting the other one grasp at his thigh. Isak was sitting on the windowsill in his science classroom, arms around Even's neck, pulling him closer and enjoying the feeling of him for as long as he could.

He and Even never used to do this. When they were friends with benefits, before everything happened between them to complicate the relationship and confuse the shit out of them, they at least pretended that they weren't in love at school. They didn't kiss in public, they didn't hold hands anywhere but under the table.

And of course they were never really friends with benefits. Or, for a while they were, for the first few months of the sex, and then Isak said _I love you_ and everything changed and they still called each other _just friends_ but it wasn't true at all. And that was why the no-labels thing would really work in their favor, now, because they were never very good at coming up with the right labels in the first place.

One day, though, he hoped he'd be able to call Even Bech Næsheim his boyfriend. It'd be a wonderful title.

“You taste good,” Even said.

“You're gonna give yourself a boner,” Isak answered.

“Too late. And it was all you, baby. This body, holy shit.”

“I'm going to kill you.”

“Why won't you let me love you?”

“Do it silently,” Isak said. “Do it with your tongue in my mouth.”

“I thought you liked my voice.”

“To an extent.”

“I hope our kids get my sense of romanticism,” Even said.

“Then they'd have to find someone who'll put up with that shit.”

“You're a romantic, baby, you know you are.”

Isak smiled and pulled him back in. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

He liked kissing in public, he realized now. He liked everyone seeing that he was Even's and Even was his and everyone else missed their fucking chance. He liked the stares that he'd once be afraid of, too insecure to appreciate the hotness of his almost-boyfriend, too scared after just emerging from the closet. Now he was just happy. He was proud. When he was younger he thought that being loved was something he was incapable of. He thought that he deserved the hate that Jan spewed at him, thought he deserved the slaps and the painful words.

And Even changed it, Even made his outlook so much better. Even made Isak think that he could be loved, that he _should_ be loved, and it didn't just happen now it happened when they met the first time. When they became friends while Isak was still wrapped around Jan's fingers, the conflicting emotions, the different ways he was treated made him feel lost. He didn't know which was right, which one he deserved.

Now he knew he deserved this. And he wanted it.

He couldn't be without Even anymore. And he didn't want to be. They were trying their best and they were _getting there_ , they were already so far down the road, they were healing and they didn't have to the rest by themselves. They'd be there for each other, a concept that'd been foreign to him before he moved into the collective, before he met Even, before he opened up to Jonas and Mahdi and Magnus about everything that'd happened to him.

“Are you gonna leave me with blue balls?” Even asked.

“I am,” Isak said with a nod, hands still linked at the back of Even's neck.

“You can't get me off in the bathroom real quick?”

“You can do that yourself.”

“Ew, I'm not jacking off in the boys' bathroom at school, that's pathetic.”

“So is begging for a blowjob.”

“Some people think that's hot,” Even said.

“Do you have a humiliation kink I'm not aware of?”

“You know all my kinks, baby.”

“I do, don't I?” Isak said with a smile. “Good, lets me know how to make you feel good.”

“You can do whatever you want to me and it'll feel good.”

“Well right now I'm sending you away without paying attention to your dick.”

“Isak.”

“Even.”

“Baby.”

“Class is starting soon.”

“I'll be late.”

“People are actually in the room now,” Isak said, glancing over Even's shoulder at the filling classroom. Sana was already in her seat at their table.

“Let's give them a show,” Even said.

“I hate you. Get off me and say goodbye to Sana and then go to class.”

“Maybe I want to repeat third year again so we can graduate together.”

“That's a terrible idea. Go.”

Even backed up and helped Isak jump off the windowsill, then held his hand all the way to his seat (about five feet) as if Isak would get lost on the way.

“Hi, Sana,” Even said as Isak sat down.

“Hi, Even. You two are done sucking face in the middle of a classroom?”

“On the edge of a classroom,” Even said.

“Still not great.”

“Great for me.”

“Go away, Even,” Isak said.

“Alright, sorry, baby.” He leaned down to give Isak another quick kiss, then walked out, turning around at the door to throw a terrible wink over his shoulder.

“What a fucking dork,” Isak mumbled, opening his notebook.

“Nice try, Valtersen,” Sana said with a smile. “Your romantic side is just as bright as his.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please talk to me if you can it encourages me to write faster and better and more :) ily guys <3 <3


	8. even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lovelies sorry for the long wait! but here it is and thank you for reading!  
> your comments really mean the world and the kudos inspire me to keep writing so thank you so much! knowing that people care about the story makes it easier to write <3  
> we're nearing the end here, thank you for your support so far :) my tumblr is @supermansplaining if you want to drop by, i love hearing from ya'll.

.

Even loved holding Isak's hand.

They never _did_ that, before. They didn't touch like that in public, they didn't show their affections because they weren't supposed to, it was part of their weird deal when they were “just friends.”

But now.

Now he could hold Isak's hand, he could kiss him, he could tell him he loved him in every setting. He could watch Isak melt and appreciate the sight—Isak thought he was so tough and mean, but every single word from his mouth was delivered with a sappiness and love reserved just for Even.

Because to everyone else he was still a dick. He was a dick to Even, too, all grumpy and irritable, but it was to less of an extent.

“I'm sleeping,” Isak murmured into the pillow.

“It's time for school,” Even said, plastered along Isak's back and kissing his cheek.

“No it's not.”

“What do you mean 'no it's not?'”

Isak pushed his face deeper into the pillowcase to hide a smile. “It's not.”

“Yes it is. Come on, Noora's making breakfast.” Even sat up and pulled on Isak's hands until Isak was sitting, too. He flopped forward when Even released him, letting his face fall into the comforter and mumbling, “I'm tired.”

“I'm gonna start leaving in the middle of the night so I don't have to deal with you in the morning,” Even said.

“You're not allowed,” Isak whined, still not looking at him.

“Come on, baby,” Even said, tilting Isak's chin up. “Let's go eat.”

Isak kissed him petulantly, chastely with exaggeratedly pursed lips, and pouted afterwards.

Even laughed. “We're gonna be late. We can stop by KB and I'll buy you a coffee if you get up now.”

“It's not buying me a coffee if you get drinks for free at the place you work,” Isak grouched as he threw the covers off his lap and stood up on shaky legs, stretching his arms above his head and grabbing his towel from where it was hanging off the wardrobe's open door. “I'm taking a shower,” he announced when he was standing by the door.

“Have a great time, baby,” Even said, already showered and dressed and still sitting on the unmade bed.

“I don't like you,” Isak said, leaving the room, and Even smiled at his absence in the same way he smiled at his presence, because he knew Isak wasn't leaving for good any time soon.

He walked into the kitchen where Noora was already perfectly dressed and standing at the stove, scrambling eggs with a spatula.

“Good morning,” she said with a smile as he leaned against the counter next to her.

“Good morning,” he responded, pulling the coffeepot from its maker and taking two mugs from the cupboard. “Do you want any coffee?”

“I don't drink caffeine,” she said.

“No caffeine, no alcohol, no weed,” Even said, pouring the two mugs and shaking his head. “How do you have any fun, Noora?”

When he turned back around she was just smiling at him in that slightly annoyed way she tended to do, the look that was directed mostly at Eskild and often at Isak.

“Is Isak up?” she asked, plating the eggs and adding significantly more to one dish, like she always did when she was feeding Isak, too.

“In the shower,” Even said, taking a sip from his coffee mug.

“Will you be around tonight?”

“I have work,” Even said. “And then I promised my kid brother I'd make him dinner, so probably not. Try not to miss me too much, though, I'll be back in no time.”

He'd been splitting his time between his dad's house and the collective, and it was tough, but he felt good. He felt like he was finally coming into his own, he was wanting to be around his family in a way that he hadn't wanted in years, he was seeing them as more complete than broken. His mother was gone, but she'd been gone, and she wasn't coming back. At least he still had his dad. He still had Alex. His mom had left, but that didn't mean that everybody would. Isak hadn't. He believed that Isak wouldn't.

“Morning, Isak,” Noora said brightly, pushing a plate towards him as Even looked up at the tired boy with damp hair pulling a hoodie over his t-shirt and yawning.

“Thanks, Noora,” he mumbled, rubbing his eye with one hand and taking the plate with the other, setting it down next to Even's on the countertop and going to fish out a fork from the drying rack in the sink.

“Hey, love,” Even said, and Isak smiled at him and pressed a kiss to his cheek, taking the warm mug that Even pressed into his palms. “I know I said we'd get KB, but you seem to need the extra boost. Did you sleep okay?”

Isak nodded, taking a sip. “It's fine. The meds are just.... They make me tired. It's no big deal, Lilly said it'd probably happen.”

“Just means they're working,” Noora said with a smile, taking a small bite of eggs from the tines of her fork.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “They're working.” He took a bite of his own dish, grinning at Noora as he did so.

“Hello my baby angels,” Eskild said, bustling through the kitchen and grabbing an apple. “How are all of you lovelies this morning?”

“Good,” they all chorused in return.

“Wonderful. I'm late for work but everyone have a good day! Call pappa if you need anything!”

“Stop calling yourself dad, Eskild,” Isak said, leaning into Even's side as he finished his eggs. He cupped the mug of coffee in both hands.

“I'm your father and your guru and I love you,” Eskild said, giving him a wet kiss on the cheek as he grabbed his keys. “I'll be home late, don't wait up.”

“Bye, Eskild,” Even said.

“Bye, honey.”

“Almost ready to go?” Noora asked, putting dishes in the sink and wiping her hands on a dishtowel.

“Yeah,” Isak said, finishing his coffee and retreating back to his bedroom to get their backpacks. Noora shrugged on a jacket and met them at the front door, shouldering her bag and opening the door for them.

And Even got to hold Isak's hand as they walked down the sidewalk, got to support him around the waist as they rocked on the tram, and got to kiss him against the lockers when they got to school. It felt good, knowing Isak was his again, that they were each other's.

  
.

“What's dinner?” Alex asked, chin in his hands, elbows propped on the countertop.

“Pasta,” Even answered, because he could cook about ten things from memory and pasta was one of them. He glanced over at Alex watching the bread toast in the oven.

“Is Isak coming over?” Alex asked

“No,” Even said.

“But Isak's always with you.”

“Isak is not _always_ with me,” Even scoffed.

“It's fine, Even, _relax_.” Even smiled at his little eye roll. “I know you're dating.”

“We're not dating.”

“Fine, in love or whatever gross stuff it is. Is this bread almost done?”

Even peeked over and said, “Yeah, almost. Two minutes.”

Alex looked up at the oven's clock and said, “So at 19:34?”

Even did the same math and nodded. “Yep. Turn the oven off at 19:34 and tell me it's done, but don't try to do it yourself.”

“Why not?”

“Because you'll burn yourself and Dad will get mad at me.”

“Oh,” Alex said. “So you and Isak like, love each other and stuff, right?”

“Why are you so interested?”

“Because I don't _understand_ ,” Alex moaned exaggeratedly. “Why aren't you dating if you're in love?”

“Because I want to make sure I'm my absolute best for him.”

“But you already are,” Alex said, staring into the oven. “You're a lot better with people than you used to be. You were a lot meaner and you weren't patient and you hated everyone and the whole world because you thought it was super unfair. And you don't complain about going to therapy and stuff. And you take your pills, you used to not take your pills. And you and Dad don't yell at each other a lot anymore. And you don't get mad every time someone brings up Mamma. It's 19:34, can I turn it off now?”

Even had stopped chopping vegetables and was looking thoughtfully at the back of the stove. Because, holy shit, was his ten-year-old brother _right_? It really felt like he was right.

“Even! You have to take the bread out before it burns!”

Even jerked back into his own head and grabbed a dishtowel to remove the tray, setting it on the kitchen table and shutting the oven door and thinking too much. He _had_ changed, he knew he had, and he was trying really hard to, but he didn't know just how many of his broken relationships he'd mended. He had gained a bond with Alex, fixed his connection with his father, texted Yousef, talked with Isak. He had stopped thinking about his mother as the enemy, at some point during all that, and he'd started opening himself up to things he'd always been closed off to before.

“Hi, boys,” came a voice from the front door, and Even turned around as Alex ran to greet their father.

“Hey, Dad,” Even said, as he came up and kissed the side of Even's head. “You ready to eat soon?”

“You're the best son ever,” his father said. “One of my favorites!” He tousled Alex's hair and kissed the top of his head and they were a family like they hadn't felt like in years.

Even couldn't remember feeling so happy in a time of his life.

  
.

“So exactly how different is being gay from being straight?” Magnus asked, setting his chin in his palm and staring at Isak across the table.

Isak was busy feeding a french fry to Even, smiling and kissing the salt from his lips, but when Magnus cleared his throat, they both looked over.

“What?” Isak asked.

“He asked a stupid question,” Mahdi said, chewing on one of Isak's fries.

“What else is new,” Jonas said as he turned the page of the book he was reading.

“It's not that stupid,” Magnus said.

Even laid his arm across the back of Isak's chair and pressed a kiss to his temple. When Isak got ready to argue, nothing could tear his focus away, so Even silently lamented the loss of attention that was soon to come. For now Isak was still unaware enough to link their fingers together and lean a bit towards Even, eyes on Magnus, waiting.

“What is it?” Isak asked, in the voice of a man who had accepted his fate.

“Is being with a guy really _that_ much different than being with a girl?” Magnus asked. “Or is it something that I can, like, try once?”

Even tried not to laugh when Isak's mouth opened in a wordless gape. “Are you serious?” he finally asked.

“Dude,” Jonas said to his book.

“What the fuck, man, if you think you might like boys then go for it but I really don't think that's what you're asking me,” Isak said.

“Well maybe I won't know until I try,” Magnus said.

“Why do you _want_ to try?” Mahdi asked.

“Because girls don't seem to like me and I want to have _someone_.”

“That's not a good reason,” Jonas said.

“Well I wasn't _asking_ any of you,” Magnus said. “I was asking _Isak_ , my nonjudgmental best friend.”

“When the fuck has Isak ever been nonjudgmental?” Mahdi asked, going to take another french fry from Isak's plate. Isak smacked his hand and Mahdi gave him the most offended open-mouthed look as he drew his fingers back to his chest.

“Why are you asking _me_?” Isak asked.

“Because you're gay.”

“Yeah, but Even's the only one who's ever been with both boys and girls,” Isak said. “Or... ask Eva, she gets around.”

“I thought you were trying to seduce Vilde,” Even said. “What happened to that?”

“She doesn't want shit to do with me!” Magnus said, throwing his hands up. “No girl does!”

“And you think guys _would_?” Isak asked. “We have standards, too.”

Magnus threw a bun at him and stooped down in his chair, pouting with his arms crossed over his chest. “You'd totally fuck me, man,” he said.

“I don't know where the fuck you got that information,” Isak said, tossing the bun back. Magnus caught it and took a bite.

“Bullshit. If you had to fuck any of us,” he said around a mouthful of damp bread, sitting up straighter in his chair and gesturing around the table, “who would it be?”

“Even,” Isak said, and although that was an obvious choice—they _had_ been sleeping together for the better part of a year, and they'd been in love for just as long—Even still felt his chest swell at the praise.

“Not Even,” Magnus said.

“Then Jonas,” Isak amended with an eye roll.

“Aw, baby, I'm your first choice,” Even said with a smile, kissing his cheek.

“You better watch out, Næsheim,” Jonas said. “I'm coming for him.”

“You're wasting your breath,” Isak said. “Even never gets jealous, _ever_ , it's annoying.”

Even laughed. “Really? When have you ever wanted me to be jealous?”

“That time some guy was hitting on me at the bar Eskild took us to?” Isak asked, turned to face him. “You just... wandered up, and pretended you didn't know me, and let the guy think I was making some weird decision between the two of you.”

That _had_ happened, during their friends with benefits stage of the relationship. And Even knew that Isak would never hook up with someone else when they had come together, but he still had an odd sort of apprehension. So that passive-aggressive roleplay was his form of jealousy, and when he went up and shook Isak's hand like they were just meeting for the first time, when he saw the annoyed look on Isak's face, he felt a little better. Isak didn't need to know that, though. That was behind them.

And luckily he didn't have time to further explain himself, because Magnus whined, “This conversation was about _me,_ you guys!”

“Ugh, Mags,” Isak groaned, turning back so he could see him across the table. “If you think you fucking _want_ to hook up with a guy, then do it!”

“I don't _know_ if I want to, though!”

“Well think about having sex with a dude, then,” Isak said. “That involves putting another dick in your mouth. Like, another man's dick. And touching it and, like, rubbing all up on it and stuff.”

Magnus's face twisted up into some sort of uncomfortable squashed look, and he glanced between Isak and Even with the clear-as-day thought of, _You two do that,_ written across his face.

“And then the _fucking_ ,” Isak said. “You either stick your dick in some man's ass, or he sticks his up yours.” He leaned forward with his forearms on the tabletop and said, “How's that all sound, Mags? Getting you hot?”

“It sure seems like a lot of work,” Magnus said after a second, and Even couldn't help but burst into laughter. Of all of Isak's friends, who surely still saw him mostly as Isak's kind-of-boyfriend rather than a genuine friend, Magnus was his favorite.

“Then you're not fucking gay, Mags!” Isak said. “Or bi or pan or anything that involves fucking a guy. Okay? Stick to girls, you'll find one that likes you one of these days.”

“But you're the only gay guy in the group _and_ the only one with a significant other!” Magnus said. “So it has to mean _something_.”

“It doesn't mean anything other than that I have a winning personality,” Isak said, looking at Even and smiling sweetly. “Right, baby?”

Even kissed him. “Right, baby.”

“Ugh,” Mahdi said.

“Right?” Magnus agreed.

“Just keep trying with Vilde, man,” Jonas said over the top of his book. “Noora told Isak that she's asked about you.”

Isak's head shot up with wide eyes that narrowed once Jonas realized what he'd said and what it'd lead to.

“Bro,” Magnus started, and Isak groaned.

Even's phone buzzed, so he pulled it out as Magnus started rapid fire questions that he didn't give anyone time to answer.

 

**Sana**

Sana: _I see my advice has worked_

 

Even glanced across the cafeteria and saw her with her girl group, all chattering over their lunches. Noora saw him looking and waved, and the motion brought Sana's eyes from her phone to Even. She gave him a smile.

 

**Sana**

Even: _Yes stalker I told you it did_

 

Sana: _I know but I like being told I was right_

 

Even: _You're right Sana_

 

Sana: _Thanks!_

_So...._

_I have a piece of potentially interesting news_

 

Even: _Shoot_

 

Sana: _It involves a person that you might not want to talk about though_

 

Even: _My mom?_

 

Sana: _Ha ha._

 

Even: _No what's up?_

 

Sana: _Yousef and I are a thing_

 

Even: _Yousef??_

_Like Yousef Yousef??_

_Yousef Acar?_

 

Sana: _Yes weirdo_

_I can't tell if this freakout is good or bad_

 

Even: _Sana, Yousef has been in love with you since we were like 10 years old_

 

Sana: _He's such a fucking dork_

 

Even: _God you and Isak are the least romantic people I know_

 

Sana: _[middle finger emoji]_

 

Even: _So how's it going?_

 

Sana: _Good. He's nice and stuff._

 

Even: _Wow it's like I'm there_

 

Sana: _Ugh_

_Idk it's new_

_He's not Muslim_

 

Even: _Does that matter a lot to you?_

 

Sana: _It did. But not so much anymore_

_It feels a bit like an antiquated rule. All religions have them._

_I think he'd still support me in my faith_

_And he doesn't drink or smoke or anything and he's kind to everyone_

 

Even: _Yousef's a good guy_

 

Sana: _He is_

 

Even: _I'm happy for you_

 

Sana: _Thanks_

_Same to you I guess._

 

Even: _Wow you guess?_

_So flattered_

 

Sana: _He's asked a lot about you_

 

Even: _Who_

 

Sana: _Don't play this game Even._

_Yousef._

 

Even: _Ok_

 

Sana: _You don't even want to consider it?_

 

Even: _I fucked up_

 

Sana: _They don't feel that way_

 

Even: _It's fucking humiliating Sana_

 

Sana: _They don't care what happened Even._

 

Even: _I'll think about it._

 

He wouldn't. Or, he didn't think he would. But he did, he thought about it a lot, lying awake in Isak's bed after his shift at KB ended. He thought about what happened and wrapped Isak's arm tighter around his waist as he shrank back into his hold. He thought about the boys and his refusal to see them, and their texts and calls after it happened, and then how they stopped. Isak was the only one who kept trying, after he cut everyone out. And he shouldn't have to expect that people try even when he made it clear that he didn't want them to. But he felt like he missed his chance, and he was apprehensive about a second one being thrown at him. He had good times with them. He was afraid that those would be tarnished if one more meeting went haywire.

Isak shifted in sleep, wrapped himself tighter around Even's back, and sank his nose into Even's hair. Even softened. His monologue got kinder. He'd already gotten one thing that he'd never thought he could have. Maybe there wasn't a limit of good things one could have.

  
.

His thumb hovered above the contact name for a long time before he let himself tap down onto it, opening a chain of messages that hadn't been added to in a year. All the last ones were on the left side.

_Bro are you okay?_

_We saw facebook we're worried about you_

_Even please pick up your phone man_

_Fuck_

_We'll give you time_

_Just please text us if you need us_

_Everything's okay_

And then there were a dozen more that he just couldn't fucking read, the memories were too painful. They were all from after his attempt, they were desperate and pleading. He skipped them and went to the text box, clicking it so the keyboard would pop up and then sitting there staring at it until the screen went dark and he had to unlock it again.

“Babe?” Isak asked, and Even looked up. Isak's brows were furrowed and the textbook in his lap was being ignored in favor of attention to Even's expression. “Are you okay?” he asked. He was sitting at the head of his bed with Even on his stomach facing away from him.

“I'm fine,” Even said, forcing a smile, but knowing Isak cared was a calming factor, and the smile was a little more genuine than it would have been a few minutes prior.

“Okay,” Isak said slowly. “Do you want tea, or anything? You look tense.”

“I don't want you to have to make me tea,” Even said.

Isak smiled and stood up. “I'm gonna make you tea. That gross peppermint shit that Linn buys.”

“You don't have to, Isak,” Even tried to protest, heart growing in his chest as Isak made his way to the door, opening it a crack and revealing a patiently waiting kitten, who meowed up at Isak.

“Baby,” Isak said. “I'm gonna make you tea. I'll be back in a second.”

“I love you,” Even said.

“I love you, too,” Isak answered with a smile, scooping up the cat (who hated Even suddenly and forcefully) as he closed the door behind him.

Even took a deep breath and looked down at his phone, which had fallen back into darkness during their conversation. He unlocked it and typed while he still had the courage.

 

**Yousef Acar**

Even: _Hi man it's Even. Talked to Sana and she told me about you two, congratulations. Hope all's well._

 

He sent it before he could change his mind or reread it a thousand times. And then he set it face down on top of the crumpled comforter and was prepared to stand and help Isak in order to distract himself. But it buzzed, and dread coursed through him.

There were a thousand terrible things Yousef could say. But he only picked it up because Yousef never would.

 

**Yousef Acar**

Yousef: _Even! Bro it's been a while! Of course I still have your number though. Everything's great, Sana's great <3 <3 She's really the best. How are you though, we haven't talked in forever!_

 

Even stared at the box of text and then stared at it some more. No questions, no accusations, nothing. His hammering heart was slowing and, _what the fuck_ , he had survived.

 

**Yousef Acar**

Even: _Everything's good here. Sorry about the time._

 

Yousef: _Don't worry about it! Just glad we're talking now._

 

Even: _How are the boys?_

 

Yousef: _Right now they're very happily teasing me about being into Elias's sister_

 

Even: _Of course they are. Can't expect anything less._

 

Yousef: _How's your dad? And little Alex?_

 

Even: _They're good. Alex turned 10 this year, so he's a monster. But good._

 

Yousef: _Haha! I always liked that little guy!_

 

Even: _I know! You always hopped him up on sugar and then left him with me._

 

Yousef: _I was being the fun uncle_

 

Even: _How are your parents?_

 

Yousef: _Awesome. I mean, unaware that I stopped practicing Islam, but fine._

_Good until they find out, probably. But they'll get over it._

 

Even: _Yeah I heard about that._

_I really hope it has nothing to do with me. I know you loved your faith._

 

Yousef: _It wasn't you Even. Don't worry. It was a lot of things, and it's not just Islam. It's religion in general._

_I mean, I feel like I'm a good person on my own._

_I don't need to be told what not to do in order to not do it. And I don't need to pray and stuff. I'm still the same person. Just without the faith._

 

Even: _It's good you know that_

 

Yousef: _I'm real sorry Mikael said those things. That's not true Islam._

 

Even: _No I know. Since everything happened I've gotten close to Sana. She's explained everything._

 

Yousef: _And Mikael doesn't even believe it for a minute. I think he just didn't know what else to do. And he was drunk and you know how he gets._

 

Even: _I'm not mad_

 

Yousef: _That's good to hear_

 

Even: _And I'm sorry too. For cutting you off and stuff_

 

Yousef: _Don't apologize dude. It's all good. We can forget all that shit if you want._

 

Even: _I'd like that._

 

Yousef: _The boys want to see you. We've been talking about trying to contact you again. Guess you beat us to it._

 

Even: _I don't know if I'm ready to see everyone again_

_I'm sorry_

 

Yousef: _It's cool. Let's take it chill. Slow and easy, let's just be part of each others lives again._

 

Even: _That sounds good._

 

Yousef: _Tell me about your life. You're not with Sonja right?_

 

Even: _No omg that ended a long time ago._

 

Yousef: _I know but you always had a kind of off and on thing_

 

Even: _No when my friend who I was kind of in love with got single I broke up with her for good_

_Because I'm a dick_

_And a little while later I started sleeping with my best friend_

_So now we're together. Kind of._

 

Yousef: _Bro! Get it!_

_Do I know this girl?_

 

Even: _It's not a girl actually_

 

Yousef: _Omg_

_Holy shit_

_It's Isak isn't it???_

_Isn't it???????_

 

Even: _You remember Isak?_

 

Yousef: _I only got to meet him a few times but you were totally enamored with him_

 

Even: _This is embarrassing for me_

 

Yousef: _You're finally with him?_

 

Even: _It's a bit complicated_

_But yes I guess._

_It's not a labeled thing quite yet_

 

Yousef: _Is it gonna be?_

 

Even: _I want it to be. We both do._

 

Yousef: _Congrats bro._

_Happy for you. Really._

_I gotta go because Sana's gonna chew me out if I'm late._

_Love you man_

 

Even: _< 3_

 

Yousef: _Talk later?_

 

Even: _Definitely._

 

He was smiling like an idiot when Isak got back in with the tea, and he almost spilled the hot water everywhere when Even jumped up and hugged him tight and told him everything.

  
.

Eskild managed to rope Isak into a lot of excursions, and Even liked to watch it happen. Because it always started with Isak arguing and whining, but then, suddenly, they were out. It happened a lot. Which is how they found themselves in a gay club in central Oslo with Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus tagging along for an unknown reason.

Because Eskild could get Isak to do anything, and Isak could get Even to do anything, and Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus were up for anything at any point in time. So there they were, Isak downing beers he wasn't old enough to drink and smiling drunkenly at all of his friends, who were getting similarly plastered. And Even, being the good little psychiatric patient that he was, was following his therapist's advice and staying away from any mind-altering substances that weren't his medications. He still never tired of watching Isak get wasted.

“Dance with me?” Even asked.

“You knew I'd have to be drunk to say yes to that, right?” Isak asked, setting down his beer bottle.

“I did,” Even said with a smile and a nod. “Are you drunk enough yet?”

Isak shrugged and took his outstretched hand, let himself be led to the heavy sea of gyrating bodies. He put his arms around Even's neck and moved his hips like Even did, but made them both forget about any calculated motion when he kissed Even deep and slow and heady, because it was easier out here than it was at the bar while surrounded by people they knew.

“You're sexy,” Isak said in his ear, the music loud but his voice clear.

“You are too, love.”

“But I'd love you even if we never had sex again,” Isak said.

“Let's hope that doesn't happen,” Even said, smiling and kissing his cheek.

“Would you still love me if we never had sex again?”

“Baby, I'll love you forever.”

Isak pulled back and smiled and kissed him again.

By the time they left it was one am and everyone was moderately drunk except for Even and Eskild. And after they all got midnight hamburgers in them with french fries and milkshakes, Isak was sobered up almost completely and Magnus was able to walk on his own two feet again without the unwavering physical support of Even and Jonas.

“Can you idiots get home?” Isak asked, swinging his and Even's joined hands together between them and looking at the huddled group of Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi wearing only hoodies in the cold. “Or do you want to sleep in our living room?”

“I can get home,” Jonas said.

“I don't even fucking know where my home is,” Magnus said.

“They can stay with me,” Jonas said.

“Your mom won't chew you out?” Isak asked, stepping closer to Even and shivering a bit. Even dropped his hand to put an arm around his shoulders instead, and Isak smiled up at him.

“Nah, if Mags can be quiet she won't even know, she'll be gone for work at seven anyways. It's chill.”

“Your apartment is crowded enough without us in it,” Mahdi said.

“That's very true,” Eskild said. “Thank you for remembering that in your drunken state and deciding to stay somewhere else.”

They walked Jonas and the boys home and waited until they were safely inside before turning to walk to the collective, Isak and Even bundled up in each other and Eskild walking in front and complaining about the fact that so many children came with him that he was unable to stop being a good father for the night and get laid instead. Even didn't want to hear that and he knew that Isak didn't, either, because if Even had walked in on Eskild's sex life once when he wasn't even _living_ there, he couldn't imagine the things that Isak had seen.

It hit him all at once, really, when he and Isak were undressed and in bed, facing each other on the pillows as Even stroked through his hair. It hit him that he wanted this, all of this, and he didn't want to wait anymore. He didn't fear its ending and he didn't fear rejection. He just wanted this boy that he'd wanted forever, but now he had the voice to say so.

“Baby?” he said, and Isak opened his eyes and smiled at him sleepily, humming in response. Even traced his fingers over his cheekbone and watched his eyes fall closed again. “I want to try this for real.”

 


	9. isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi babes! this is the last isak chapter and i want to thank you all so so much for all your support. your kudos and comments and messages on tumblr mean the world to me. so thank you <3  
> this is dialogue-heavy and i don't know why, it just kind of turned out that way :) hope you enjoy :)

.

Isak woke slowly, like he always did. It was a process, a system. More than anything it was the weekend.

He blinked his eyes open, then closed them again. He tucked his face into the pillow and felt fingers in his hair. He hummed a bit and heard a chuckle, and opened his eyes to smile at Even.

“Hi, boyfriend,” he murmured, moving closer to Even as his eyes fell shut.

“Hi, boyfriend,” Even said back, leaning in to kiss him softly.

When Isak looked at him Even was smiling, turned on his side to trace his fingers over Isak's lips.

“Sleep well?” Even asked, and Isak nodded. “Good. That's good.”

“What about you?” Isak asked, letting his fingers curl around Even's jaw. “Did you sleep well?”

“I always sleep well when I'm with you,” Even said, and Isak rolled his eyes above a fond smile.

“I'm in love with a total fucking dork,” Isak said, moving to tuck his head under Even's chin. “Why are you such a dork?”

“Why are you so in love with me?”

“That's a good question.”

A year ago Isak was just falling in love. He was only a few months away from the man who had abused him, he was finding intimacy in sex with strangers, he was barely out of the closet, he was unhappy and depressed, he missed his parents and he missed his home. But he had Even. He'd been friends with Even for months and he'd been sleeping with Even for weeks and he'd been in love with Even for a day. But he knew what it was. It was love, it was so much different than how it was with Jan. It was whole and it was reciprocated and it was without judgment. But it wasn't the right time.

“Do you want eggs for breakfast?” Even asked, rubbing his palm down Isak's bare back. “Or chocolate chip waffles? Or... blueberry pancakes?”

“Good luck finding the ingredients for any of those things,” Isak said, pulling back to be able to look at Even, moving some hair from his face and smiling at him. “But eggs sound great.”

“You're easy,” Even said. “You really live by the whole 'fuck me and feed me' mindset.”

“That feels simplified.”

“Right, also 'tell me you love me and tell me I'm pretty'.”

“That's better,” Isak said, kissing him chastely with a smile on his lips.

“And I do love you,” Even said, and planted a kiss to his forehead. “And I do think you're pretty.”

“I love you, too,” Isak said. “And I think you're prettier.”

“You're such a sappy sweetheart. I love you so much.”

“Mm. You already said that. And now I'm hungry.”

“Okay,” Even said, sitting up. He pulled at Isak's hand until he was sitting up, too, and they got out of bed together. “Eggs. I'll make you the best scrambled eggs.”

The kitchen was empty and the kitten was on the counter licking the butter. Isak shooed her away and scraped the top off of the stick to throw out before Noora noticed.

“Where is everyone?” Even asked as he pulled the egg carton from the fridge.

“Noora's with Eva and Eskild's probably hungover.” Isak jumped up on the counter. “And when does Linn ever go anywhere? Come here.” He reeled Even in by the collar of his shirt and kissed him short and hard before releasing him. “I love you. Boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend,” Even said, wrapping his arms around Isak's waist and peering up at him, “I love you, too.”

  
.

It was Monday at school that they told their friends, after a Sunday spent completely enraptured with one another, a Sunday spent in sex and movies and sweetly shared kisses. It was during lunch time and they didn't get any sort of reaction that they'd been expecting.

“I thought you've been dating this whole time,” Magnus said, mouth stuffed full of bread.

“We've been broken up for months,” Isak said.

“And we were never really together before that,” Even added, his arm across the back of Isak's chair.

“I thought you were together then, too,” Mahdi said.

“Yeah, you said _I love you_ about fifty bazillion times a day,” Magnus agreed.

“It wasn't _that_ often,” Isak grumbled, sinking down in his chair.

“It was close,” Jonas said.

“Well we weren't dating,” Isak said, irritated. “And then we were broken up from our not-relationship and when we got back together we were just friends and then we weren't together and now we're together, so be happy for us. Assholes.”

There were some halfhearted cheers from around the table and Isak felt Even press a smiling kiss to his cheek because he had the audacity to be amused by this. But Even was amused by everything, it took a lot to annoy him. He was good-natured and easygoing and Isak was lucky to have him.

“I hate you guys,” Isak said.

“Why does it mean so much to you that we're happy for you?” Mahdi asked.

“Because _I'm_ happy for the first time ever and it'd be nice to have some more support.”

“We support you!” Magnus said. “I'm your biggest fan! I've always wanted you two to be together!”

“We _are_ happy for you, bro,” Mahdi said, patting his shoulder. “Really. You two are good together. Good for each other. But it was really me who got you together.”

“That's true,” Jonas said.

“Is it?” Even asked, turning to Isak.

“It's a little bit true,” Isak said, stroking fingers through his hair and resting his hand on the side of Even's neck.

“How true?” Even asked, dropping his hand from the back of Isak's chair to wrap around his waist.

“Really true,” Mahdi said.

Even smiled. “This is interesting.”

“I don't think it is,” Isak said.

“You were just gonna leave me in the dust until _Mahdi_ saved me?”

“I don't like you anymore,” Isak said.

“You're telling me I have Mahdi Disi to thank for our relationship?”

Isak looked at him in exasperation. “You're annoying.”

“Maybe,” Even said. “But at least I loved you without Mahdi's help.”

Isak smiled at his indignant pout as Even tried hard not to look amused, and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I've always loved you. Mahdi plays almost no part in our relationship.”

“Still a part,” Mahdi interjected during another soft kiss. “I gave the no-labels advice. After Isak clearly sucked your dick in the bathroom.”

“Clearly?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, we know what you look like after you've sucked dick, man,” Magnus said. “All we have to do is wait for you and Even to go to a party together. There's always one point in the night when you disappear, and when you get back—that's your 'I fucked' look.”

“And what look is that?” Isak demanded, holding onto Even's hand. Even was smiling and it irritated Isak but not as much as it made him fond and lovestruck, like most of Even's actions tended to do.

“All flushed and stuff with wrinkled clothes,” Magnus said, oblivious to the embarrassment he was causing. “With your lips all red, and stuff.”

“That's not a _look_ ,” Isak said.

“Yeah, it is, dude,” Mahdi said. When Isak looked at Jonas, he was nodding solemnly.

“It's your 'I just got laid' look,” Magnus said. “Don't worry, it's great. People are probably so jealous when they see you coming out of their bedrooms and stuff looking like that, because they know you got laid.”

“I don't think people are _jealous_ when they know we fucked in their bedrooms,” Isak said. “I don't think that's the emotion. It's probably more along the lines of, like, anger. Like when Eskild gave some guy a blowjob in my room and I came home from school and saw it. I wasn't jealous. I was just mad. And disgusted.”

“It didn't get you hot?” Jonas asked with a wink.

“Would it get _you_ hot?” Isak asked.

“Well it's different with Jonas,” Magnus said. He didn't pick up on social cues very well, didn't pick up on sarcasm, on teasing. Jonas's dry humor didn't help and Isak's deadpanning only complicated his understandings. “Because he's not gay,” Magnus continued. “But you're gay, so there's more of a chance for you to get all into seeing Eskild get dicked down.”

About halfway through his final sentence Mahdi and Jonas had both started telling him to stop talking. But he didn't. And there they were.

“That is _not_ how it works,” Isak said. “You—” he turned on Even and pointed at him, jabbing his finger into his chest. “Stop laughing.”

“Sorry, baby,” Even said, kissing his cheek with a horribly-contained smile and leaning back in the chair so he was out of Isak's periphery. “I'm a good boyfriend.”

“You're not off to a very good start,” Jonas said. “It's been twenty-four hours.”

“It's been thirty-six hours,” Even said indignantly. “At least.”

“Sorry to offend your thirty-six-hour relationship,” Jonas said, raising his eyebrows.

“I'd like to hear Isak destroy Magnus, actually, so if you two could shut the fuck up, that'd be great,” Mahdi said.

“Mean,” Jonas muttered. “Go ahead, Issy, teach Mags the way of the gay.”

“There's your next movie title, Even,” Mahdi said.

“What did I say that was so wrong?” Magnus asked.

“All gay guys don't inherently want to fuck each other,” Isak said.

“I didn't say they did! I just said there's more of a chance for _Isak_ to like it than _Jonas_ would.”

“No!” Isak said. “No, because there's a very select group of people who would enjoy seeing Eskild naked and there's absolutely zero people who would enjoy _walking in_ on Eskild naked and mid.... coitus.”

“Gross,” Mahdi said, wrinkling his face up. “That's a gross word.”

“Even's seen it,” Isak said. “He likes everyone and he didn't like that. And Noora's seen it and she didn't like it at all, either. So it's not just straight people who don't want to see Eskild having sex. It's everybody.”

When they got back to Isak's apartment after school, Noora was doing her homework at the kitchen table and Eskild was cooking dinner and Linn was on the couch with the kitten.

“Guess what Isak didn't tell any of us?” Noora said as the door fell shut behind them and Isak started taking off his shoes. He looked up and furrowed his brows.

“What didn't I tell you?” Isak asked.

“Issy's keeping secrets?” Eskild asked, back to them as he added salt to a pot on the stove. He turned around and leaned back against the counter to survey the room.

“I don't think I am,” Isak said. Even peeled off Isak's coat to hang up and Isak turned his head to smile at him.

“That,” Noora said. “That's what he's hiding.”

“Even?” Linn asked.

“That he and Even are _dating_. Are _boyfriends_.”

“You are?” Eskild gasped. “What the fuck, and I wasn't the _first_ to know? I'm the one who gave you each the advice that practically made you fall in love with each other.”

“We were already in love with each other,” Isak said, “first of all. And second of all why does everyone want to take credit for our relationship? This has nothing to do with any of you.”

“ _My_ question,” Noora said, “Is why did I have to hear it from Sana when we live together?”

“Since when do you care about mindless gossip?” Isak asked.

“I care about it if it's true and about someone I literally share an apartment with.”

“Well thank you for noticing, I guess,” Isak said. “The boys all thought we'd been dating this whole time. So... sorry? I guess? Sorry that I didn't tell you, but we were together all day yesterday, I thought you'd, like, guess. Or something.”

“No one can ever guess what the hell is going on between the two of you,” Linn said to the TV, changing the channel. Ripley kneaded at her shirt and curled up on her stomach.

“You've had your fair share of dysfunctional relationships, Linn,” Isak said, leaning back into Even's hold.

“Yeah, Linn's fucking wild,” Eskild said.

“Okay,” Isak said, taking Even's hand. “We're gonna go to my room. Bye!”

“Be out in time for dinner, lovebirds,” Eskild said.

“Yes, Dad,” Isak called, leading Even down the hall and dropping his backpack next to the door as he closed it, turning to Even and smiling, winding his arms around Even's neck and kissing him softly. “I love you,” he said. “Thank you for putting up with my friends.”

“I love you, too,” Even said. “And I'll put up with anything for you.”

  
.

“Do you think,” Even said, tossing a tennis ball against the wall and catching it as it came back, “that we should talk about, like, what this relationship means to us, and stuff? So that it doesn't get all lost and confused like it did the first time around?”

Isak was studying on the bedroom floor. He leaned back on his hands and looked up at Even and nodded with a smile. “Sure, baby.”

“We don't have to.”

“No, we can. We should.” He stood up. “Stop throwing that ball, it's annoying.”

“Well I had to do something so that you were paying attention to me instead of that boring homework,” Even said, lying on his back and opening his arm for Isak to curl up in. “You never pay attention to me.”

“I'm dating you,” Isak said.

“It's not enough.”

“You're whining.” Isak set his chin on Even's chest and looked at him as Even struggled to peer down. “First rule is you can't get in the way of my grades.”

“Your grades are more important than me?”

“They're... equally as important.”

“Baby!”

“No!” Isak laughed. “You're more important. But only slightly. I'm not letting Sana beat me in biology.”

“You're so fucking competitive,” Even said, tightening his grip around Isak's shoulders. “Everything's a competition, you don't leave time to _enjoy_ anything. Next rule should be that I get two blowjobs a day.”

“Why would that be something that _I_ enjoy?” Isak asked.

“Well if you're gonna pay more attention to beating Sana than loving me....”

“I only have to beat Sana for one more year,” Isak said.

“So then I get two blowjobs a day for another year, I guess,” Even said. “How many blowjobs is that? Two times three-sixty-five?” He looked at the ceiling as he attempted this mental math and Isak smiled.

“Seven-thirty, you giant dork,” he said, pushing to sit up. “And that's _not_ one of the rules.”

“I think it should be.”

“I veto.”

“That's not how democracy works.”

“You're exhausting.”

Even sat up, smiling, to give him a kiss. “Don't worry. You could never give me a blowjob again and I'd still love you. You could hate me and I'd still love you.”

“Is there anything I couldn't do?” Isak asked. “Anything I did that would make you hate me?”

“I could never hate you,” Even said.

Isak smiled and kissed him again. “I could never hate you either.”

“You know what I was thinking?” Even asked, falling back onto his back on the bed.

Isak crawled over him and laid down, his weight making the air rush from Even's lungs. “What were you thinking, Even?”

“That there should be a stronger way to say _I love you_ ,” Even said. “Because we've been saying it since I was eighteen, and it's been a long time, and I feel like now that we're finally doing this for real, there should be something stronger than _I love you_. Because I've always loved you, but now I _have_ you, and that's cause for more than a phrase we've been overusing for a year.”

“I don't see why,” Isak said. “I loved you then and I love you now. It's simple.”

“Nothing's simple, Isak.”

“Nothing's simple when _you're_ in charge, that's for sure,” Isak said. “Come on, you said we were making relationship rules, I need to study.”

“You're such a nerd. I'm in love with the prettiest nerd in the world.”

“I'm gonna break up with you.”

“You are not!” Even gasped in shock.

“Even!” Isak laughed, cupping his face in both hands and kissing him. “Tell me about your rules so I can pass biology.”

“Fine, smartypants,” Even said, pushing Isak off of him so that they could sit up again. “All I wanted to say was that I'm going to tell you any time I feel like I'm slipping. But if you notice, if you think something's wrong, you're allowed to ask. I want you to ask.”

“You used to get mad when I asked,” Isak said. “You said, 'Jesus, Isak, not everything I do is because I'm bipolar,' and then you didn't talk to me and then you had a manic episode and wouldn't talk to me for even longer.”

“Just because you happened to be right that one time doesn't mean it works every time,” Even said, and Isak could see his defenses rising.

“Baby, I've known you for a long time. I've seen you through rapid cycling. I know what an episode looks like, I knew it then and I know it now. Okay? I'm not gonna ask it every time you buy something that's fifty bucks, or whenever you're happy. I know what to look for.” He smiled. “Don't worry.”

“Okay,” Even said, relaxing a little bit. “Okay, but there's more. And it's mostly about my bipolar.”

“Lay it on me, babe.”

Even smiled. He looked nervous, the way he always looked when he was talking about his disorder. He was so afraid of rejection and it broke Isak's heart. He didn't know how anyone could bear to leave that boy. He never could.

“You know how I get,” Even started, “when I feel like things are out of my control? You know how... weird and defensive I get? It happened with Sonja and my dad, and I just really don't want it to happen with us. So I'm gonna try, really hard, to follow the rules that my therapist and I make. I promise. But if I ever don't, if I'm drinking too much or smoking too much.... Just, don't be my babysitter, okay? I don't want to be someone you have to look after. I don't want this to work that way.”

“I understand,” Isak said. “It's okay, Even. We've been doing this for a long time.”

“But I want you to know _everything_ , now,” Even said. “I want you to _have_ everything.”

“But it's _okay_ , baby,” Isak said, cupping his face in his hands. “We don't have to have it all figured out right now. We're allowed to mess up. We're allowed to figure it out. We don't know how this is gonna go, how everything's gonna turn out.” He nudged their noses together and said to the inch of space between their lips, “You remember what we used to say? Minute by minute?”

“I just don't want to lose you,” Even said, hands on Isak's hips, breath shaking.

“You won't,” Isak said. “Not ever.”

And he kissed him, and hoped Even believed it.

  
.

Even was cooking for his brother tonight, watching the kid until their father got home, so Isak was sat down at the collective's kitchen table without a hand on his thigh and with a kitten rubbing against his leg so he'd give her some of his chicken. Which he did, as he stabbed at peas that rolled away from the tines of his fork.

His phone kept buzzing next to his plate, but Eskild had enacted a strict “no phones at the table” policy that was completely for Isak's sake, so that he'd always finish his dinner before getting distracted from the task by his irritating friends. A lot of the rules in the apartment were for Isak's sake. He took another bite of chicken and glanced at Noora because she was watching him with a pretty red smile on her lips. She always liked it when he ate. He owed Noora more than he owed most people.

“Who the fuck is texting you, Isak, holy shit,” Linn said, her fork crashing onto her plate and making everyone jump from their silent enjoyment of a calm dinner.

“It's probably the group chat,” Isak said, picking up his phone to silence it and glancing at the screen as he did so. “Yeah. About Vilde.”

“Why is your group chat texting about Vilde?” Eskild asked, bringing some potatoes to his mouth.

“Because Mags thinks he's in love with her,” Isak said. “And Noora talks to _me_ about it, and Jonas told Mags that I know things, now, and he won't leave me alone.”

“I think they'd be good for each other,” Noora said with a shrug.

“Look, finding a girlfriend is Magnus's entire life,” Isak said. “You _thinking_ they'd be good for each other isn't enough.”

“She's talked to me, smartass,” Noora said, spearing a potato and looking at him as she rolled her eyes.

“About Mags?”

“Yes, you idiot,” she said. “It's all she's been talking about lately. 'Is Magnus gonna be at the party?' 'Oh, Jonas is coming, do you think he'll bring the rest of the boys?' 'Didn't Magnus look terrific in his red sweater today?' It's annoying for us, too, so let's just make them date.”

“Vilde won't absolutely lose it when she hears that you've been gossiping?” Isak asked.

“She's the biggest gossip in school,” Noora said. “And no, she won't, because Magnus is sweet and into her and Vilde deserves someone nice for once. So just tell him to make a fucking move. Tell him you have it on good authority that she'll say yes if he asks her out.” She pointed her fork at him. “As long as he's not only looking for sex. I hate it when people claim they're interested in a relationship when they really only want sex.”

“I'm sure sex is part of it,” Isak said, “but he really likes Vilde. As a person. To date. So I'll tell him that she likes him to, and I'm gonna tell him that you told me, so be prepared for that. I guarantee you he'll message you on Facebook within the hour.”

“I don't want to talk to Magnus,” Noora protested as Isak reached for his phone again. He just shrugged and raised his eyebrows as he unlocked it.

 

**Dick Squad**

Magnus: _Vilde smiled at me in the cafeteria today_

_Did anyone see that?_

_Gosh she's so pretty_

 

Mahdi: _Who says gosh anymore?_

 

Jonas: _She's cute man. Go for it._

 

Mahdi: _And maybe she likes you. You won't know til you ask._

 

Magnus: _Isak you said Noora talks about it._

_Isak?_

_You have to tell me_

 

Jonas: _Chill he's probably fucking Even_

 

Magnus: _This is more important than him fucking Even!!!!!!_

 

Mahdi: _That many exclamation points seems unnecessary._

 

Jonas: _You don't need to know right now if she's into you_

 

Magnus: _Yes I do!_

 

Jonas: _Why? What are you gonna do right now if she likes you?_

 

Magnus: _Plan out how to talk to her_

_With the help of you assholes_

 

Mahdi: _Rude._

 

Magnus: _Isak where the fuck are you_

 

Isak: _Yo chill the fuck out_

_Noora said Vilde likes you_

_But take it chill man don't scare her off_

 

Magnus: _Dude_

_You're my best friend_

_I love you_

 

Isak: _Good luck bro_

 

Jonas: _Just be yourself_

 

Magnus: _That's shitty advice_

 

Jonas: _I get laid the most out of all of us_

 

Isak: _Please_

 

Mahdi: _PLEASE_

 

Jonas: _Jackasses_

 

Magnus: _Is Noora on Facebook?_

_Never mind I found her._

_Thanks man_

_Owe you one_

 

Isak smiled as Noora's phone screen lit up. She rolled her eyes at the notification and turned it over on the tabletop, making a face at Isak as he smirked down at his plate, eating more chicken.

 

**JoBro**

JoBro: _Everything good man?_

 

Isak: _Yeah why?_

 

JoBro: _Idk you seem happy and I feel like we hardly talk anymore_

 

Isak: _Well I'm pretty busy with my brand new boyfriend_

_And you're pretty busy trying to make Eva jealous_

_So there's not a lot of extra time_

 

JoBro: _Fuck you_

 

Isak: _Sure thing_

 

JoBro: _You think it'll work? Think she'll get jealous?_

 

Isak: _I can tell you that you're sure better than Penetrator Chris_

 

JoBro: _So is every non-murderous human being_

 

Isak: _Guess you got competition then_

 

JoBro: _Ha ha._

_I'm happy for you and Even though_

 

Isak: _Thanks_

 

JoBro: _You seem a lot happier_

 

Isak: _I think I am a lot happier._

_I was really unhappy for a long time_

_And I'm not anymore_

 

JoBro: _That makes me happy too_

 

Isak: _Sap_

 

JoBro: _That's me._

_But really_

_You seem a lot healthier too. And more accepting of yourself and stuff._

 

Isak: _It feels good_

 

JoBro: _You've come a long way_

_And this is some sappy shit_

_But you're my best friend and seeing you happy is the best thing ever_

_And I love you_

 

Isak: _Love you too <3_

 

JoBro: _< 3_

 

Isak: _I still have a long way to go._

_I'm not completely healed yet._

_And maybe I never will be._

_But I'm getting there and getting better._

 

JoBro: _You can do it_

_I know you can._

 

Isak: _Me too_

_Because I never have to do it alone again_

_And I know that now_

 

JoBro: _< 3_

 

Isak: _< 3_

  
.

The Instagram post got an insane amount of likes. And Isak got an insane amount of new followers, too. The comments ranged from emojis from friends to gushing compliments from strangers. White girls told him they loved gays and Jonas called him cute. Sana said _About Time_ and Vilde typed an incomprehensible string of flower emojis.

And Isak just looked at the photo again and again, because he couldn't stop. Because it was he and Even, together, labeled. It was Even kissing his cheek and it was Isak smiling and it was them happy and in love.

He looked over at Even, asleep beside him, a movie still playing on the television at the foot of the bed. Ripley seemed to like him well enough when he wasn't awake, because she was curled up into a fluffy gray ball on his hip, sleeping soundly, her ear twitching as she dreamed.

Isak picked his phone up from the nightstand again, but instead of navigating to Instagram or his camera roll, he opened his texts and scrolled down to the bottom. To his mom and dad, trailed only by a kid he'd tutored in math last year and and three wrong numbers from the past two years.

He read the one-sided conversation, all in blue, and tapped on the text box. As his thumbs hovered over the keyboard, he looked at Even, asleep facing him, eyes closed and breath coming in soft huffs from his open mouth. Isak ran one hand through his hair, brushing strands off his forehead and behind his ears, dragging his fingertips over his cheekbone and down his jaw. And he smiled.

 

**Mamma, Pappa**

Isak: _I have a boyfriend now. His name is Even, he's kind to me and he loves me. And I love him, too._

_I don't know why you left me and I doubt that you read these._

_But I know it wasn't love. It never could've been._

_Goodbye._

_Thank you for trying._

 

He missed his family. Maybe he always would, he didn't know. But he had a new one now. A family that loved him and a family that cared for him and a family that took him in when no one else would. He knew what love was now, when he never had before.

“Am I missing the movie?” Even mumbled beside him, and Isak looked down at him, setting his phone to the side. As Even shifted, Ripley complained and jumped off of him, making a home on Isak's pillow instead.

“Hi, baby,” Isak said, sliding down to lay next to him and tugging the covers more completely over both of them. “You're not missing anything, don't worry.”

“Are you lying?” Even asked, eyes still closed and face pressed into the pillow.

Isak hummed, stroking his fingers through Even's hair. “Maybe a little bit.” He reached over Even to turn off the lamp, and moved so close their foreheads would touch with just a slight forward nudge. “You've already seen it, though.”

“It's one of my favorites,” Even murmured, sleep coming over him again.

“I've never heard you talk about it before twenty minutes ago,” Isak said with a smile. He kissed Even's nose and watched the way in scrunched up in protest.

“You wouldn't've understood why I like it before now,” Even said. “A lot of movies are my favorites. You don't know about all of them.”

“Okay,” Isak said, letting his thumb stroke over his cheek. “That's okay. We can finish it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Even asked.

Isak smiled more, kissed his cheek, said, “Tomorrow, baby. But now, let's sleep. Let's just sleep.”

He settled further into his pillow, further into the blanket. He rested his hand securely in Even's hair and curled his fingers into the strands, letting their foreheads fall together. He breathed in the love of his life and he fell asleep with _Pretty Woman_ still on in the background.

This was what he needed.

This was all he needed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to talk to me @supermansplaining on tumblr <3


	10. even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you thank you thank you. this was an especially difficult story for me to write, thanks for sticking with it :)  
> i guess i don't have much to say except that i'll be finishing wddt in the next few days, too, and then i have this crazy monster of a fic in the works before i have to start college again. so your support really means the world and really keeps me motivated :-)  
> my tumblr is @supermansplaining <3

.

Even fucking _loved_ him. Loved him so much, loved him with every fiber. Which was why he was sitting on the floor of his bedroom watching him study instead of kissing him senseless.

He knew that Isak could feel his pain. Because Isak was smirking down at the textbook instead of staring at it like he wanted to fight it.

“You're being really good over there,” Isak said, glancing up for a moment.

“I can be good for you in other ways, baby,” Even said with a wink.

“No sex til I'm done,” Isak said.

“Babe—”

“No sex til I'm done, Even.”

Even collapsed onto the floor like someone dying in a twentieth-century soap opera. “You're trying to kill me,” he whined into the hardwood.

“You wouldn't be very much use for me dead,” Isak said. “And you'd make me sad, very sad.”

“Well which one is it, Isak?” Even asked, sitting up. “Would I be useless or would you be sad?”

“I don't see why those are... mutually exclusive,” Isak said, and smiled at Even's wounded noise. “But I would definitely be _way_ more sad than inconvenienced. I promise.”

“Because you love me?”

“Because I love you more than anything, baby, yeah.” He tilted his head at Even and smiled at him. “Why are you sitting on the floor, Even? Come sit with me.”

“You get mad at me when I sit with you.”

“I get mad at you when you keep touching me while I'm trying to study.”

“One of the love languages is touch,” Even said, standing up. “I'm just trying to show you that I love you in a language other than words.”

“Is that a true fact that you just told me?” Isak asked, taking Even's hand and drawing him to the bed.

“I don't know, I feel like I heard it somewhere.” He sat down next to Isak and kissed him. “And when I hear something I believe it. You know how trusting I am.”

“Yeah, I do,” Isak said. “To a fault. Remember the time that guy asked us for money so he could buy diapers? And you _gave_ it to him, not just a few dollars but _twenty_. He for sure bought cocaine with that.”

“He did not _for sure_ do anything with it!” Even scoffed, an arm around Isak's waist. “Maybe I am too trusting and maybe he did buy cocaine but one of those guys I give money to really _does_ need diapers for his kid. And what if I didn't help him out?”

Isak smiled at him, kissed his cheek. “You're so sweet,” he said. “I like that about you.”

“You're so cute when you give me compliments,” Even said. “Because you look like you want to be doing literally anything else in the world.”

“I do not!” Isak protested.

“Yes, you do, but I love it.”

Isak hated being vulnerable, so Even appreciated that he let himself be open when they were together. He appreciated everything Isak did for him.

“Can you do something besides stare at me?” Isak asked, flipping the page of his notebook to a fresh one and folding it over. “It's distracting. And a little bit creepy.”

“It's not creepy when it's your boyfriend,” Even said.

“It's _less_ creepy,” Isak said. “But it's still creepy.”

“You're creepy.”

“Are you twelve? Can you just do something so I can study? You're making it take longer.”

“Well we don't want that,” Even said. “Are you using your laptop?”

“Nope,” Isak said, passing it over. “Go ahead and watch some movies.”

“I'll watch movies you'd hate, just so that you don't have to watch them with me,” Even said. “Aren't I a good boyfriend?”

Isak smiled at him. “You spoil me.”

Even was just... so excited to have this. So excited. Because it's what he always wanted, and he used to romanticize love, used to think it should be easy and self-serving, perfect and without faults. It was the idea more than the reality, the theory more than the execution. He knew he loved Isak from the start but it wasn't perfect then like it wasn't perfect now. But he'd come to terms with it, this time around. He knew that's what it was, imperfect with faults, difficult and selfless. To love someone not because they're perfect, but because they're human.

  
.

His dad was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed, glasses slipping down his nose and paperwork spread in front of him. He was trying to spend more time at home, trying to give Even his own life without having to watch Alex all the time, but his workload wasn't going down just because he was being a more attentive father. It followed him home every day and he worked on it endlessly after they put Alex to bed.

“Hey,” Even said, standing in the doorway. His dad looked up and smiled.

“Hi,” he said. “You okay?”

“Are you busy?” Even asked.

“It's not so bad.” He collected the papers into a neat pile and set them on his bedside table, stretching his legs out in front of him. “What's up?”

Even walked in and sat next to him. “Not much.”

His dad leaned back into his pillows and watched Even do the same. “Not much?” he asked.

Even pursed his lips, stalling, and said, “Isak and I, um, are dating. Like, for real.” He looked at his fingers, twisting together, a nervous trait he'd picked up from Isak sometime in the time they'd known each other. “I just... wanted you to know.”

When he looked up his dad was smiling. “That's great,” he said. “I always liked that boy.”

“You should act like it more,” Even said, letting out a relieved laugh. “He's kind of scared of you.”

“I'll consider it,” he said. “I guess now I should ask the dad questions.”

“You really don't have to.”

“Are you having sex?”

“Oh my God.”

“Being safe?”

“For the love of God,” Even said, “please stop.”

“Condoms and... I don't know, lube? All that? You have them?”

“I'm not discussing this with you!” Even said, preparing to stand up from the bed.

His dad took hold of his forearm as he laughed. “No, don't go, I'm fucking with you. I'm glad you're with him. It makes me happy. And he makes you happy. So there's a lot of happiness going around.”

Even watched him, sinking into the pillows again. “You're such a weird dad.”

“I'm a hip dad.”

“Why are you saying that so often lately?”

“I want to feel young again.”

“Maybe you shouldn't've had a kid when you were twenty, then.”

“If you think you were part of any plan we had, you're sadly mistaken.”

Even laughed. “I'm a birth control failure?” he asked.

“Most kids are,” his dad said. “Don't feel bad. Alex was, too.”

“Damn, so you didn't want _either_ of your kids?” Even asked, smiling and shaking his head, letting his neck fall back and relaxing his muscles. He used to climb into this bed when he was a child; when he was young he'd be sandwiched between his mother and father, as he got older it was just him and his dad. His mother was gone for a long time before she left. “Tough break, man.”

“I didn't say I didn't _want_ you,” his dad said with a huff. “Of course I wanted you, after I found out about you. Alex a little less but I did still _kind_ of want him. And now I definitely want him. You just weren't necessarily part of the plan. You were supposed to come ten years after you did, and Alex wasn't supposed to exist at all.”

“I'm glad it turned out this way, then,” Even said, looking up at the ceiling with a content smile on his face.

“Me, too,” his father said, pressing a kiss to his temple and resting back with him. “And I'm glad you're the kid I got. A lot of people aren't so lucky.”

Even scoffed a bit. “I wouldn't say lucky.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a fucking bipolar, pansexual dude who had to repeat his last year of high school.”

“So?” his dad asked. “I'm still glad you're you. Glad you're not anyone else. Glad you're still with me today.”

And, God, his dad had stood by him through so much. Through everything. When a lot of people would lose hope, would label their kid a screw-up and go about controlling behavior and yelling and punishing, Erik Næsheim treated his son the same as he always had. He was worried and protective, but he didn't impose it on his son.

Even after he tried to take his life, even after he broke his father's heart with the attempt.

Even's life seemed unfair, it seemed too harsh and too mature, it seemed like there was too much pressure and too heavy a burden. But, God, he had a father who loved him just the same as the day he was born. A brother who frustrated the hell out of him but who never judged him for a second. And that was what he needed. That was what mattered. Because he couldn't do this by himself, and he never had to.

“I'm glad I'm still here, too,” Even said quietly. “Really glad.”

“And I hope you'll be around for a long time,” his dad said. “See that the world's a pretty wonderful place.”

“It is,” Even said. “I already see it.”

“Dad?” Alex said from the door, and they both looked up at him. He was rubbing one eye sleepily and making his way into the room. “What are you guys doing?” he asked, clambering onto the bed and wedging his way between them, making himself comfortable.

Their father put his arm across Alex's waist and pulled him close. “We're talking about your brother's new boyfriend.”

Alex looked up with a gaping mouth, and Even prepared himself for an onslaught of questions. “You broke up with Isak?” he asked in disbelief. “Why? I like Isak so much.”

“No, I didn't break up with Isak,” he said, laughing, ruffling his hair with his palm. “I started dating Isak. Remember when I told you we weren't together yet? Even though we liked each other a lot?”

“Mmhm,” Alex said with a nod. This was too late for him; he was already falling back asleep.

“Well we're together now. He's my boyfriend. Finally.”

“Finally,” Alex repeated tiredly.

They fell asleep in a long-bodied pile, the way they had when Alex was a baby and his mother was gone most nights, the little sleeping infant between them because his father was so enamored that he couldn't bear to part with him for even a minute. He didn't see the nursery more than twice a week until he was a year old. It'd been a long time since Even had found himself here, though. He'd stopped seeking comfort from his family a long time ago. He was happy to indulge again now.

  
.

“There's this third-year idiot who tried to ferment purple Gatorade in his locker at school,” Jonas said, lifting his beer can to his lips. “Like, to make wine, or something? He added yeast, I think, and thought that'd do the trick.”

“That's disgusting,” Mahdi said, face scrunched up as if the concoction was right in front of him. “Did he drink it? If you tell me he drank it I might throw up.”

“Yeah, man, he drank it. Took like two sips and then I guess decided it wasn't wine and that his little experiment was for nothing,” Jonas said.

“What kind of a fucking idiot do you need to be to believe that'd work?” Isak asked. Even had his arm across the back of his chair, all of them surrounding the collective's kitchen table, and Isak had a hand on Even's thigh.

“He's probably always stoned out of his fucking mind,” Magnus said. “You'd have to be.”

“Yeah, I've bought pot from him a couple times,” Jonas said. “But he's also just... stupid. Like, he's just an idiot.”

“Good thing you also have smart friends like us,” Magnus said, tapping Jonas's stationary beer can with his own.

“Yeah you guys are geniuses,” Jonas said.

“You say that like you don't believe it's true,” Magnus said.

“Mags, you asked Isak if you could be gay just because you can't get anywhere with Vilde,” Mahdi said. “That's dumb.”

“It's not dumb!” Magnus protested.

“It's desperate,” Isak said.

“I know all about that,” Even said. “But it worked, didn't it? Vilde caved?”

“Hell yeah!” Magnus said. “Hell yeah it worked! We're gonna hang out tonight at the party!”

“You're not nervous?” Jonas asked. “You're being surprisingly chill.”

“Okay, one,” Magnus said, holding up his index finger, “I'm always chill. And fuck, of course I'm nervous, but that's a statement to just how chill I actually am.”

“I think it hasn't quite hit him, yet,” Mahdi said.

“Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here,” Magnus demanded petulantly.

“Fine,” Mahdi said, looking directly at him. “I don't think it's quite hit you yet. I think you'll be plenty nervous when the time comes to actually talk to Vilde face to face and ask her to go on a date with you.”

“Oh, shit, yeah,” Magnus said. “I have to do that, don't I?”

“What, talk to the girl you want to date?” Jonas asked. “Yeah, you do.”

Even smiled, letting his hand along the back of Isak's chair wind through Isak's hair, brushing it between his fingers. Isak leaned into the touch, scooting his chair closer, and turned to smile at him.

“Don't worry about it, dude,” Mahdi said. “Just be chill.”

“Chill?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah, like, relax when you're around her, don't act like you're totally eager to get with her.”

“But I am totally eager.”

“Then I think you should show her,” Even said. “Show her how desperate you are. Vilde's the kind of girl who would appreciate it.”

Magnus looked around the table, weighing his options, then downed the rest of his beer and stood up. “Even's way sounds easier. Let's go.”

“Oh, we're going?” Isak asked, watching the boys stand. “Just like that? Mags says the word and we have to leave?”

“We have to go before I lose my cool,” Magnus said.

“What cool?” Mahdi asked.

“Before the buzz wears off,” Jonas said.

Even stood up and stretched his back, let Isak fit himself to his side as they followed the other boys out of the apartment.

“You good, baby?” Isak asked, arm around Even's waist.

“Hm?” Even asked, looking down at him, tightening the hold around his shoulders.

“Are you okay?” Isak asked. “You're quiet. We don't have to go to the party, if you don't want. It's not too late to yell at the news with your dad.”

Even laughed. “No, the party's fine. As much fun as hanging out with my dad would be.”

“Then what's up?”

“Nothing,” Even said. “I'm just happy.”

“Really?” Isak asked, smiling up at him. “Are you quiet when you're happy?”

“Sometimes,” Even said. “When I'm soaking in the happiness.”

“Is that what you're doing?” Isak asked. “Soaking in the happiness?”

“That's what I'm doing,” Even said. “Definitely.”

“Why are you happy?” Isak said.

“Why? Do you not want me to be?”

“No!” Isak laughed. “Of course I want you to be happy. It's all I ever want.”

“Good,” Even said. “Because I am. And it's because of you. And because of everything.”

“Everything?”

“You know. Stuff with my family is going well. And I've been talking with Yousef again,” Even said. “Sana's boyfriend? He was my friend back at Bakka, you remember, when everything happened?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I remember. I liked him the best. Very chill.”

“Yeah, no one else was ever very chill,” Even said.

“Especially not you.”

“ _Especially_ not me,” Even agreed. “I've never been chill a day in my life.”

“I'm glad you've been talking to him,” Isak said. “What do you talk about?”

“You,” Even said, planting a kiss on his temple. “And Sana. Because we're whipped.”

“I'm whipped, too, baby, it's okay.”

Even smiled. “He's really happy for us. He always liked you.”

“That's sweet,” Isak said, smiling up at him. He kissed Even's cheek. “Have you talked to any of the other boys?”

“Not yet,” Even said, familiar hesitance growing in his head. That self-doubt, the kind he was trying to shake. “I don't know. I don't know if I should, or if I can.”

“Hey,” Isak said, and Even looked down at him. “It's okay. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You contacted Yousef—that's huge, Even, and I'm so proud of you for it. If you don't think you're ready to talk to the others, then you don't have to. Maybe someday you will. And I'll support you then, like I support you now.”

Even smiled, and, God, this was why. This was why he waited, why they waited, why they didn't move on from each other. Because despite everything, despite how long they were tentative and afraid, they were good for each other. Now more than ever. “I'm so lucky to have you.”

“You're not lucky,” Isak said. “I'm lucky. Or no one's lucky, because we're perfect for each other. Or we're both lucky, maybe, I don't know. I'm just... glad I have you. Glad we have each other.”

“I'm glad I have you, too,” Even said, and kissed his forehead.

The party at Eva's house was loud and crowded, but Even managed to find Sana and Isak was more than happy to sit with them while they tried to hold a conversation over the loud music and screaming voices. Isak was on Even's lap because there was a group of girls taking up the rest of the couch and leaving only enough room for one body in the remaining space.

“How's Yousef?” Even asked, chin hooked over Isak's shoulder, arms around his waist.

“He's a dork,” Sana said, smiling. “But he's... good. Treats me like I'm his entire world. I'm sure you know the feeling.”

Isak smiled, turned his head to kiss Even's cheek, and leaned back in his embrace.

“I'm glad you've been talking,” Sana said. “He's _so_ excited, he gets this lovesick little look on his face whenever you text him. Like, he looks at his phone with more passion than he looks at me, sometimes.”

“Please,” Even said with a laugh. “Yousef's been in love with you for practically your whole life. It'd be hard to see anyone look at anything the way he looks at you.”

“We should go out somewhere,” Sana said. “The four of us. I know he'd love to see you again, face to face, and maybe Isak and I could be a... buffer, kind of. Make sure nothing's too weird.”

“Aw, a double date,” Isak said, smiling. “Sanasol, you're so soft now that you have a boyfriend. My brand new biology buddy from the beginning of the semester would never have wanted to spend time with me outside of school.”

“And I still don't,” she said, but she had that smile and those dimples and Even was so grateful for her. Because she stood by him when he wouldn't let anyone else, she stood by him when his life went to shit again and again. And she gave him the courage to open himself up, to Isak, to his friends. Her support meant everything because she had every reason to cut him off, too.

“I think we should do that,” Even said. “I think that'd be fun.”

“Great,” Sana said. “I think so, too.”

“Want to, babe?” Even asked, kissing Isak's neck.

Isak's arms overlapped Even's around his waist. “Yeah. I want to.”

They used to come to parties and get drunk and blow each other in the bathrooms. They didn't hold hands or kiss in public, they didn't go home together.

And now they got to have that. Everything Even used to want, everything he used to believe he couldn't have because his brain couldn't be trusted and his mind couldn't be loved. He got to have the boy he loved, he got to have the relationship he'd dreamed of, and it wasn't as good and perfect as he always thought it'd be, because nothing was perfect. He'd been irrational and afraid, he'd based all of his expectations on stories that held no merit in reality. Love is not flawless to be epic, it doesn't have to end in tragedy and it doesn't have to be total passion and faultlessness while it lasted.

It could stay for a long time, it could be filled with imperfections and stay perfect. He was finding that, now, and that all that mattered was that they were happy, they were there for each other, and they were in love. Nothing else was important. Nothing else was relevant.

He kissed Isak's cheek and settled into the crook of his neck, breathed him in and reveled in him, and hoped he could do it for a long time.

  
.

“Are you sure you want cereal?” Even asked, tousling Alex's hair. “I can make eggs. Or pancakes. Saturday is the day for yummy breakfast.”

“No, I just want cereal,” Alex said, opening the box of Frosted Flakes carefully and taking out the bag from within. “Grandma will feed me good food when I get there.”

“That's true,” Even said, pulling the milk from the refrigerator and setting it on the table for him. “Dad had to go in to work, but I'll take you.”

“Can Isak come?” Alex said.

“Isak's still asleep,” Even said. “And we like it when Isak sleeps, because sometimes he doesn't do it very much.”

“Why not?” Alex asked. He poured the Frosted Flakes in with the concentration that one would use to defuse a bomb, and then uncapped the milk carton.

“Because he's had some bad things happen to him,” Even said, filling a mug with the coffee his dad brewed before leaving for work. “And sometimes that can mess things up a little bit. In your head. But it's okay, because he's getting better.”

“Good,” Alex said. “I'm glad he's getting better.” He grasped the milk carton in both hands and knelt on a chair to gain leverage as he poured. “You're getting better, too.”

“That's right,” Even said. “I am.” He stirred milk into his coffee once Alex was done pouring it into his cereal, and reached for the sugar.

“Hi,” came a groggy voice from the hallway, and Even turned to see Isak in one of his t-shirts and a pair of boxers, leaning against the doorway of Even's bedroom. He rubbed one eye and smiled at Even, came closer to smooth Alex's hair back and then kissed Even's cheek in greeting, reaching above him for a mug.

They were in synch in the mornings, they had been for a long time. It was easy and natural, it was something they were used to. Mornings were Even's favorite time to be with Isak.

“You're up early,” Even said, rubbing the small of Isak's back as Isak filled his mug and doctored his coffee.

“Bed was empty,” Isak said, then turned to him to smile. He leaned back against the counter, cradling his coffee cup in both hands. “How's your morning, Alex?”

“Good,” Alex said. “I'm gonna see my grandma today.”

“Wow, that'll be fun,” Isak said.

“Will you come with me and Even to drop me off?” Alex asked.

“Sure, buddy,” Isak said. “I'd love to.” He moved to rest back against Even's body and Even put his arms around his waist, chin on his shoulder.

Even kissed his cheek and held him tight as he sipped at his coffee. “You look cute.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked. “You like this look?”

“Yeah, you should wear only my t-shirt more often,” Even said. “It looks good on you.”

“As much as I'd love that,” Isak said, “I think it'd get a little cold. A little uncomfortable.” He turned around in Even's arms and set his mug on the counter.

“But it'd show everyone that you're mine,” Even said.

“Everyone already knows that I'm yours,” Isak said, tracing his palms up to rest on his chest.

“You think?”

“You grab my ass pretty regularly,” Isak said.

“There's a child behind you,” Even warned.

“I forgot about that,” Isak said. He gave him a quick kiss and pulled away. “I'm gonna go take a shower.”

“Want help with that?”

“There's a child behind you,” Isak said over his shoulder, smiling as he made his way to the bathroom. “I'll be right back.”

“Why would Isak need help in the shower?” Alex asked, munching on his Frosted Flakes and watching Even as Isak closed the bathroom door.

“He doesn't,” Even said. “I was kidding. Finish up and get dressed, we'll get going soon.”

“What are you gonna do all day?” Alex asked.

“I'm going to work. And Isak's gotta study.”

“He's gotta study all day?” Alex asked. “That's a lot. So much.”

“It's important to him,” Even said. “He's gonna be super successful, so school matters a lot.”

Isak had a tendency to get a little obsessive over studying, over his future, and it used to annoy Even, used to be something he couldn't understand, but it was just Isak's way of having control when he'd been without it for so long. Even learned to accommodate it in the same way he'd learned to accommodate the depressive episodes and the anxiety, the same way Isak had learned to accommodate Even's bipolar and fear of rejection.

Alex went to get dressed and Even did the dishes, put the milk away, closed the cereal box. When Isak came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, Even followed him into his bedroom and watched him get dressed because he was allowed to do that now despite how creepy it might have been before they were dating. Despite how creepy it might be now. His boyfriend was a good sport, and his boyfriend was a creep, too, so it was fine.

They walked Alex to the tram and boarded with him, letting him sit while they stood and held the railings. Even liked seeing Isak in his clothes and as they dropped Alex off at his grandmother's house the whole thing felt so domestic. Joyously so, and it felt a little bit like he could picture this exact occasion years in the future, a family with Isak, a life with him.

And it could happen. And it'd be their kind of perfect.

  
.

“You always know exactly what to do,” Isak said, stroking his fingers through Even's hair as Even laid on his chest. “You make me feel good.”

“That's all I want to do,” Even said against his naked chest, pressing a kiss to his sternum and winding an arm around his waist. “You're so fucking hot.”

Isak laughed. “That's nice of you.”

“It's true. Always true. Even when you're just waking up and you're all mad at me for existing.”

“I'm mad at you for waking me up, not for being alive.” He threaded his fingers through locks of Even's hair and tugged. “But you make it up to me as soon as I'm awake. You always make it up to me.”

“I gotta do something to keep you around.”

“I'll always be around,” Isak said.

Even moved his head to the pillow so he could look at Isak, brought his hand to the small of his back to pull him in close. “Do you have to go home?” he asked.

Isak smiled and shook his head. “No. I don't have to go home.”

“Eskild won't miss you?”

“Eskild always misses me. But he'll be fine.”

“The kitten has a friend?”

“Linn's got her.”

“Great,” Even said. “Then you're all mine all night.”

“Baby, I'm all yours all the time.” He sat up. “But I'm hungry. So I'm gonna go get something from the kitchen, I'll be right back.”

“I don't know when my dad's getting home, so I'd cover up the important bits if I were you.”

“Afraid your dad will get a load of my important bits and fall in love? Afraid I'll leave you for your dad?”

“Don't be gross.”

Isak pulled on his boxers and went searching for a shirt. “He's young. Cute.”

“Oh my God, we can never have sex again,” Even said.

Isak laughed, holding a t-shirt in his hands. “That's unfortunate,” he said, slipping it over his head. He fell back on the bed to hover over Even and kiss him softly. Even hummed, brought his hands to Isak's hips to hold him in place, and kissed him deeper.

“Mm-mm,” Isak said, pulling away. “No more sex til I get something to eat, I'm starving. Need to keep my energy up.”

“Don't leave me, baby,” Even said.

“I'll always come back,” Isak said, kissing him again and smiling over his shoulder as he walked out.

And he came back. He always would.

 

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me here or on [tumblr](https://supermansplaining.tumblr.com) i really love hearing from you even if it's not about the fics <3


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